Variations On A Theme
by Riverhawk
Summary: Episode add-ons for the End of Season 7...with an ending a little more appreciative of the journey Chakotay and Janeway made.
1. Chapter 1

_**DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount.**_

**_AUTHOR: Riverhawk_**

**_NOTES: Episode Add on For Workforce I & II _**

_**Part 1 – BOXING**_

_**Quarra, Stardate **__**54584.3**_

Chakotay vaguely remembered the supervisor saying something after he had dropped him off at his terminal, but his mind had been more focused on searching the faces of the other workers, desperately looking for someone familiar.

And there she was, flitting from station to station. As ever, Kathryn worked the crowd with ease. A hello here, a gentle nod and a smile there. Except when she got to that last terminal. She smiled a little more broadly, her eyes bashfully looking at the man, and then away from him. She seemed shy, even coy.

Well, I'll be, Chakotay thought to himself. That was a sight you didn't get to see often. But his amusement was short lived when he suddenly realised the reason she seemed so uncharacteristically timid.

She was flirting.

Chakotay forced himself to look away, blindly punching buttons on the terminal in front of him. He didn't know if he was doing it right. He really didn't care. He looked back up at them, watched Kathryn place a little more than friendly hand on the other man's chest before she weaved her way back through the crowd again to her own terminal.

"Employee 9363, are you experiencing a malfunction?"

Chakotay span round, drawn sharply from his reverie.

"What?"

Seven of Nine, Annika Hansen, efficiency supervisor for this facility looked blankly at Chakotay, her hands working the padd, recording data.

"You have failed to observe your station for the last five point two minutes. "

"I'm fine," Chakotay replied, surprised at how comfortable Seven of all people looked.

"Then please attend to your station," Seven noted, before she strode off into the crowd.

Chakotay had no intention of monitoring his station. Darting between other workers, he approached Kathryn, reached out to touch her arm.

"Kathryn its Chakotay!"

Kathryn Janeway, as once was, turned to face the man who had called her. She had expected Jaffen to follow her again. The man certainly had a hard time taking no for an answer. His persistence was one of the things that had caught her attention. Instead she came face to face with a man she would have sworn that she had never met before, but whose dark sincere eyes seemed too familiar to her.

"Do we know each other?" she asked.

Chakotay faltered, suddenly wondering whether it would be safe to go ahead and blurt out the truth to her. Something told him that the local authorities wouldn't take vary kindly, and if Chakotay knew his friend at all well, Kathryn wouldn't take to it very well at all either. She hated to be backed into a corner.

Swallowing hard, Chakotay let go of her arm and took a conscious step backwards.

"I'm sorry," he apologised, "I just meant to say hi."

"You're new here?" she asked rhetorically.

"Just started today. I was told that you would be a good person to ask if I had a question," Chakotay replied, a smile creasing his features

He should have known that Kathryn would have taken most things in her stride. His sudden lunge in her direction hadn't phased her one inch, indeed the opposite.

"Well what can I help you with?" she asked pleasantly. She liked the look of the man in front of her. He reminded her of Jaffen in some ways.

"Oh nothing," Chakotay bluffed, "I just thought I would introduce myself."

"Chakotay huh?" she repeated, her mind playing over his name.

"My friends call me that," he smiled," My work file records my family name. Amal Kotay."

"Well I hope you have a good day," she returned his grin, and watched as he nodded, backing silently away to his console.

"What was that all about?" Jaffen asked.

"Nice man," Janeway whispered, leaning into Jaffen but her eyes watching Chakotay as he quietly headed back to his station. But before Jaffen could continue, Kathryn caught sight of a familiar pastel blue suit.

"Watch out," she whispered conspiratorially to Jaffen," The efficiency monitor is on the war path."…..

* * *

….. Chakotay slipped into the booth where Neelix sat. He watched the Talaxian's gaze as it followed Tom around the bar. Tom seemed at ease here, his natural charm winning over many a patron.

" They all seem so….happy," Neelix whispered.

Chakotay nodded.

"I ran into the Seven and the Captain," Chakotay sighed as he reached for the glass Tom had given him of whatever it was that Neelix had ordered.

"Are they okay?" Neelix gasped, concern etched on his face.

Chakotay gestured half-heartedly with his glass in the direction of Tom, watching as he fluttered around a pregnant B'Elanna.

"They're as happy as those two," Chakotay noted.

"I guess those two are meant for each other no matter what existence they find themselves in," Neelix chuckled warmly as Tom fussed around his wife.

Chakotay sighed heavily, but Neelix had the good graces to pretend not to notice it.

" Some, like Tom and B'Elanna are almost like their old selves, just that their original identities are buried," Chakotay muttered," others, like Kathryn and Seven seem almost happy with the existence that they have carved out here for themselves."

Neelix eyed the Commander quietly.

"Your not thinking of leaving them here, are you?" he asked suspiciously.

Chakotay shook his head slightly.

"No," he added with finality.

But part of him wasn't so sure….

* * *

…. Chakotay let himself quietly into Kathryn's apartment. It seemed that no matter where Kathryn existed, she stilled picked the same combination of numbers for her door code and Chakotay knew them all. The door had released with a faint quick on the second go. He had tried Kathryn's birthday first, with no luck. Then he had tried his birthday and the door lock had released.

Chakotay took a sheet from her closet, tore it into strips and dabbed at the bleeding wound on his arm. He was thankful that he had gotten B'Elanna out of here at least. Part of him desperately wanted to open a comm link to the ship and see how his friend was doing, but the Quarran authorities seemed to be very good at tracking comm pathways and it might lead them to the ship again. Chakotay knew that Harry and the Doctor had the ship just barely held together with duct tape and prayers. The more he could keep the Quarran fighters away from Voyager, the better their eventual chances for escape would be.

Sighing heavily, Chakotay shuffled over to back wall and slid down to sit tiredly in the shadows. Dabbing at the wound one more time he tied of a length of sheet round his arm and lent his head back against the wall.

It looked very much like Kathryn no longer lived here. He could see things that were hers, her knack to acquire odd little trinkets as mementos to her travels still seemed to be part of her personality here too.

He remembered what she had said to him in Tom's bar earlier this evening. She was celebrating her decision to move in with Jaffen, but she had come over to apologise for her new housemate's lack of manners earlier. Chakotay had felt his insides go hollow and he fought hard not to let his reaction show to her. He failed. His eyes had dropped away from hers for a brief moment, the corners of his smile sinking sadly. He had forced a congratulations from between his teeth, attempted a weak smile. But he felt like the ground was shifting out from underneath him as he sat there, looking up at her sadly. She had smiled, told him he could drop by an time and returned to her table

He doubted her invitation to drop by had included hiding out in her deserted apartment, but Chakotay knew that deep down, his Kathryn wouldn't have minded.

Dozing fitfully for most of the early evening, Chakotay was startled awake by the gentle beeping of the door access and the unmistakeable click of the locking mechanism releasing. Slowly he tried to pull himself into the shadows more; raising the phaser he had stolen from the security patrol just in case.

He had watched Kathryn bounce into the room; she exuded confidence and contentment as she waded through boxes looking for something. What she found when she saw the rag and raised the lights was hardly what she had come here for.

"Why do you want?" Janeway asked, her voice tainted with a fear Chakotay had never seen in her before, especially around him. "Jaffen knows where I am. He'll come looking for me"

"I'm hoping you won't tell him I'm here," Chakotay replied tentatively, as he pulled himself to his feet and shuffled over to the push the door shut again. He nudged the locking mechanism and heard it click into place.

Kathryn Janeway looked at the man in her quarters; saw the gaping wound on his arm. He was strikingly handsome she thought, tall and broad, but he seemed so gentle as he reached down and tossed the gun in her direction. His complexion seemed to be sallow and white, despite his naturally dark colouring. He was obviously in pain.

"I'm not here to hurt anyone. You have to trust Me.," he promised, with such certainty in his voice that Kathryn's fears seemed to melt away.

"We're going to have to do something about that arm," Janeway finally replied and she stepped towards where he now sat on the stairs, feeling a faith and confidence in this man that she couldn't explain. Despite the fact that the security patrols were looking for him in connection with the disappearances of two people, Kathryn felt that she didn't need to be frightened with him…

* * *

…Chakotay was surprised when Kathryn actually returned with the dermal regenerator she said she was leaving to get. He had expected her to bring back the authorities instead.

"You need a Doctor," She noted as she tied the bandage back over the partially healed wound

"That'll have to wait till I'm back on Voyager," Chakotay replied.

"Voyager? " Kathryn queried.

"My ship. "

"You live on board? " Janeway asked bemused. Chakotay wondered if she would really have asked that with a tone that suggested it was ludicrous to live in space, had she known the truth of her own life. Looking over her features briefly, marvelling at the sense of peace that emanated from her, the smiled as he replied to her.

"For almost seven years," he finally answered.

Kathryn now looked at him with eyes that spoke the same disbelief that her voice had implied earlier. Chakotay couldn't help but smile.

"Don't you ever want to stay in one place? " Kathryn asked.

Chakotay thought about telling her the story of her life, of their lives. He wondered whether the fact that they had come together in space and travelled together seeking out new worlds and new friendships would mean as much to her as it did to him. He wondered whether she would understand that the life that he had aboard Voyager was the most fulfilling existence that he had had in his life. That the friendships he had made there, hers among them, meant more to him at times than his own life. He doubted that without understanding the concept of Voyager, she would ever understand the importance of their lives aboard the ship. He looked away from her soft features to look at the partially healed wound.

"You seem happy here," he noted, changing the direction of the conversation.

It wasn't until he had uttered the words though that he realised that the answer to that very question meant more to him than anything. As much as he hated to see her with another man, he had always desperately wanted to see her happy.

"I've got a good job," Janeway answered, and Chakotay was buoyed by the fact that she didn't exactly answer the question. She hadn't said that she stayed here because she liked the scenery or because she had a man in her life. The part of Chakotay that noted such minutia in her statements to heart at her words but he also knew better than to push her on anything.

"Ever consider doing something more challenging? " he finally asked, knowing well that Kathryn's very core was powered by new challenges. He was surprised by her answer.

"My job's challenging enough."

"You monitor reactor coils, right? You're obviously a very capable woman. You could probably run that power plant. "

Chakotay watched as she smiled gently at him. Her answer though nearly floored him.

"Why would I want all that responsibility?" she had chuckled back at him.

Chakotay's smiled faded as he thought of all the times she had shouldered responsibility for things. It was her strength and it could also be her undoing, as he and Tuvok had discovered over the years. Harry thankfully interrupted his thoughts. The news wasn't good but at least he knew that B'Elanna was safe and okay. He only wished that Kathryn was as thrilled with the communiqué.

"Why did you call me Captain? " She asked, her voice trembling.

Chakotay looked at her, watched her look away from him to study her hands.

"Because that's who you are," he replied softly.

"That's absurd. So what are you saying, that I was brought here by force too? That my memories were manipulated? "

"I know it sounds strange. .." Chakotay began, but Kathryn cut him off.

"Helping you was a mistake," she spat.

Chakotay tried to reason with her, but he knew Kathryn well, knew how stubborn she could be. Sometimes, he thought, there were times when you just needed to give Kathryn a figurative slap in the face with the truth. Gently he took the dermal regenerator from her and worked it across his face. He watched himself in the mirror; saw the ridges fade and the familiar tattoo reappear. He turned to look at Kathryn, his dark eyes watching her closely for signs that she might panic.

But Kathryn didn't run. She didn't flinch. She simply reached up to tentatively to trace his tattoo.

"We're the same race," she whispered, genuine awe in her voice, her eyes finally for the first time seemed to question the fabrication of her life. Despite Kathryn's better judgement, she found herself trusting the man before.

Chakotay looked at her and smiled, feeling the first semblance of success as he piqued her curiosity. He reached out and took her hand, fighting the urge to run his hand down her smooth face.

His heart demanded that he tell her the truth of his feelings, to be honest with her for once, if only for a brief moment. But his more rational side saw the battle between her known and unknown lives, between what was and might be going on inside her mind and he found himself retreating back into himself. His confidence of the moment seeped away but the hint of his feelings, of his love remained in his voice as he squeezed her hand to reassure her

" We're more than that," he replied his voice barely more than a whisper " We're friends."…

* * *

… Chakotay sat in his chair and stared blankly at the view screen, not really seeing the planet revolve below him. His mission had succeeded but he felt hollow inside. He looked around at the faces on the bridge, saw an echo of the feelings and scenes he saw played out around the entire ship. Tuvok look distracted, Sam was quiet and seemed lost in her own thoughts. Mike, usually a quiet but friendly presence around the bridge seemed almost withdrawn, his eyes dark and haunted.

Chakotay had, perhaps somewhat naively, expected so much joy from his crew and friends at being home. Only Tom and B'Elanna seemed truly grateful to be back where they belonged. Last night after another failed attempt to coax Kathryn from her quarters, he had sat alone in the mess hall and watched the comings and goings of the crew. Only B'Elanna and Tom had acknowledged him.

"I don't think I'm the most popular person around here for some reason," he had confided in Tom.

Tom had looked ruefully around the rest of the crew in the room.

"It's nothing personal," the helmsman sighed," it's just a little difficult right now for some."

"Not you," Chakotay noted.

"I didn't have anything to lose," Tom half chuckled, half snorted." My whole life's on this ship. B'Elanna and I haven't got anything any where else to be."

Chakotay sipped his tea, eyeing Tom. He remembered how even when he had the ability to run riot on the planet below, Tom had still been drawn to B'Elanna. His instincts had still been to protect his wife and baby. Nothing that Kadan could have done could have altered the true nature of their feelings for each other. Chakotay wondered if his helmsman knew just how lucky he was.

Tom finished his fork full of food, before he set the plate aside. He could see Chakotay's mind ticking over, guessed that some of the thoughts were good, others not so good. Swallowing he looked up at the First Officer, hoping that a little perspective might help the big guy.

" It's like everyone here was really happy in that little dream world that they had us living in," Tom began," and then they suddenly were forced to realise that everything they thought was good in their lives was a dream and any real semblance of a life that they may have is thirty thousand light years from here. It's kind of a bitter pill to swallow."

Chakotay's thoughts drifted to the man Kathryn had had transported up to see her tonight. He wondered if she felt the way Tom surmised the others felt. Ripped from one life of perfect happiness and forced to merely subsist in another, everything that you loved thousands of light years away... How much had he taken away from Kathryn by coming back for her that night? A future as someone's wife, perhaps someone's mother. Something better than the solitary guardianship of one hundred and fifty lives, all of who seemed to have something in their lives that she was denied. No wonder she had seemed so settled there. Her life there was everything that it couldn't be here.

Chakotay was summoned from his daydream back to the planet circling below in the view screen as Harry announced that all the Quarran officials had departed the ship.

"The captain's guest?" Chakotay asked, suddenly wanting to know what decisions Kathryn had made. But he didn't dare take his eyes off the back of Tom's head, feeling as if his whole life at the moment was transparent to everyone.

"He left with the last group," Harry replied quietly.

Before Chakotay could answer the tired Ensign to thank him for his report, the turbolift doors opened and Kathryn stepped hesitantly on to the bridge.

"Captain on the bridge," Harry announced.

Chakotay watched Kathryn flinch every so slightly. Forcing a weak smile, to the surface, she rounded the rails to take her seat. She stared at the view screen watching the blue marble world revolve. From here it looked so much like Earth. It had felt so much like Earth. He thought about reaching out and taking her hand, but he doubted that she was up for a display of his affections when she had just denied her own by sending away a man she had fallen in love with. Taking a deep breath he looked at her sadly.

"Ready to go," he asked, so softly she barely heard him at first.

"It may not have been real, Chakotay," she muttered," but it felt like home. If you hadn't come after me I never would've known that I had another life."

Chakotay forced a smile that he didn't feel. She didn't sound all that relieved to be back. Leaning over he looked at her briefly before he replied.

"Are you sorry I showed up," he asked.

"Not for a second," she answered him matter of factly, turning to look at him for the first time since the EMH had discharged her from sickbay.

He didn't see her usual smile in her eyes, nor did he see her usual do or die manner. He saw an echo of Kathryn Janeway etched in the stone life features of the Captain, emotionless.

Chakotay wasn't so sure that she wasn't regretting his rescuing her, but Tom had called out then to answer Janeway's heading instructions, and by the time that Chakotay looked at Kathryn again, all the was Kathryn had been consumed by all that was Captain. Chakotay watched her sit back confidently in her chair.

But within ten minutes she had retreated to her Ready Room, shutting herself away from her crew, her life that had consumed whatever happiness she may have had on that planet. She sat down stiffly at her desk, and found herself staring blankly at the monitor, wishing for all she was worth that it was as easy for her to become nothingness as it was for that screen.

On the bridge, Chakotay looked away from the closed doors of Janeway's Ready room and sighed. As soon as he had seen to it that the ship was safely away from Quarran space, he had handed over command to Tuvok and headed for his own office. He had a stack of crew rosters and assignments to look over and he had promised Neelix that he would rotate Chell to the mess hall to cover for him whilst he made extra rounds to counsel the crew. But he could only stare blankly at the pads wondering whether he could have done things differently. He opened the desk drawer and let his fingers wander over the cloth bandage Kathryn had made him, a brief sad smile washing over him. Reluctantly he took the small keepsake he had accquired on Quarra from the drawer and walked over to the old footlocker he kept in his office for burying such things. Keying in the combination, he opened the locker and placed the cloth inside, his gaze briefly darting over the other things he had stowed here over the years.

When the door chimed and Neelix entered, Chakotay closed the trunk and reactivated the lock, the gesture symbolic on more levels than he cared to discuss with the Talaxian right now.

"Keepsakes, Commander?" the Talaxian enquired,

Chakotay shook his head, as much to shake away the thoughts of Kathryn as to answer his guest.

"No," he sighed, taking his seat behind his desk again," just boxing away my life again."


	2. Chapter 2

_****_

_**DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount.**_

**_AUTHOR: Riverhawk_**

**_NOTES: Episode Add on For Human Error_**

_**Part 2 - TALAXIAN TENDERLOIN IN TEN MINUTES**_

"_Chakotay, as you might know I've taken an interest in culinary science. I'm preparing a meal tomorrow night and I thought perhaps you could attend to evaluate my work," Seven asked  
__"I'd be happy to," the first officer replied._

"_Nineteen hundred hours? "_

_Chakotay smiled graciously  
"I'll bring the wine and the furniture," he noted.  
"Then you accept?" Seven asked, a little taken aback by his answer._

"_It's a date."_

Seven found herself staring at the astrometrics screen, not really noticing the stream of data that ran across it.

Her mind played that scene over and over again to her. Although she had programmed the Chakotay character, she hadn't expected him to respond so readily to her invitation. That feeling of utter surprise had stuck with her; it was something that she as an ex-drone with the knowledge of thousands got to experience so very rarely. Even after she had been admonished by Janeway and prevented from returning to her dream by her own body, the thought of her time with the Commander stayed with her.

She had picked Chakotay for obvious reasons. He had admirable qualities, she had told the Doctor, and that was the truth. He was an excellent officer, perhaps more so rather than because of his tumultuous background.

He was passionate and strong in his convictions. He stood his ground with pride, but he was as equally unafraid of admitting he was wrong or that another idea was better. On a more personal note, she had observed him to be extremely kind hearted. He was much admired by the crew. Lieutenant Torres shared a bond that was very close, and Seven had been observed that she was able to push him much further than others. He doted on her like a sister. Naomi Wildman, equally as close to Seven, also doted on him. He in return was extraordinarily patient and generous with her, often sitting with her for hours telling her stories.

All in all, he was a very appropriate choice for her. Seven had surprised herself how much she had enjoyed his company, how much it had pleased her to look upon him.

But despite all the pleasant feelings associated with her recent exploration of her human condition, Seven felt ill at ease. Scared.

What frightened Seven was just how often in the last year she had gotten pleasure and satisfaction from suspending reality and living in dream worlds.

First there had been Unimatrix zero, and Axum. She had resisted it at first, believing the feelings she had there to be a malfunction. But the ease with which she could be herself there was compelling to her, as was Axum.

Then there had been their stay on Quarra, the effects of which most of the crew were still trying to come to terms with. Seven had noticed how quiet and withdrawn the captain had become since then. Seven understood her loss, she had felt it when she had been forced to say goodbye to Axum. She had vowed never to feel that way again.

Yet here she was, creating her own worlds to live in and as of this morning, forcing herself to say good bye again. Only this time it wasn't so easy.

"Penny for them."

Seven span around, forced from her reverie by the familiar gravelly voice.

"I apologize captain," she blurted," I did not here you enter."

Kathryn Janeway gave her protégé a small smile.

"No law against day dreaming Seven," she reassured her," Not even in Starfleet."

"Lately, I believe I have been doing a little too much day dreaming, as you call it," Seven replied.

Janeway raised a quizzical eyebrow. But Seven thought it better on this occasion not to confront her with the truth. Whilst Starfleet may not have rules against day dreaming, Seven surmised, they probably had very good ones about romantic relationships with holographic representations of the first officer.

"It is a long story," Seven replied succinctly.

"Maybe you could tell it to me sometime," Janeway sighed," I could use a good story about now."

"Perhaps," Seven agreed, but she saw little chance of that happening.

Seven watched her mentor, as she idly ran her finger along the console, inspecting it every now and then for dust. Whilst Kathryn Janeway was a stickler for some things, spot inspections were more in Tuvok's purview. Her eyes were dark, obviously victim to not enough sleep and too much coffee. Janeway's usual confidant stride seemed swallowed up by more tentative steps. Running her finger along another console, the captain inspected closely for debris. Part of Seven was pleased that she had detailed that job to Icheb only a few days ago.

"Is there something I can help you with, Captain?" Seven asked, eventually.

Janeway shook her head.

"No," she replied.

The captain's lack of forthcoming information triggered one of Seven's natural Borg traits and she found herself becoming a little frustrated with the situation. Reticence was a trait that she would have associated more with Chakotay than she would the Captain. No one had ever accused Kathryn Janeway of dallying in voicing her opinion on anything. The rush of old habits to her was like a salve on her uncertain mind right now. With her usual Borg tact then, or rather lack of it, Seven looked her captain squarely in the eye.

"Then may I ask why you are here," Seven pushed.

Kathryn sighed heavily and sat down on the steps that led to the upper observation section.

"Truthfully?" Kathryn asked, and Seven nodded, a little guilty that she had not afforded her captain with the same honesty. "I'm avoiding Chakotay and Tuvok."

Seven edged closer to the captain, focusing her eyes on her console, even though she didn't see the readings. Seven had observed the gesture being used by others when they wished to talk of personal matters, the Doctor in particular.

Seven watched as the captain stared down at the deck, lost in her thoughts. After what Seven considered an appropriate time, 10.5 seconds, she looked up to address her commanding officer.

"Why would you feel the need to avoid your senior officers?" she asked.

Janeway chuckled to herself, but she was sure that it would sound more like a disgruntled snort to Seven. It was probably not the most virtuous element of the repository of human emotion to show her protégé, but it was how she felt. Ever since she had said goodbye to Jaffen she had watched Chakotay's eyes follow her around the bridge, and she had watched Tuvok follow her just about everywhere else. She knew damn well that Chakotay had ordered Tuvok to keep and eye on her at all times, purely because she had made it damn clear to Chakotay that she wanted a little space from him at the moment. She had fully expected to crawl out of bed this morning and find her chief of security sat in her bathroom, holding her toothbrush ready for her.

For a brief moment she thought it would almost be better to have Chakotay back fussing around her.

"At least I can tell him where to go when I want to," she muttered aloud.

"Captain?" Seven queried.

"Oh nothing," Janeway sighed, "I just thought that if I came in here to see you, they would assume I was working and they would stop coming to see me or at the very least stop calling me every five minutes."

Seven considered the Captain's statement.

"A logical assumption," Seven agreed," You are most welcome to 'hide out' here."

Janeway grinned for perhaps the first time in days. She could see so much of Tom and Harry's influence in Seven. It had done her good, it seemed.

"I just wish that I had had the fore thought to beam a book here," Janeway lamented.

It was a small concern she knew, but the lack of space over the last month had made her begin to long desperately for just five minutes of peace and quiet to read her poetry books. In almost a month, she had failed at every attempt to make it to the end of her Elizabeth Barrett Browning because of one call or another. It was almost becoming an obsession with her.

Seven saw the look in Janeway's eyes and remembered all those times she had tried to get close to her holo-Chakotay, only to have the real one yank her back to the real world. It had become an obsession for her too, to get just five minutes alone with her ersatz first officer.

"Perhaps I might suggest an alternative arrangement," Seven offered.

"I tried Jeffries tubes," Janeway tried to pre-empt her," Chakotay just sends B'Elanna in after me. Tried the shuttle bay and Tom appears. Sickbay is a definite no-no, even if I weren't due a physical. I thought about hiding out in the female locker room in the gymnasium but I keep expecting Harry Kim to pop out of somewhere…. and that is just not conducive to reading anything."

As she raised her hand to rub the stress from the bridge of her nose, Janeway thought she actually saw Seven smile.

"I was going to suggest something a little less drastic," Seven replied.

Janeway looked up instantly.

"Go on, I'm listening," she prodded her.

"I need your comm badge," Seven ordered, holding her hand out.

Almost blindly, Janeway followed orders, pulling the communicator from her chest and placing it in the ex-drone's hand.

And almost as she did so she felt the familiar tingle of the transporter. She reappeared in the hush quiet semi darkness of her quarters. Feeling the silence wash over her almost to the point of giddiness, she turned to see her desk computer come to life, Seven's face on it.

"Sometimes the simplest answers are the best," the Borg offered.

"Tuvok will work this out, Seven," Janeway replied, her voice sinking into a little sadness at the thought of this freedom being gone soon," and if he doesn't, Chakotay sure as hell will."

"I have removed all traces of the transport and masked the life signs in your quarters. For all intents and purposes, you are still here. Admittedly this will not fool Commander Chakotay or Commander Tuvok indefinitely, but it will serve to give you a few hours of peace and quiet," Seven noted.

"How on earth can you manage that," Janeway asked curiously," those systems are supposed to be fool proofed against tampering."

Seven seemed to think about her answer for a minute, and Janeway would swear again that the younger woman's mouth twitched into a smile.

"Let's just say the computer and I had a long conversation on the nature of Borg adaptation," Seven noted.

"Adaptation ? " Janeway echoed.

"Indeed," Seven replied," After a while the computer realized that resistance was futile."

Janeway couldn't help the laugh that burst forth from her. She reveled in the sense of relief that that one simple act had given her.

"Seven," Janeway noted when her laughing subsided," I do believe that you are developing a sense of humour."

"Perhaps," Seven replied.

Seven watched as Janeway looked at the quiet darkness around her; saw the peace that it offered.

"Thank you Seven," she finally said quietly.

"You are welcome," she replied.

"And I might not be able to lecture the computer in adaptability," Janeway added," but rumour has it I have some sway with the captain. Send the hounds my way when they start barking."

And Janeway knew that Chakotay would come barking. With out fail.

"Pleasant reading, Captain," Seven noted, and with that she shut down the comm link.

Kathryn Janeway surveyed the peace and solitude and was thankful yet again that she had decided to keep Seven around all those years ago. With a relaxed sigh, she retrieved her Browning from behind the couch where she had tossed it in frustration the other day when Chakotay had called her about something.

Damn him, she thought as she pulled the book back out. She hated his sweetness right now more than she hated anything. She needed someone to be angry at and he was making himself patently unavailable.

Realising how petty she sounded, Janeway slumped in her chair, pulling the afghan around her shoulders.

_With unabash'd and unabated gaze,_

_Teach me to hope for, what the angels know_

_When they smile clear as thou dost_

That was what had niggled her most she thought, the fact that Chakotay could smile, now of all times.

Kathryn had expected him of all people to understand how she felt having to leave Jaffen behind. Chakotay had seen the two of them together, had seen Kathryn move in with Jaffen. Considering all that he had said to her on New Earth, about not giving up the present for a future that may never happen, she had expected him more than anyone to understand her decision to embrace life on Quarra. Admittedly, her work satisfaction had been programmed into her, but her relationship with Jaffen had been all her own doing.

Her life with Jaffen had been everything she couldn't have here. Admittedly Jaffen hadn't had Chakotay's sense of humour or his gentle kindness, but he had loved her……

Janeway looked up from her book, slamming it shut as she did so.

"Since when do I have to make anyone and everyone in my life live up to Chakotay?" she cursed loudly, refusing to admit to her herself that perhaps her feelings for Jaffen had not run as deep as his had for her.

She didn't wait to hear her answer herself. She didn't trust herself to hear her answer. Instead she decided now was a good time as any for a soak in her bath tub, since she was pretty sure that at least for the next hour Tuvok wasn't likely to appear sat on her toilet, nor Harry from behind the pipe work. Defiantly slamming her book on the table, and with a livid scowl and a frown the size of the Grand Canyon, she headed for her bathroom.

* * *

Chakotay had expected subterfuge from Kathryn. In fact, he had been waiting for it. But he hadn't expected it from Seven and that intrigued him.

He knew that Tuvok has taken his instructions to keep and eye on Kathryn a little too literally, and was, in a very real sense, around every corner that Kathryn turned. But once he had issued the order, Chakotay had had a hard time retracting it, so he had chosen to leave it alone instead.

He had waited calmly, noticeably absent from Kathryn's field of view. It was hard for him, not being there for her. But her hostility towards him now was growing, and he reckoned he knew why.

Even if he didn't understand the details of the how's and whys of her relationship with Jaffen, the fact that they had existed at all and that he had taken her from that life was enough to put him on her wrong side right now. His being in her face would have just made things worse, he thought.

Not that Tuvok wasn't already driving her to distraction, but Chakotay's presence on top of that would have made her even angrier and they would eventually have ended up having another fight, one perhaps they wouldn't walk away from so unscathed this time.

He loved Kathryn with all he had, he admitted to himself, but it wasn't worth their friendship to be anything more than a shadow right now.

So a shadow he had been, skulking just out of Kathryn and Tuvok's eyeshot. He had managed to keep a good ninety percent of the people that wanted to see her out of her hair, but he doubted very much Kathryn saw it that way.

Chakotay had watched Kathryn's movements on his computer in his office when Tuvok reported that she was on her way to astrometrics. He didn't normally follow her that closely. But he knew Kathryn very well, and she rarely dropped by astrometrics unless she had a reason. Since that whole thing with the subspace munitions range had drifted away with yesterday's news, there had been very little for Seven to do there, let alone two of them.

After about fifteen minutes of watching the little blue dots, Chakotay worked it out, much like Kathryn had told Seven that he would. He knew enough about Borg data pathways now to know where to look, and indeed he found Seven's fingerprints, as it were, all over the waste reclamation and recycling subroutines.

It truly was the last place anyone would look for back up transport commands, unless of course you had been the one to put them there in the first place. Smiling at Seven's adaptations of his own seven year old work, he closed down his console and headed for deck 3.

When Janeway had emerged from her bathroom, she was not surprised in the least to find Chakotay sat on her couch. Her scowl returned with a gusto.

"Well I told her it wouldn't take you long," she noted tersely as she walked over to her dresser for her brush.

"If you'd have gone anywhere but astrometrics, I might have thought twice. But you've never spent more than five minutes there in the past fours years unless you really had to," he smiled," so taking voluntary stroll to hang out there today of all days seemed a little out of the ordinary shall we say."

"Fine, Inspector Clouseau, you worked it out, now do you mind getting the hell out of my quarters," she snapped back at him.

Chakotay watched her fairly beat her own hair to death with her brush. He was probably one of the few people who found her more beautiful when she was angry than he did the rest of the time.

"It's Thursday," he replied softly.

Janeway stopped mid brush and closed her eyes. She was in no mood for his weekly endeavors to ensure that she ate one decent meal.

"I don't feel like dinner tonight," she finally said matter of factly a minute later, " Raincheck?"

"And so it begins," he muttered softly.

"What?" she barked, turning to face him.

"You're shutting yourself away again."

"Whose fault is that," she spat, part of her regretting it as soon as she said it, part of her hoping it hurt him like hell. Why should she be the only one to feel lousy?

"There are people who need you, Kathryn," Chakotay barked back, his temper rising.

" Who ?" she asked incredulously, " Everyone on this ship has just been very well reminded that everyone and everything they need is thirty thousand light years away."

"So you do regret me turning up," he yelled at her, surprising himself.

He had had an idea that first day she had returned to the bridge, that she was thinking that very thought. That was the day that he had decided that hope had passed again and he had boxed away his feelings again.

" What do you want me to say," she shouted back at him," that I don't regret you turning up yet again to take me away from any semblance of peace and happiness ?"

Chakotay looked at her, eyes blazing.

" I never took happiness from you, Kathryn," he said in a voice so angrily quiet it reached her like no yell would have," I think you need to look in the mirror for that one."

"Get out," she replied coldly; resisting the urge to throw all those things around her quarters that he had bought her at him as he left.

Standing from his position on the sofa, he pulled himself up straight and tall, his face impassive, hers with a look of anger and dripping hatred watching his every move.

"Yes ma'am," he replied icily, his voice thick with danger as she turned away from him to stare out of the viewport.

His voice had been that same level of dark threat and anger as yesterday when she had wondered why Seven wasn't at her post. She could have skated on the ice that had formed between them when he answered her, not once averting his eyes from the console in front of him.

"_Good question. Maybe you should ask her."_

It had hurt to say the least. But she had thought at the time that he was just angry at Seven.

When Kathryn looked around from the view port again, he was gone. She heard something crash against the wall in Chakotay's quarters a few moments later, and part of her regretted what she had said and done to him. He had after all done the right thing in coming back for her, for all of them. He had done for her what she had promised to do for him and the others for the last seven years, to ensure that no one would get left behind.

But all the rational thinking in the universe couldn't seem to fill the void inside of her right now, a pit of gnawing darkness that seemed to be growing. That life on Quarra might have been fabrication, but the long buried needs that that life had brought out and fulfilled in her was very real. She had meant something to someone. Someone had been there to listen to her every whinge and regret, to comment of her plans and share in her stories. She had someone to lean on. Someone who would be there for her no matter what.

And as Kathryn Janeway placed her brush back on the dresser and straightened the collar of her uniform, she realized that she hadn't been thinking of Jaffen, and the person who had given her all those things was the very same man she had tossed out her quarters.

And because of that, however irrationally, she hated Chakotay even more right now.

* * *

As Chakotay collected the last of the glass fragments from the base of the bulkhead where they had shattered, he made a mental note to get maintenance services in here tomorrow to do something about the ink stains and sand all over the place. He hadn't intended to vent so violently, but Kathryn had hurt him more than he had thought possible, which was quite something considering the number of fights they had had over the years. He had eventually decided that throwing things in his quarters was a lot more conducive to a long and peaceful life some time in the future than throwing himself out of the airlock, which was the only other thing that he was remotely interested in doing right now.

Chakotay slumped in his chair, and looked blankly at the adjoining bulkhead between his and Kathryn's quarters. He thought of her going about her normal routine in there, when his life was falling apart in here. He had tried desperately to box his feelings away a few weeks ago; to protect himself from this, from what he knew was coming. It seemed he didn't box them away enough, because he hurt like hell right now.

Desperate for something to think about other than how much he friendship with Kathryn had fallen apart over the last few weeks, Chakotay started to page through the messages on his padd. There was one from Neelix that was so ridiculous an event to think about going to, it was probably the best place for him right now.

"Talaxian tenderloin in ten minutes," he muttered to himself as he pulled himself to his feet," Now I know she's driven me out of my mind."

* * *

Seven had been surprised to say the least that no one had come looking for the Captain in astrometrics for the entire afternoon, especially as Seven had been convinced that her use of Commander Chakotay's old back door transport commands would have triggered an alert some where.

With the captain's comm badge in one hand, and her report on the subspace munitions range in the other, Seven wearily headed of in the direction of the cargo bay. She had regenerated sporadically over the last week or so and she was tired the more so for it. An evening of prolonged regeneration had become and appealing thought to her.

"Where's the fire? " Chakotay called out to her as he trotted into step with her.

He had been surprised that it had been Seven who had aided and abetted the captain's escape from Tuvok, to say the least. He had rather thought that Kathryn would prevail on the Starfleet tendencies of Tom or Harry. It had intrigued him as well, because Seven had never been one to think outside the box before.

"Fire? " Seven had echoed lamely, surprised as she was by his approach to her. Chakotay had never willingly walked with her for the sake of walking before.

"You seem to be in a hurry," He noted

"I have to finish my report on the subspace warheads."

"The ship's out of danger, thanks to you. You've earned a break. Why don't you join me in the Mess hall? Neelix is going to give a cooking lesson. Talaxian tenderloin in ten minutes."

Even Chakotay couldn't believe he was asking her to join him for a cooking session. Seven looked at him several times before she answered.

" I'm no longer interested in cooking," Seven answered him bluntly, suddenly flustered by his attentions and wondering for all she was worth where the confidence she had felt in the holodeck with her holo-Chakotay had gone.

The real Chakotay smiled at her.

"Then come for the company," he offered, and suddenly wondering whether Seven would be frightened by his forwardness he added," B'Elanna's going to be there, Tuvok even promised to show up. It'll be fun. "

That, Chakotay promised himself silently, was going to be the first and last time that he ever admitted to anyone the possibility that and evening with Tuvok, Neelix and a pot roast was going to be fun.

Seven raised a curious eyebrow at the list of guests, much the same as Chakotay had done when he had found out.

"I appreciate your offer. Another time, perhaps," she replied.

Chakotay sighed inwardly; he had kind of liked the idea of an evening out with a laterally thinking Seven.

"You know," he began," you should try socializing with the crew a little more. It might do you some good."

From any one else, Seven thought that she would have been offended, but she saw the same glint in this Chakotay's eye, that she had seen in her own, and that was a look she understood well.

She nodded gratefully to him, as he slowly walked away. Seven idled a couple of paces, only to turn to catch Chakotay watching her. He smiled nervously at her again, before he turned back and carried on towards the mess hall.

As Seven entered the turbolift at the end of the corridor, her mind played over the invitation in her mind. Whilst not a venue or event listed on the Doctor's approved social calendar, Seven had to admit that as ludicrous as it sounded for a person of her skills and background, Talaxian tenderloin in ten minutes sounded like it would be, as Chakotay noted, a lot of fun. Straightening herself to her full height, Seven ordered the turbolift to a stop.

"Halt turbolift," she said with a smile, "Change destination, Deck 2 Mess Hall."


	3. Chapter 3

**__**

_**DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount.**_

**_AUTHOR: Riverhawk_**

**_NOTES: Episode Add on For Q2 _**

**_Part 3 - TWO Q'S DON'T_ _MAKE IT ALL RIGHT_**

_Stardate 54704.5_

" I've made a full sensor sweep, " Tom announced, "There's no sign of any more Borg vessels. "

"The boy? " Janeway asked, rubbing the bridge of her nosed.

" He's gone," Chakotay replied

If Kathryn heard him, she didn't acknowledge it.

" I am going to my quarters," she announced sharply, sighing heavily and raising her palms up as a barrier to the whole world. She looked at Chakotay, but she barely acknowledged him as she added, " You have the bridge."

Chakotay didn't bother to answer her. She wasn't in the mood to listen anyway. He sighed. Things were starting to become difficult now. He was, after all these years out here with her, quite used to her moods and the way they came and went and he had learnt to roll with the punches on her down days. But she and Chakotay seemed to be fighting over just about everything lately. Running his hand tiredly through his hair, he sat sullenly in his chair and tried to concentrate on Tuvok's security upgrade report.

* * *

Slumping onto the sofa in her quarters, Janeway sighed aloud. This was all she needed, the damn Q Continuum using her ship as their playground. She had enough problems right now. She was pretty sure that the crew had sensed a change in her relationship with Chakotay. It was just the way they were all a little different when the two of them, her and Chakotay, ended up in one room together. She knew for certain that every time she turned around, Tuvok was watching her. She doubted that after all this time it had anything to with those orders Chakotay had given him after Quarra. She had to be nicer to Chakotay, if only to get Tuvok off her back.

Janeway opened her tired eyes and looked out of the view port. There was a time when she didn't have to think about forcing herself to be nice to Chakotay. It had happened naturally. He had been her closest friend aboard ship, the closest friend she had ever had. She found it easier to be herself around him than around anyone else. He never judged her. Truth was, as much as she still yearned for aspects of her life on Quarra, and as much as she lay the blame irrationally at Chakotay's feet for the loss of it, she missed him.

" There's only one thing to do in a crisis like this," she announced to the empty thin air as she stood and started to unzip her jacket. Heading through her quarters and into her bathroom she reveled in turning the faucets of her bath tub on and pouring in some scented soap mixture guaranteed to produce extremely frothy bubbles. There was nothing better to clear her mind than a long soak in the tub. With eager anticipation she began to peel of her clothes. she chuckled as she squirmed out of her shirt. For all the lousy days when when she and Chakotay fought and the whole universe seemed out to annoy her, there were days like these, when the bath tub was full and it was good to be captain.

* * *

But good feelings never lasted indefinitely, and as Kathryn was rudely being interrupted by a Q in her bath, Chakotay yawned a little as Neelix poured him some coffee. His brain was still trying to get over being called ' that lumbering oaf chuckles ' by the replicator.

" Fuelling up, Commander," Neelix asked, " I thought only the Captain did that."

Chakotay grinned. If there relationship had done nothing else, he thought, Kathryn had succeeded in teaching him bad habits with coffee.

" I have a feeling its going to be a long day," he chuckled

Bowing his head graciously, Neelix moved off to serve his next patron, Chell, who he had just spied being called an overweight overbearing dolt as the main serving for his breakfast.

" It seems this Q is quite an annoying individual," Seven noted from behind the commander.

Chakotay turned to look at her and smiled broadly. There was always something serene about Seven that was ironically calming.

" That's one way of putting it," he chuckled," personally I think he's a pain in the ass just like his father."

Seven inclined her head in her usual curiously intrigued manner.

" You have not had previous good relations with Q then ?" She asked as Chakotay motioned to a vacant table. The first officer laughed out loud as he considered his previous encounters with the continuum.

" Lets just say Q and I have different opinions of how the captain should be treated," he smiled, but his smile disappeared as he realized what he had said. He hadn't even realised that Kathryn was on his mind. When Seven didn't seem to notice his faux pas, Chakotay quickly moved the conversation onwards." So do the Borg have much contact with the continuum ?"

" No," Seven replied," although the collective have been aware of them for a long time. Their omnipotence intrigued the collective, but the elusiveness of the Q themselves made it difficult for them to be assimilated. It is directive no 2 on the Borg special subjects list."

" Behind the omega particle ?" Chakotay asked.

" Correct," Seven noted.

She has been in two minds, if that were possible for a Borg, as to whether or not to approach the Commander as she had walked into the mess hall. Although she had derived much satisfaction from Neelix's tenderloin demonstration the other week, despite the notable inefficiency of his methodology, she had been uncertain as to the general opinion of her presence there, in particular from the Commander. She had been pleasantly surprised when the Commander had responded favorably to her a minute ago, more so when she considered how easily the conversation between them flowed.

" So what did you think of them," Chakotay asked.

" They possess a puerile nature," Seven replied.

Chakotay did a double take as he sipped his coffee.

" Puerile ?"

" Indeed."

Chakotay began to twiddle with his ear as he looked at Seven, an amused frown crossing his brow.

" Why ?"

" When he had the chance to do, learn or see anything, Q's son was interested only in seeing me naked," Seven replied matter of factly.

She feigned interest in her padd as she watched Chakotay's jaw drop. The faintest hint of smile tickled the corner of her lips, but she succeeded in pushing it away before Chakotay saw it.

" Well I guess he's going to be a chip off the ole block," Chakotay growled between clenched teeth.

" You are angry ?" Seven noted.

" Damn straight," he muttered as he finished off his coffee." Why Kathryn thinks that she make another reclamation project out of this one I'll never know."

He stood to refill his coffee mug, making an effort to smile down at Seven.

" You are leaving ?" she asked. She wondered momentarily whether she had said anything that would have offended Chakotay, but he smiled pleasantly at her and Seven found herself becoming more relieved than she would have thought.

" I'm due to review Q's progress with the Naussican trade simulation," he replied apologetically as he turned to leave. But he stopped mid-step after a few paces and turned back to face Seven, " See you around ?"

Seven smiled openly this time.

" Of course," she nodded graciously and Chakotay began to grin even wider.

* * *

Janeway watched Chakotay step out from a turbolift ahead of her, his coffee cup in hand, a padd in the other and one of his stupid grins spread all over his face. Now was as good a time as any to build some bridges,she thought, but it made her angrier than she thought to see him smiling when she felt so lousy and out of sorts.

" Aren't you supposed to be supervising our young guest? " She asked him as she caught up with his long stride.

" He says he doesn't need supervision," Chakotay responded succinctly.

He tried his best to keep his tone neutral, his demeanor non threatening, anything to ensure that Kathryn wouldn't have cause to start another fight again.

" And you accepted that? " she rounded on him, eyeing him sideways.

" Of course not. I'm just giving him a chance to fail. Then he'll have to ask for some help."

Chakotay sighed inwardly. All these years together and there was still a part of Kathryn that didn't trust him. He fleetingly wondered inwardly when Kathryn was ever going to realize that he wasn't an idiot. That there were things that he was actually quite good at doing. After all he was an ex-teacher of advanced tactical studies at the Academy. If he survived that, he was pretty sure he could analyse the tactical implications of a training simulation with a humanoid Q. Part of him considered telling her so, as he might once have done, but his need for a quiet life outweighed his anger.

Kathryn looked over at him and could some how see the silent thoughts racing through his mind. He had never been very good at hiding his emotions from her.

Part of her wanted to reach out and lay her hand on his chest again, to reassure him that he wasn't taken for a fool. But she didn't want to provoke him, start another row, the two of them yelling insults at each other across the corridor at each other in front of the crew.

" Sounds like a good strategy," she observed in as chipper a manner as she could muster," Let me know how it goes".

And with that she was gone again. Chakotay thought about shouting a yes ma'am down the corridor after her, but decided against it. He knew when to recognise a small victory, and he knew how to take it for what it was. Yelling after her might just provoke her to try to get the last word again. A smile brigtening his face, Chakotay swallowed the last of his coffee and entered the holodeck.

* * *

Janeway watched tiredly as Junior disappeared his a burst of momentary brilliance. She felt some of the tension in her ebb away, lulled by thoughts of taking another dip in her tub. She was however drawn from her thoughts by the one remaining thorn in her side. Scowling, she turned to face the elder Q.

"Oh, before I leave," he grinned widely, giving her a padd," I did a little homework for you. Consider it a thank you for everything you did for Junior".

Janeway took the padd. The calculations were complex, but not un-known to her. She felt her stomach leap and a rush of excitement through that she hadn't felt in long time. She subconciously made a mental note to track down Chakotay first thing and show him. In an effort to temper her responses to Q, Janeway swallowed hard and pursed her lips.

" Not that I don't appreciate it, but this will only take a few years off our journey. Why not send us all the way?" she asked.

Q couldn't help but chuckle at her question. Humanity…so predictable.

" What sort of an example would I be setting for my son if I did all the work for you?"

And with that Kathryn disappeared from before him and Q once again stood on the dusty, baking roadway.

" Ahhh," he sighed ironically, " Home sweet home."

Junior looked up from the rock he sat on, his head resting in his palm, a bored look on his face.

" What was that you gave Aunt Kathy ?" he asked in a lazy drawl.

" Just a little gift," Q yawned, " to thank your Aunt Kathy for straigtening you out."

Junior pulled a lethargic, half-hearted scowling face at his father.

" So why not all the way home ?"

" Because your Aunt Kathy has one last thing to learn before she gets home," Q noted as he started the long trek down the roadway.

" And what's that ?" Junior asked, but his father just carried on walking, " Dad ?"

Q kept walking, a broad grin spreading over his features. Oh he'd given Kathryn a gift alright. Just not the kind that she was expecting. It was the gift of time, and the chance to learn from her mistakes.

Junior pulled himself to his feet, thankful for the billionth time today that he wasn't a grown up. Trotting slowly after his father he called after him.

" So are you going to tell me, dad…….Dad !"


	4. Chapter 4

_****_

_**DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount.**_

**_AUTHOR: Riverhawk_**

**_NOTES: Episode Add on For Author Author but Kathryn steals it all for her self indulgent realisation of what everyone else already knew_**

_**Part 4 - PHYSICIAN HEAL THYSELF**_

_Stardate: 54732.3_

Kathryn looked up at the astrometrics display and sighed. From across the galaxy she looked at home, home as it was now, not some distant memory. Despite all the Federation and Earth had been through, she marveled how unchanged it seemed. She briefly looked out of the corner of her eye at Chakotay, but he seemed lost in his own thoughts of home. Forcing on a smile she didn't really feel, she turned to Owen Paris and Reg Barclay and lauded her best thanks.

* * *

Chakotay couldn't remember the last time they had stood together, just the two of them. He playfully twisted the stem of his champagne glass between his fingers.

" So how've you been ?" he asked quietly.

Kathryn jumped, startled. She turned back to face him, a gentle smile crossing her face.

" Sorry," she sighed, " I was just watching Tom and Harry."

Chakotay broke into his own broad, dimpled grin.

" Changed haven't they ?" he smiled proudly.

Kathryn grinned at him for all she was worth now. He didn't realize then how much he had missed it. Kathryn was never happier than when she got to show pride in her 'family'.

" We've all changed," she sighed after a while, looking at him pointedly.

Chakotay pursed his lips, considering his words before he answered.

" For the better ?" he asked, neutrally.

As he spoke Kathryn turned to watch Tom relinquish his communications lottery winnings to Harry, watched the younger man beam with hope. She was struck by the sudden thought that there were two camps aboard her ship. There were those like Harry who would do practically anything to get home now that he could almost taste it. And then there were those like Tom, who were happy to help their crewmates to get home, but who weren't all that bothered about getting there themselves. They already were home. Turning back to look at Chakotay as he waited for her to answer, she wondered which of the two camps he fell into. Kathryn reached out for his forearm, needing desperately to feel the solidity of him alll of a sudden. She watched as he sighed heavily and a broad, dimpled grin reached out to her.

" Oh yes," she nodded, finally answering his question, before lamenting sadly on the last few months "for the most part."

Chakotay's smile continued to shine on his face as he reached up to pat the hand on his arm. It was starting to feel like old times. Even Kathryn was admitting that their diminished relationship of the last few months was hardly a high point of their trip. That was why it had surprised him this morning when they had been shown the live view of home.

" You didn't seem all that excited about seeing Earth," Chakotay noted

" I didn't think you were watching," Kathryn replied wistfully.

" I never miss a thing," he grinned and reveled when she echoed his smile. He allowed himself to enjoy it for a few moments before he continued with his question "Was there something wrong with Reg's picture of home ?"

He watched as Kathryn's smiled faded a little.

" Just brought back some old memories, that's all," she dismissed his concern with a gentle shake of her head.

But before he could take the subject further, Tuvok sought safe haven from the celebratory atmosphere with the command team. Chakotay nodded welcomingly to the Vulcan and wondered if he would get another chance to take the subject up with Kathryn again.

* * *

It was strange how many different directions your day could take, Chakotay thought as he assembled in the mess hall with the other senior staff. He knew why Kathryn had called the meeting here. It was embarrassing enough for the EMH that everyone had slammed the first draft of his holo-novel. She had thought it would have seemed unduly cruel to have to make him offer up his apologies in the briefing room. It made it look formal, when really the defamation of character that they were all slightly feeling was really a personal thing.

Chakotay was about to perch in the corner when Kathryn caught his eye, nodding ever so slightly with her head to the vacant seat beside her. Smiling he drifted over to sit beside her on the couch. She raised her eyebrows, rolled her eyes and gave him one of those looks that said " this is going to be good ". Chakotay couldn't him but chuckle, drawing a few brief looks, as he shrugged back to her. Kathryn had always been tolerant of the EMH and his evolution as a life form. Chakotay himself had helped the Doc on endless occasions so he had been more than a little upset when he had discovered that the Doctor had painted him as a mindless, thuggish lap dog to a tyrannical captain. Actually, considering how he had painted Kathryn, he was actually rather surprised the EMH was still walking and talking and not decompiled somewhere. Taking the mug of tea Kathryn offered him, he sat back and began to listen.

Kathryn was actually quite proud that the Doctor didn't back track on his principals. He still intended to write his story, he announced to them all, his devotion to the EMHs all but abandoned back home was truly palpable. He had however been in contact with his publisher and brokered a little extra time for some re-writes.

" We're all grateful that you're taking our feelings into account," Kathryn noted as she stood to call the meeting to an end.

" So how long do you expect the revisions will take? " Chakotay asked.

" Art can't be rushed," the EMH added self importantly. His humiliation, it seemed, was short lived.

Chakotay had gotten as good at reading Kathryn's emotions and feelings as she had gotten at reading his. The one up he had on her, was that he had learned to read her feelings even when her back was turned to him. He recognised the body language of a barely restrained death glare aimed in his direction when he saw it. Not wanting to burst their fledgling bubble of their communication and reconciliation, Chakotay relented, backing off on the grilling of the EMH that it seemed had rankled watched as Kathryn walked away from him, without a second glance in his direction.

Kathryn knew Chakotay had got the message. Inwardly she smiled at the small victory.

"Take your time, Doctor," she added for effect as she breezed past the EMH.

His chest puffed out, the Doctor watched his friends leave.

* * *

Chakotay considered whether or not he needed another cup of tea before he headed back to the bridge. It might be wise, he thought, to let Kathryn savor her victory against him for a little while before he resurfaced. He reached for the pot and watched absently as the golden liquid poured forth.

" Do you believe that the Doctor will make more flattering representations this time ?"

Chakotay turned to grin widely at Seven again. He'd noticed lately that they had a tendency to meet around the coffee pot, which was ironic considering Seven hated the stuff. He made a mental note to invite her to meet up someplace else sometime.

" I hope so," he finally responded." But I don't see why you were bothered. The doctor's representation of you was quite positive."

Seven raised an incredulous eyebrow.

" His representations of me were always whimpering, spineless facsimiles," Seven noted harshly," there was nothing flattering about them. And as for Mr Paris' version…."

Chakotay grinned. He had to admit that there was nothing really appealing about three air-headed triplet drones.

" I see your point," he agreed," but at least you didn't slap people about for a living with a face that looks like Naomi colored it in."

Seven very nearly laughed at that.

" Touche," she grinned." But I'm sure the Doctor does not really see you in such a light. You are everything that character was not. You are kind, gentle, thoughtful. A man of peace."

Chakotay thought that he might actually blush.

" Thank you Seven," he smiled, " but at the very least the Doctor got your personality traits right first off."

He had heard from Tom that Seven was the only morally viable character in the story. She had stood up for the Doctor when he was threatened with extinction.

" I think the Doctor sees me through rose tinted glasses, as you would say," Seven sighed.

Chakotay sipped his tea, watching her over the rim of the mug. Seven did seem uncomfortable being the only beacon of morality in the sea of otherwise sordid characters.

" I think he's rather fond of you," Chakotay noted.

It was kind of obvious to everyone else, all though it would have mortified the EMH to think that everyone was so aware of it.

" I believe you may be correct," Seven replied uncomfortably," But I do not think he is, as Mr Paris would say, my type."

Chakotay chuckled as he refilled his tea and poured a mug of Almost-As-Good-As-Coffee to take back as a peace offering to Kathryn.

" So what is your type?" he teased gently, allowing for the fact that Seven wasn't as used to his sense of humour as Kathryn was.

Seven smiled at his playfulness and considered what would be an appropriate response. She wanted to ensure that she did not seem too remote, but also that she didn't come across as anything like the pathetic version of herself Mr Paris had conjured up. Hmmm….. Tom Paris…..

Seven looked up and smiled at Chakotay, something he had never seen her do before.

" As Mr Paris is fond of saying," Seven began, thinking back to something she had over heard him saying to B'Elanna when they had first begun their affiliation," that is for me to know and you to find out."

Chakotay broke into uncontrolled laughter and nodded defeat. Chuckling to himself he told her they would catch up later, and buoyed by some not unpleasant images, he carefully tried to take the two mugs back to the bridge without spilling any all over the deck between his chuckles.

As Chakotay left the Doctor turned from where he had sat unobserved on the couch and watched as Seven left through the opposite door. His heart, if he had one, would have been heavy with sadness. He had thought Seven would have been pleased with his representation of her. Although he would still strenuously deny that any of the characters were based on any member of the crew, he had to admit that the kindness that Seven had shown him had been a major factor in the design of the protagonist's ally. Seven had never judged him, she had never, as others had been prone to do at times, thought of him as just a piece of technology. She was one of only a few that agreed to spend any social time with him, and he had thought that she had enjoyed their time together as much as he had. It seemed that, watching Seven with Chakotay, the feelings he had thought gone when she had discontinued her Chakotay romance holo-programme, were actually flourishing and transferring to the real thing. What bothered him was that it seemed to him that the Commander reciprocated.

* * *

It turned out that in the grand scheme of things, the Doctor's publisher, Mr Broht, didn't share the Doctor's optimism over the character re-writes. Broht wasn't a fool, Janeway thought as she listened to Tuvok, Tom and the Doctor hash out another round of defense tactics. The man knew that there was money to be made from the idea that any of the Doctor's characters or storylines were based on real people and real events. He knew that any re-writes that the Doctor made to the characters to make them seem less like living indivduals was likely to result in a severe depletion in his profit base. Kathryn knew for a fact that there was a reason sensationalist tabloids existed. It was because there were always more fools prepared to believe, in and pay for idle gossip than there was a thinking human being prepared to search for the truth.

The day had been a long one. She was tired beyond belief and she had never been so angry and frustrated with Federation bureaucracy. She had thought about catching up with Chakotay, perhaps having dinner. She thought about his question about why Earth had given her such a pained look and she considered asking him. She reached for her padd as the men continued to debate betweent themselves and paged Chakotay with an offer of dinner. She hoped desperately that he would be free. He was the only person she had come across in her entire life who could successfullt rescue her from the onset of depression. She thought of all those times he had done it years ago when they were stranded on New Earth.

The padd flashed a message back. _Sorry, got the night shift so that you can have Tom there with you. Raincheck ? Please ?_

But before Kathryn could sigh heavily at her sunken heart, before she even page him back to assuage the sense of regret in his words, she realised that the Doctor was addressing her.

" Captain, it's the crew's reputations that are as risk," the doctor stressed.

Janeway looked up suddenly, realising that although she had been only half listening to the conversation, she had completely zoned out as she paged Chakotay. Dredging together what she remembered overhearing the two of them say, something regarding the reputations of the crew involved, she formulated a quick respsonce.

" I'm not so sure," Janeway said quietly as she looked from Tuvok to the Doctor," I think it's your reputation that's on the line here. You have the same rights as every other member of this crew and I'm not going to let this publisher say otherwise."

The meeting was adjourned as the new tactics were decided upon. Tuvok stood, collecting up his padds as he did so.

" In that case, I shall plan my case accordingly," he noted and with a polite nod to the captain, he excused himself from the briefing room.

Tom smiled faintly in the Doctor's direction before he too left the briefing room.

The doors whispered shut again. Janeway looked at the doctor.

" Don't worry Doctor," she reassured him, " I have complete faith in Tuvok's ability to win this case."

The EMH nodded blankly.

" You do want to win, don't you Doctor?" she asked.

The EMH shrugged his shoulders. His world had been rattled a little since he had heard Seven and Commander Chakotay in the mess hall, and then Arlen Broht had slapped an injunction on him. It felt like everything that he had believed in was falling apart.

" I suppose I do," he muttered, and when Janeway raised a questioning eyebrow in his direction, he seemed to sit up a little straighter as he spoke to her." Its not that I'm not grateful captain, I am, truly. Its just that this episode with Mr Broht has just reminded me all the more why I wrote the book in the first place."

" Enlighten me," Janeway half chuckled," I must admit I'm a little curious as to why you would want to lampoon those nearest to you. You have some very dear friends among those people you demonized. I thought they would have deserved a little more of your respect."

She was starting to feel the hostile feelings that she usually got when she was depressed. Hostility that Chakotay normally soothed away, she realised.

" See that's exactly what I tried to get through to Mr Paris before he massacred my manuscript," the Doctor sighed in frustration," These characters are nothing like my friends aboard Voyager."

" Well you could have fooled me," Janeway replied.

" They are representations of the various facets and foibles of humanity. They are reflections of the kind of emotions that I see directed at me. They are intended to enlighten the reader on the human condition in relation to the photonic one," the Doctor noted," but its more than that. This story is also my thoughts on how I view Voyager. How I see my home."

" You see Voyager as a prison ?" Janeway asked.

" No, just the opposite. The holo-emitter is the prison. Voyager is like a great unknown. A proper life aboard Voyager is the ultimate dream."

" Life aboard Voyager is no dream," the captain snorted derisively, thinking over all the hard times they had had on this ship and the good people who were no longer here to enjoy its existence.

" To me it is," the EMH replied emphatically, " At least, it's the representation of a dream. I didn't pick it lightly when I chose to set my story here. It is, after all, where I was born. It was the most real gesture I thought I could make."

He sighed a little, watched as the captain seemed lost away in thought. She stared out of the briefing room window, leaning against the support strut and crossing her arms. She looked very small today. She felt very small today.

" Then what with Mr Paris trashing everything that I did and Broht telling me I had not rights to discern my future, well it struck a note," the Doctor continued,"It seems that my entire seven years on this ship has been for nothing. I mean no more now to Starfleet than any plasma vent degauser. It is like my life has never meant a thing, all that I have done is for nothing. Its like humanity just wants to disinvest me of something I was proud off and mutate it into a fallousy. All that I have achieved is likely to be thrown to the four winds when I get home, purely because my brain is photonic instead of organic. I some times wonder why I bother to continue to exist with so little purpose. To me It's like my whole life has been some other persons bad dream."

" Tom was merely trying to teach you a lesson on the fickle nature of humanity, Doctor," Janeway countered, not bothering to look away from her examination of the stars." I'm sure he had no malicious intentions. And this ship has been and will always be your home, Doctor. No matter what this quadrant throws at us."

" You simply don't understand, " the doctor noted, his brown furrowing in that usual way he had when he grew frustrated with the limited awareness of non-photonics.

" Oh I think, you'd be surprised, Doctor," Janeway sighed as she reached for her coffee cup.

"Might I ask when you recently had your world ripped out from under you ?" he asked. He had meant it to be a polite enquiry, but as usual it came out sounding mildly sarcastic.

" Funnily enough not that long ago," Janeway sighed into the blackness the other side of the viewport, her thoughts drifitng back over her less than joyful recent past.

* * *

**_Please click Next Chapter for the End of this segment as the website keeps chopping off the end of the story ! In two parts so you can actually get it all - messes up my system a little, but you know what they say; when in the collective...adapt !_**


	5. Chapter 5

**_DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount._**

**_AUTHOR: Riverhawk_**

**_NOTES: Episode Add on For Author Author - Part 2 (two parts due to web site chop off !)_**

**_.._**

**_Part 4 - PHYSICIAN HEAL THYSELF - Part 2_**

"Might I ask when you recently had your world ripped out from under you ?" he asked. He had meant it to be a polite enquiry, but as usual it came out sounding mildly sarcastic.

" Funnily enough not that long ago," Janeway sighed into the blackness the other side of the viewport, her thoughts drifitng back over her less than joyful recent past.

She turned slowly to reach for her coffee cup. Without looking up she followed the swells and dips the coffee made as she gently circled it around in her cup. She watched the bright flashes of reflected light stand out against the dark background. She thought about telling the EMH all that was really getting to her at the moment but decided that it was probably not a good time, and the Doctor was not likely to make a great confidante, prone as he was to interrupting with comments on the state of her health. But she owed him something.

" There comes a time doctor when you think that you have everything just right in your life. You have a nice home, good neighbors. Your job gets you down on occasion but on the whole its better than you could have wished for. You get to go out once in a while and let your hair down, make a couple of nice, close friends. And everything seems perfect.

Then one day you wake up and realize all of that was all a bad dream. What you truly have is better. Your real life neighbors actually invite you to dinner instead of just sitting with you for meals. Your real job is actually quite fulfilling and carries a lot more importance to a lot more people. You find that people look forward to seeing you when you turn up at a bar for a drink. You find out that your apartment has a much nicer view than the one in the dream, mostly because you have someone to share it with. Someone who chose you for who you are, not what you are. Someone who doesn't care that you burnt dinner to a crisp.

Then, the next day, you're woken up by a friendly face saying that its all been a bad dream. That you're home safe. That your among friends. But you can't find your friends and your home is a grey box with a spectacular view to share with no one. Now you tell me, Doctor, which one was the real bad dream."

Janeway sipped her coffee again.

" You see Doctor, I know very well what its like to have something you've invested yourself in taken away from you. To have something you were proud of mutated into a lie."

The doctor stared at her blankly. The captain merely sighed. The sudden changed in her mood worried the physician in him. He wondered what he could have said that had triggered such an attack of melancholy

" I'll have a word with Mr Paris tomorrow. I promise you he won't be amending any more of your book anytime soon." She placed a friendly hand on the Doctor's arm " and I promise that between Tuvok and I, we'll make sure this little world that you've come to love and be loved in will continue to exist"

" Thank you, Captain," the doctor smiled as he left the room.

He wandered down the auxiliary corridor to the lift slowly, feeling no real rush to do anything at the moment. He was feeling better, he knew that, but his own good feeling was being tempered by the fact that he knew there was someone who felt worse. He hadn't seen the captain that depressed in the last two or three years. But then he also knew that she and Chakotay had been fighting a lot lately, or so the scuttlebutt said. He was well aware that the Commander was her rock during tough times. He knew what it was like when Kes left and he no longer had a right hand that he could rely on without question and without the need to utter his troubles. Like Kes had always known how he was down, Chakotay had always sensed the downturn in Kathryn's mood. They had both seemed fine together the other day. Perhaps there was a problem between the both of them that went a little deeper than it appeared. Frankly, as fickle as humanoids were, he wouldn't have been surprised. He had given up trying to understand them years ago.

Wandering into sickbay the Doctor slumped resignedly into his chair and opened his terminal. He cued up the legal texts that Tuvok had given him and began to read, muttering slightly to himself that he was the only one he could rely on to see him through this now.

He had no Kes and he had no Seven. Though he would in time be proved wrong, he believed that in the here and now, he was alone in this.

And for the briefest moment, he finally understood the sunken look on the Captain's face as he had left her.

She was alone.

* * *

Kathryn Janeway sighed as she slumped into her chair. The day's deliberations with the Arbiter and Broht hadn't gone as swimmingly as they had hoped, but they had at least struck the first blow in a fight that Kathryn suspected was going to go on for a while. The Doctor's case for sentience was going to be a little more long winded a battle than the case of Commander Data, on whose case Tuvok was basing most of his argument. Data, however, had an ace up his sleeve where his case was concerned. He was unique. There were several thousand EMH Mark I's around the Alpha Quadrant. For all his superior social skills compared to Data, and for all the amazing scientific and techonological developments and procedures that he had pioneered, the Federation was prepared to merely accept that Broht wasn't able to publish his work without his permission. It wasn't a major victory but it was something.

Why then did she feel worse now than she had all week ? She had felt herself sliding downhill for a while, felt the same darkness that enveloped her when she became maudlin wrapping itself around her again. That was usually bad enough in itself, but this felt worse because she couldn't find anything to pin her moroseness on. She had felt it the most when she had looked at the image of Earth Reg had showed them all the other morning. She had expected to feel elated, to feel the a new surge of courage and impetus based on the fact that she could almost taste home. But she had felt hollow. She had hidden her numbness when she had spoken to Reg. She had hoped that perhaps it would just take her a while to fully grasp the reality of how close they really were right now.

But it had been a week. She had tried to focus on the Doctor's case, but it had all seemed so much effort. She had practically ignored his pleas for equality the other evening, instead starting to ramble on about her own lonliness. She didn't know where the rant had come from. It had just burst forth, The Doctor had mentioned having his security blanket of a world ripped from him and Kathryn has finally realised why she had been so devastated at the loss of her life on Quarra. It wasn't anything to do with losing Jaffen, as nice a man as he had been. It had been the loss of her one real escape from the lonliness of life as a Starship Captain. She loved every single member of her crew, called some her friends. But if she had her llife to live over again, she thought, she would have agreed with herself when she had asked Chakotay who would want such responsibility. Chakotay. Ever calm, ever dependable. She had hoped to spend time with Chakotay, because, despite how it annoyed the hell out of her sometimes, he had an unerring knack of getting to root of what ever was sticking in her craw. It was a pain in the ass at times, but she missed it. He had a special way of getting through to her, of helping her to come to terms with things.

The thing was that Chakotay was always busy, always asked her if they could raincheck. It felt like her right arm was missing, that only half of her was there at anyone time. It was a situation she had never approved of. She had always hated being dependant on anyone, but that was just what she had unwittingly gone and done.

And it suddenly struck Kathryn why she had felt so numb when she had seen Earth. Although he had been there, he was not in his usual place right behind her. She was used to his very close presence. Sometimes it had been a little closer than was perhaps appropriate, but she had always drawn strength from it. She was used to being able to just lean back against him and share something, sometimes professionally, sometimes personally. But he was always there, her rock. That morning she had stood before Owen and Reg and she had been alone.

Placing her head in her hands, Kathryn tried vainly to fight off the desperate lonliness that was threatening her. But she succeeded only in making her fingers damp as the tears threaded their way through the gaps in her fingers. She felt more than just the loss of her first officer, she felt the loss of her friend. And the loss of something...else.

The truth was, she finally admitted to herself, she wasn't overjoyed at seeing the images of Earth, because she had no reason to go back there. Everything she wanted was right here. Back that way lay difficulty and decisions. Back that way lay an uncertain road. And if she hadn't promised 150 people that she would get them home again, she would have turned tail and headed right back to New Earth by now. Home meant saying good bye to certain people, and she didn't think she could do that. Kathryn had a sudden realisation as she had heard everyone make their testimonies to the Arbiter about the importance of the Doctor to them, that several of things they said echoed true in her own life. It had hit home most surely when Seven had told the commission of how the Doctor had managed to preserve her humanity out here and Kathryn had realised that was what Chakotay, among other things, did for her. Chakotay was more than her first officer, he was her confidante, her concience. He was her best friend and her sounding board. He was closer to her than she had ever let any one get. He was strong, dependable, thoughtful and handsome. He cared. Kathryn realised that the only reason she had picked Jaffen as her lover, was that he reminded her in so many ways of Chakotay. And that she, despite all her efforts and parameters to the contrary, was in love with him.


	6. Chapter 6

**_DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount._**

**_AUTHOR: Riverhawk_**

**_NOTES: Episode Add on For Friendship One_**

**_THE FRIENDSHIP OF ONE_**

Kathryn Janeway entered the silence of her Ready Room and stopped briefly to savor it. It felt as good to her now as coffee. It was running a close race to better than coffee.

There were many good things about being that much closer to home. There were letters from Earth at a more regular rate. There was even the chance to physically call home.

Kathryn had had to wait 'til almost the end of the queue for her chance to call home, but it had been a call she had needed to make more than she thought she had.

She had been nervous at first, wondering what she was going to say to her after all this time. She had made it almost all the way to the Astrometrics lab before her courage had failed her. Her, for heaven's sake!. She, Captain Kathryn Janeway, scourge of the Borg, had turned about face and gone about a dozen paces back down the corridor she had just travelled before she had found Chakotay patiently leant against the wall beside the lift.

" Oh no you don't," he chuckled as he took her by the shoulders and turned her back in the direction of Astrometrics again.

" Oh Chakotay," she had wailed," Don't make me do this. I'm not ready for this."

Chakotay had chuckled again as he kept his palm pressed firmly against the space between her shoulder blades and gently pushed her down the corridor before him.

" Its your mother, Kathryn," he had smiled, faint amusement touching his face.

" Exactly," she protested.

" You've been looking forward to this for weeks," he noted, remembering how he had first hit upon this call to her mother in a bid to raise her out of another bout of depression. It had settled on her out of the blue during the Doctor's sentient rights trial. She had been surly and uncommunicative for a few days, before he had eventually taken the bull by the horns as it were and let himself into her quarters one evening. She'd yelled, he'd listened and this time it seemed to get through to her, though he seriously doubted that she was giving him the whole story. But that was Kathryn for you.

He had finally remembered her lottery chip when he had stopped by Astrometrics one evening to speak to Seven. Harry had been there speaking to his mother. Chakotay had a fair idea that Seven had squeezed him in as a thank you for encouraging her to talk to her aunt. Her sentimental side never ceased to amaze him when he considered the brusque exterior. He had decided to let her infraction go, because it had given him the idea he had needed to crack Kathryn's resolve. Despite everything though, he hadn't been able to persuade her to jump the queue. Now, during the wait, nerves had set in.

" You'll be fine," he soothed her as he guided her around the corner.

" Have you met my mother ?" she asked incredulously.

" I'm sure I'll love her if she's anything like you," he grinned.

Kathryn stopped dead and turned to face him. For a minute Chakotay thought she was going to hit him with another round of protests, but instead she reached out and laid her hand on his chest.

" Promise me you'll stay with me," she pleaded," I have no idea why this is scaring me but it is. I'd feel a whole lot better if I had some moral support."

Chakotay nodded silently.

" You'll be fine," he smiled," despite what you think, I know your mother will be proud of you."

" How'd you know what I was thinking about ?" she gaped.

" I know you," he grinned.

She looked up at him gratefully and gently rubbed his chest. Considering how much they had been at cross purposes the last few months, he found the gesture oddly personal. Odd it may be, but unpleasant it wasn't.

" Thank you," she smiled, and Chakotay took her hand to give it a gentle squeeze of understanding.

It took him by surprise when she suddenly withdrew her hand and slapped him hard on the arm.

" Ouch," he muttered aloud," what was that for ?"

" Charming your captain, mister," she laughed loudly.

She watched as his initial scowl disappeared beneath a badly manufactured look of innocence.

" I have no idea what your on about," he replied rubbing his arm.

" I'll have you know that frog marching the captain to make a comm call to her mother is not likely to get you a home cooked dinner," she noted, helping him rub some sensation back into his bruised arm.

" Thank God for small mercies," Chakotay prayed aloud with a laugh as he took hold of her shoulders and turned her again to face the direction of Astrometrics and gently pushed her forward.

Yes Kathryn thought as her mind drifted over the very pleasant conversation that she had had with her mother, there were some very good things about being almost with in reach of home.

* * *

But, as Kathryn savored the quiet of her Ready Room, she noted that there were also some inevitable downside to being within comm range. For one the paperwork had tripled, in triplicate, and was threatening to consume her desk. The second was just how much extra noise and hub bub that the extra bodies on the bridge created. Now that Starfleet wanted the i's dotted and the t's crossed properly, those little tasks that she had shaved down to the bare minimum came back to bite her with a vengeance. She had waited all day to escape to the sanctity of her office. Chakotay had given her a playfully evil look as she had handed the almost raucous bridge over to him. He, like her, had gotten used to it just being her, him, Tom, Tuvok and Harry, with the occasional visit by B'Elanna, Sam Wildman and Michael Ayala. All these interlopers in her family unit were giving her a headache.

Sinking gratefully onto the softness of her sofa, Kathryn leaned her head back and rolled it from side to side on her neck, as if releasing some of the tenseness. She had the sudden, unpleasant realization that she was getting old.

" Seven of Nine to the Captain," the comm beeped.

Reaching up wearily, Kathryn tapped her badge.

" Janeway here," she called back," Can this wait, Seven ?"

She was really hoping she could have just grabbed five minutes before she moved on to the next task in Starfleet's never ending list of things to do. She realized she was going to have a hard time fitting back into the way Starfleet worked. She had been doing too much her own way for a long time.

" I do not believe so," Seven announced over the comm," I have an Admiral Hendricks calling for you."

Hendricks, now there was a name she hadn't heard in a while. Pulling herself to her feet she straightened her uniform as she headed to the door.

" On my way," she sighed.

Yep it was definitely something new, marching to someone else's drum now.

* * *

Drums had carried all sorts of messages over the years. Often they had heralded the dawn of war. Today, Hendricks' drum ordered her on her first Starfleet away mission in seven years.

They were to seek out an old Earth probe and bring the data home.

" Sounds simple enough," Janeway commented to Chakotay as she sat beside him on the bridge and relayed her mission orders to him.

" Sounds it," he replied quietly.

Kathryn frowned a little at his quiet mood. It was strange to see him distracted. Normally she was the one to drift away with the fairies, as her mother would say.

" Come on, out with it. What's up?" she asked. " You usually love this stuff,"

Chakotay looked up from the console he had not really been reading. He knew that she had caught him daydreaming. Normally it wasn't his style; he usually saved that for the vision quest. But the recent communication with home had reminded him that his future when they got there wasn't all that certain. He had no doubt that Kathryn, despite the ups and downs in their friendship, would put up a good fight for him and his Maquis. But not for the first time lately he found himself wishing they wouldn't keep finding so many damn quick routes home.

" I'm sorry," he apologized, " I was just thinking about something. You're right, I know this stuff inside and out."

" In that case you can run the briefing," she grinned at him. She knew he hated briefings. There were days that he just wanted to get out their and explore. She knew exactly how he felt.

" Yes ma'am," he nodded, " Did they say how long this would take ?"

" Just a quick mission, a couple of days out of our way, that's all".

Chakotay nodded and made a conscious effort to bury his fears away. Turning to her, she could see the old twinkle relight in his eyes. She missed that.

" That's good," he grinned mischievously, as he stood," 'cos last time you went on a quick mission you got lost for seven years."

Janeway looked up at him, her mouth wide in a shocked grin as she tossed her padd at him.

" Oh you can talk," She countered back at him, much to Paris' amusement," Can you believe this Tom, from the man who can't manage to keep a damn shuttle in the air !"

Tom turned from his console with his hand raised in front of him surrendering.

" Keep me out of this one," Paris pleaded, nodding in the direction of Chakotay with his head," I've had enough of being his practice punch bag this year."

Chakotay grinned. It was true. He had made Paris his victim a lot this year, but the younger man had also earned his respect. They had forged a rather nice friendship, with a little help from B'Elanna

" Its not the keeping in the air I have problems with, " he announced, turning from Paris back to his friend," it's the keeping them in one piece I have issues with."

" I hope you're not going to blame my wife for that," Paris joined in adventurously.

" Hell no," the first officer smiled, " Not that brave."

He tossed Janeway's padd back to her. She had to admit, despite all the red tape and inane useless hoops Starfleet had her jump through, it felt good to have an honest to god mission again. Things were almost back to the good ole days, she thought.

" If you have quite finished," the unmistakable Borg tone asked, managing to deflate the air of calm amusement. Seven turned to Chakotay," You are late."

" Sorry," he sighed, his smile fading." I got caught up. Hover ball will have to wait."

Janeway thought that she saw Seven glower a little, but she seemed to push it away. She also saw the way Chakotay looked at the young Borg in her sports kit and she felt that sudden urge of being old again. She watched as Chakotay ushered the Borg to the turbolift

" I'll get Seven started on some scans and meet you in Astrometrics," Chakotay muttered to Kathryn as he passed.

When the turbolift doors were heard to swish safely shut, Kathryn heard Paris let out a snort.

" Get started on scans, huh," the Lieutenant chuckled," that's a new one. I'll try that on B'Elanna."

Janeway tried not to look too hastily in the direction of her helmsman. She had discovered over the years that if she sat quietly, the bridge crew were apt to chat and gossip as they would normally, sometimes even forgetting that she was there. She liked to listen now and then, finding it so much more interesting than hearing it second hand from Chakotay, even though he was a very good story teller.

" Tom !" Harry admonished from his station and Janeway reluctantly felt several pairs of eyes notice her sat there, trying to look busy in her padd.

Paris turned to note the captain, and with the appropriate level of squirm he offered a "sorry Captain."

" Quite all right, Mr Paris," Janeway noted, not looking up from her padd," I couldn't possibly guess what you were referring to."

With a grateful smile, touched with a hint of his usual playful boyishness, Paris turned back to focus his attention on his console. He silently counted himself lucky on that one. He knew better than anyone how his two commanding officers frowned upon the berating of the other.

As Janeway stepped from the Bridge to the turbolift and called for Deck 12, she felt a hollowness that she had not expected to feel when she thought of him. She had to admit that she thought of him a lot lately, and usually in a positive way. She had really come to treasure their re-found closeness. It seemed however that she had found it a little too late.

* * *

" The readings are coming from the northern subcontinent," Seven announced as she reviewed her findings for the senior officers.

" Can you localize them? " Kathryn asked, feeling slightly annoyed that their simple mission from Starfleet was turning out to be anything but.

" There are high levels of antimatter radiation in the atmosphere, scattering the probe's signature," Seven replied.

That piqued every one's attention. Kathryn exchanged silent dubious looks with her First Officer. Chakotay gave her one of his looks that said they should have expected a hiccup somewhere, that this was after all Voyager. Smothering his smile at her with a purse of his lips, he returned his attention to the screen.

" Any life signs? " he asked.

" None. "

Seven looked from her screen to Chakotay and Janeway watched as her XO looked sidelong at her with a playful smile.

_Am I missing something ?_ Janeway asked herself.

She felt the heckles rising on the back of her neck. There was a time and a place, she thought. This wasn't it. She was tempted to ask them if they wanted her to come back in five minutes. Or if there was something they wanted to share with the rest of the class, but she thought better of it. She would be damned to hell twice over before she gave into her own jealousy. Standing up a little straighter, she turned to face her first officer.

"Assemble an away team and take the Flyer down for a closer look," she barked at him with as much professionalism as she could muster.

Before he could turn to answer his captain, she was gone. He stood staring at the space she had just occupied.

" The captain seems per-occupied today," Seven noted.

Chakotay drew his gaze away from where it admired the deck plating and looked at the ex-drone. He tried to smile gently, tried to think of her remarks as a comment rather than a criticism.

" Its out first Starfleet mission in a while," he noted defensively.

" Its your only Starfleet mission," Seven noted.

Chakotay couldn't help but laugh at her succinctness.

" All the more reason to get it right then," he grinned, and as she nodded agreement with his statement, he left astrometrics, reaching up for his combadge.

" Chakotay to Paris."

" Paris here," came the young helmsman's voice. Chakotay marveled at how Paris managed to sound guilty about something every time he answered the comm..

" I need someone who can keep the flyer in the air," he teased the helmsman," fancy a change from flying in straight lines ?"

" You bet,"

" Report to sickbay and get inoculated, then begin preflights," Chakotay ordered.

" Aye commander," his friend answered.

" Chakotay out."

* * *

That was about the last thing that had gone right, Chakotay thought as he recapped the downturn in their mission for the Captain a few hours later.

"We still can't contact the others or get a fix on their life signs," Chakotay offered as they walked.

He could tell Kathryn was angry. It has always amazed him that someone so small could walk so fast when her dander was up. He picked up his trot to keep in stride with her.

" Why didn't we detect the aliens? " she demanded angrily. He couldn't blame her considering three of her crewman were now being held hostage on the planet beneath.

Chakotay thought about asking her why she was taking this out on him, but thought better of it. She tended to fight a little below the belt when she was angry and he dreaded what she might come out with to counter his accusations. They had, after all, just managed to start talking again.

" I don't know. Whoever they are, they have antimatter weapons," he replied neutrally.

" Antimatter? " she barked back, her eyes flaring with anger.

Before he could answer, Tuvok thankfully called down to her. Boosted by a chance to actually talk to the people who now held three of her crew hostage, Kathryn took off again at a march, this time headed for the bridge. With a sigh Chakotay sped off to catch up with her.

* * *

" Our ancestors sent it three hundred years ago to make contact with other species," Chakotay offered up the explanation of the Friendship One probe, hoping to mollify the man they now harbored in their sick bay.

But it had been an explanation that seemed to fall on deaf ears as their guest found reason after reason to be skeptical of Voyager's presence in orbit.

Chakotay wasn't an idiot by an means, but it still surprised him that anyone could think that their probe had been a way to subdue the local population before they invaded it.

" I think I'm getting old," he snorted at Seven as she prepared a nano-probe treatment for Otrin.

Seven turned to look at Chakotay. He was leant against the nearest bulkhead, his arms crossed over his chest, seemingly intent on his boots again.

" Explain," she demanded.

" I didn't even see that ambush coming, " he lamented, still not bothering to look up from his examination of his shoes.

" You are prone to trusting those individuals who have not yet earned it," Seven noted.

" Gee thanks, Seven," he groaned good naturedly, but he found his spirits sinking a little further.

" You trusted Ensign Seska, yet she turned out to be a Cardassian spy," Seven noted dispassionately," Then you trusted Valerie Archer, she turned out to be species 8472,"

" I never said I trusted her," Chakotay looked up and added in his own defense, briefly wondering why he was indulging Seven in her character assassination of him.

" Duly noted," Seven continued without missing a beat," then there was Dr Riley Frasier. You trusted her and she turned out to be Borg. She used you to reactivate the neuro-electric generator on a cube."

" Yep," Chakotay added, beginning to grin mischievously as he added," what is it with me and Borg women ?"

Seven smiled and nodded defeat. She enjoyed the verbal bantering that she shared with the Commander. She often only got to chat with the Doctor. The last few months had been interesting in more ways than one as she had gotten to know the Commander.

" The treatment cycle is ready," she observed as she charged the hypospray with the modified probes.

" After you then," Chakotay replied, gesturing with his hand for her to precede him.

* * *

Kathryn had sternly ordered Chakotay to her Ready Room. If he thought her face was like thunder before the murder of Joe Carey, words failed to capture her mood now. They had all hoped that they would luck out again, come sailing through unscathed. They hadn't gotten that lucky and the closer to home that they got, the blow of such a loss had only gotten harder.

She didn't say anything about Joe, but he could see the grief barely restrained behind her eyes. Keeping his own feelings to himself, he readily launched into rescue plans with her.

What neither of them said aloud was the fact that two of the people they least could afford to lose, both personally and professionally, were still stuck on the planet below. That thought alone was enough to make them both feel twice as guilty over Joe's death.

" Bring them back, Chakotay," she called out to him as he prepared to leave.

Her voice was low and shrouded in a half dozen conflicting emotions, to the point that it sounded more dangerous than at any time he had ever known her. She had never sounded so angry before, not even when they had argued over alliances with the Borg or her less than reputable treatment of Noah Lessing during the Equinox fiasco.

" I will," he promised sincerely.

Kathryn turned to look at him, her normally brilliant blue eyes dark and hooded. They perhaps reflected the very little sleep that she had gotten since Starfleet had foisted this mission on them. She thought about telling him to look out for himself too, but that would have required a dropping of some of her self imposed emotional barriers, and she didn't trust herself to do that. Instead she simply nodded and he left. Part of her was glad when he left and she no longer needed to put on such a damn show, she thought, but there was part of her that yearned for her friend of old, the man who would have seen her despair and given her a hug.

" Oh grow up Kathryn," she chastised herself, thinking suddenly of Joe Carey never being able to hug his wife and sons, of Paris who may never have the chance again with B'Elanna if Chakotay and Tuvok didn't manage to pull this off.

Kathryn Janeway had lost people in the past. Good people. Some, like Kes, had been very close to her. Others like Hogan and Kaplan and all of the others had been well known trusted faces. But this felt different, she thought. They all had thought the same. Somehow the closeness of home now made the jeopardy Tom and Neelix were in so much more significant. They were her family now, she admitted to herself. Tom was like a brother to her, although she damn well wouldn't let him know that. They had the same up-bringing, children of admirals, the ultimate Starfleet brats. He had a way of talking to her in Starfleet speak and getting through to her where Chakotay failed with English.

Neelix, despite regularly trying to poison her with his cooking, reminded her of her Uncle George. He was the one person aboard ship with more homilies and stories than Chakotay. But where Chakotay's stories had always appealed to her greater morals, Neelix's Uncle George like tales always carried some homely practical guidance.

She just couldn't afford to lose the two of them on so many levels.

Kathryn ordered an extra strong blend of coffee, successfully raiding Chakotay's replicator account when the computer informed her she was out of rations. The man still insisted on paging her with his password changes so she could help herself. It was his way of supporting her, though she had never indulged until now. She caught sight of her reflection in the view port, and noticed the sunken dark eyes that had caught Chakotay's attention earlier.

_No wonder he was scouting around Deck 12_, she mused to herself, _I'm getting old._

* * *

For all her self indulgence and her desperation to get her friends home, the cold reality of life after the incident had made Kathryn reflect differently on the situation. Now, instead of feeling guilty over her desperation to get her two friends home, she felt guilty over the one she had not gotten home, the one who had served her without half as much trouble as her two friends.

Janeway would have gladly gotten old she thought several days later, if it had meant that Joe Carey was still alive. She had met very few people as honest and open as Carey. He and B'Elanna had fought like hell when she had first come aboard, and more than one nose had born the brunt of it. Joe had fought hard against his personal pride to take the second man position, he was after all more than worthy of the top spot. But even he had acknowledged later that B'Elanna's robust view of a problem was better suited to the life that they led. He had supported her unfailingly since. Kathryn had not envied B'Elanna when they had heard that Joe, Neelix and Tom were being held hostage. She had stood the greatest chance of pain, the potential loss of one of her closest friends or the loss of her husband.

After the memorial Kathryn had tried to settle down with a book, but the words seemed far off, and might as well have been in ancient Bajoran for all she was taking it in. She had found herself thinking off all those she had lost along the way. Although the deaths of each and everyone of them had bothered her, there was something different about Joe's death today. Perhaps it was because they were closer to home, and she not only thought now of what she and her family aboard Voyager had lost, but what the families at home had now also lost.

She hadn't really noticed that she had abandoned her coffee and her book and wandered from her quarters until she had found her self standing out side Joe Carey's. The door was secured open and she could make out a familiar shadow moving inside.

" Chakotay ?" she half announced, half asked as she slipped between the open doors.

Chakotay re-appeared from Joe's bedroom carrying a box. He looked over at her with a gentle smile, but saw only confusion in her eyes as she eyed his box.

" B'Elanna's taken this a little hard, " he almost whispered by way of explanation," I didn't think she could do this."

Janeway walked over to where he stood. It was like looking into a mirror and seeing herself, Kathryn thought. He too had deep black rings around his eyes. His already deep brown eyes looked blacker with exhaustion and she suspected that as a deep and spiritual man, Chakotay had no qualms at shedding a tear at the futility of Joe's death.

Kathryn couldn't help but feel pride at his helping his friend. She remembered asking him years ago to make sure that he was the one who packed up her things if anything had ever happened to her. She had made him promise to get her ship home, get her stuff back to her mother, minus the things he wanted to keep for himself, and then to get the hell on with his life.

In return she had promised him to get his possessions back to his sister and to tell her the truth about his life and she had promised him that she would live for the now instead of waiting for a future that might never happen. The significance of those deals years ago seemed to really hit them both now as they stared at the box Chakotay held.

" Need a hand ?" she asked reverently, as if Joe were actually in the room.

He nodded silently and handed her the box. They had carefully wrapped the many, many pictures of Joe's sons. It seemed that after they had gotten in contact with home, Joe's wife had sent the entire family album of pictures to show Joe all those moments he had missed over the years. As they moved around the room, Kathryn and Chakotay watched the lives of two little boys pass with them. From kindergarten to grade school to the first years of high school, they smiled at the two boys growing from toddlers to young men, by way of eagle scouts, summer camping trips and a few dozen other activities that Joe's wife had taken the boys on in his absence. She had come so close to getting him back that it almost hurt, Chakotay thought.

" Impressive, isn't it? " Chakotay muttered as both he had Kathryn caught sight of the miniature Voyager in a bottle that Joe had been working on in the evenings.

" The detail's amazing. " Kathryn noted, in awe of the ever so small scale the replica was constructed in so carefully.

" Carey spent months working on it. He used to joke that he wouldn't be finished by the time we got back to Earth. "

Janeway bit her lip hard to force back the tears that welled up.

" He only had one nacelle to go," Kathryn noted painfully.

Chakotay didn't seem to have her resolve, and he turned away from the little ship in a bottle. After a minute of delicately laying Joe's thing's into the box, he turned back to face Kathryn.

" We were able to download the probe's memory core. We'll transmit the telemetry in the next data stream," he noted absently.

Janeway nodded, but she continued to stare at the little ship for a long time. Chakotay guessed that some where deep down inside her she was debating whether there was some kind of greater plan in all these deaths. Part of her hoped there was, for then the deaths would have some meaning.

" I think about our ancestors. Thousands of years wondering if they were alone in the universe, finally discovering they weren't. You can't blame them for wanting to reach out, see how many other species were out there asking the same questions," she wondered aloud.

Chakotay watched her trying to rationalize the actions of the survivors on the planet below against those of her crew. It was likely to be yet another debate that would eat her up. Drawing up close to her to provide her some comfort, he thought about her words.

"The urge to explore is pretty powerful," he offered her.

" But it can't justify the loss of lives, whether it's millions or just one," she noted back. She looked at him purposefully, hoping that he got the message she was trying to convey.

They continued to look at each other, seeming to say a thousand words with out speaking one. Chakotay was the one to finally break away. He leaned over and placed the little ship in the box, before he reached out for Kathryn's hand. She felt his hand envelope hers, felt the gentle squeeze of reassurance.

" Remind me one day never to be such a pain in the ass to you," she offered him gently, taking his hand and wrapping it across her shoulders.

" Done," he agreed as her arm slid round his waist and the slowly began their walk home.

" You're the closest friend I ever had," she noted as they rounded the corner, still locked together.

" I know, " he smiled, " you too."

" We should really make an effort to stop falling out with each other," she added.

" Agreed."

Chakotay nudged the call button for the turbolift with the corner of his box, not wishing to burst the bubble of supreme peace that he felt right now. As they waited he looked down at her, going over her words in his head.

" As friends, we should be there for each other no matter what," Kathryn continued, but there was something in her tone that made him look questioningly at her out of the corner of his eye, a smothered smile on his lips.

" Okay, what did you do ?" he demanded

" I used all your replicator rations," she burst forth instantly, relief in her voice.

Chakotay couldn't help but smile.

" All my rations ?" he echoed with a grin.

" Yep. I was having a bad day,"

" Kathryn, I had enough replicator rations to sink a battleship with coffee."

" Well lets just say that it's a good thing you like Neelix's cooking," Kathryn teased gently as the pair threaded through the doors and into the turbolift car, arms still locked around each other.

Chakotay chuckled and called for Deck 3. They travelled in silence, enjoying each other's company. Finally they reached her quarters and Kathryn slowly unthreaded herself from Chakotay's arm, feeling a little sadness begin to rise up at the loss of the warmth of him.

" Your not mad ?" Kathryn finally asked. In truth his silence had worried her a little.

But she knew him well, as he did her.

" No," Chakotay laughed, briefly leaning down to place a kiss upon Kathryn's hair," that's what friends are for."


	7. Chapter 7

**_DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount._**

**_AUTHOR: Riverhawk_**

**_NOTES: Episode Add on For Natural Law_**

**_But To See The Wood For The Trees_**

" Beautiful, isn't it? "Chakotay noted.

" A sensor analysis would have provided the necessary information," Seven replied.

" Just admiring the view," he replied distractedly.

Considering Seven's emerging interest in the humanity that had surrounded her for the last three years, he had expected a little more interest.

" The conference begins in less than an hour," Seven continued dispassionately and with a hint of annoyance.

" There's always time for Warp Field Dynamics, but you don't see natural beauty like this every day," Chakotay persisted.

He wasn't entirely sure that he was getting through to her. She continued to play the console with typical Borg efficiency. It was a shame, Chakotay thought, because the view really was amazing. But he was never one to push anyone to do something they didn't want to

Seven watched him sigh gently and return his gaze to the treetops below. The scene was indeed beautiful. Such a verdant array of green was a rare colour indeed aboard ship. Seven even found it calming. But like her mentor, Seven was stubborn. She planned to give it a minute before she actually gave in and looked. It wasn't as if she were adverse to the scene, she had flown the shuttle here for him after all. She had, however, found that the Commander was a man who appreciated a slower approach to things. Somehow, blind adulation didn't seem to be what the Commander was after. As her litany to him the other week had shown, his past love affairs often involved very independent women.

Before Seven could enact her plan, the shuttle shook violently, a continuous shimmy vibrating the ship.

" What was that? " Chakotay demanded, all thoughts of the forest below gone.

He worked the panel in front of him as Seven analysed the area below them, but he only saw one system after another begin to fail. He tried to raise shields but they only seemed to exasperate the situation, forcing the warp core offline. He knew Seven was attempting to stay one step ahead of the cascade, her hands hitting commands and rerouting systems with practiced ease. He looked at her briefly as if to ask for a report, but she only shook her head ever so slightly as she returned his gaze. It told him all that he needed to know.

" Warning. Structural failure in thirty seconds," the computer announced evenly. It made there imminent destruction sound common place.

It seems to be getting as used to me crashing as I am, he thought to himself. He ordered Seven to transport, and after rectifying that impossibility with a phaser realignment, they disappeared in a shimmer of familiar blue light. They landed unceremoniously on the forest floor and watched as the ship spiralled into an explosion.

B'Elanna's going to kill me, he thought to himself as he watched the flaming shards fall down into the canopy.

* * *

Kathryn was having one of those days, whatever they were. She had been greeted by the oddest of messages this morning when she had woken.

_Kathryn_

_Going to Warp Field Dynamics conference with Seven. Should only be gone a couple of days. Will check in 19.00 hours. Have briefed Tuvok on all current matters. I've told him to keep and eye out for Paris. He's gone joyriding in the flyer looking for somewhere nice to take B'Elanna._

_Hope you have a nice shore leave._

_Chakotay_.

Nice shore leave, Kathryn cringed to herself. That was about as bland as the conversation could possibly get. Besides what shore leave was she going to get now with Chakotay gone. It wouldn't really be very fair of her to ask Tuvok to pick up _all _of Chakotay's shifts.

Actually his taking off had rather annoyed her, in more ways than one. Despite the fact that he had left her stuck with his night shifts on ship going nowhere, she had been planning to invite him to dinner that evening. They hadn't shared a meal together since…well it was longer than she could remember. She thought it must have been about that time that he had ordered B'Elanna to blow out the deflector array and then steadfastly refused to tell her why.

Regardless of when it had been, the fact was that between her depression and a myriad of other things that had cropped up, they had been forced one time after another to call a raincheck on their Thursday rituals. The recent death of Joe Carey had served as a short sharp shock to remind her that despite the disagreements that they might have had, there was nothing like a good friend. They stood by you, supported you and, when needed, they picked you up and put you back on your feet. Joe Carey had died for his friends. She had no doubt at all that Chakotay would have done the same for her, and she for him.

So why in the hell was he off galavanting around a warp dynamics conference with Seven, she thought. She knew her friend well, and warp dynamics were just not his thing.

That was when it had hit her. If he wasn't going for the entertainment, then he had to be there for the company. And that bothered her.

She was about to give herself a stern lecture on the fact that she had no right to be jealous or possessive given all the false hopes she had given him in the past, but her door chimed and pulled her from her thoughts.

" Come," she had called.

And in had wandered the other thorn in her side. Thomas Eugene Paris.

" You asked to see me, Captain ?" he tried with as innocent an expression as he could muster. He was good, Janeway thought, but she was better. She'd give him points for trying though.

With out her needing to speak a word, the whole conversation of how he had ended up in her office seemed to be exchanged in a few simple looks, and she noticed her helmsman slump visibly at the thought of what was to come.

" I can explain," he began.

Kathryn merely raised an eyebrow, Tom was doing so well interpreting for her, she thought she would let him run with it for a while.

" I was not speeding," he continued," despite what they say."

Kathryn merely inclined her head, another quizzical look on her face. She crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips a little, as if she were deciding whether or not to believe him. Tom not racing was like saying Tuvok wasn't logical.

" All right, maybe I was a little over the port authority mandate," Tom carried on, his guilt seemingly sending his vocal chords into overtime,"but it was nothing to write home about. ...So what have they landed me with."

Kathryn handed him the padd, grinning inwardly as he read over the specification of charges and the concomitant punishment. Saying nothing and watching her helmsman squirm was infinitely more amusing than she thought, and it beat the hell out of yelling at him.

" Piloting lessons! " he cried out.

Kathryn wasn't sure whether he was just in shock or whether the thought of someone actually teaching him to fly after all this time actually caused him pain, but it took everything she had to retain her command veneer. She wished that Chakotay were here. He would have found this priceless, a chance to finally get one up on the younger man.

" Apparently," she finally replied returning her attention to the matter at hand, Paris's bemoaning of his punishment," the standard penalty for your infraction is a three day course in flight safety, followed by a test."

" Well did you explain we wouldn't be here that long? " Paris retorted, only vaguely conscious that he was pushing the bounds of propriety as he addressed his captain.

Kathryn noted it, but she was having too much fun in an otherwise dull day to start reining Tom in.

" Actually, while you were completing your 'mission;" Kathryn replied, not wanting to give embarrass her officer with the truth that Chakotay had told her," Seven was invited to a four day conference".

She watched Paris wince. Tom thought he already knew the answer but desperation made him ask anyway.

"Here on Ledos ?"

Janeway nodded, a small smile of enjoyment touching the corner of her lips.

" I decided to give the entire crew shore leave," she announced " It'll give you plenty of time to brush up on your piloting skills".

She watched as she saw Tom's plans of a four day R and R with his wife beam themselves into space. Crossing his arms over his chest and sprouting a look of well honed sulky petulance, he turned to face his Captain.

"I don't need lessons !" he argued.

The look might have worked with his mother and father in the past, and it might even have worked with his wife now, but it didn't phase Kathryn. If she could build up an immunity to Chakotay's dimples, Paris' tricks were no threat at all. They did serve to brighten her miserable day though.

" Apparently the authorities disagree," she countered.

" But Captain…"

Janeway raised her hand to stop Paris mid word. She had given him enough leeway. Funtime was over. They were still, after all, Starfleet Officers.

" You may not have known the Ledosians' rules," she reminded Tom," but you know ours. Comply with local law. Understood? "

Tom Paris may have got away with murder with the captain, or so his wife and the first officer had told him over the years, but he also knew when he was beat, and he was getting the sense now that, as she had let him vent, the time for discussion was over. Unclasping his arms from across his chest, he brought himself up to his full height and snapped to attention.

" Yes, ma'am," he conceded and politely, he excused himself and left her office.

Okay there is at least one good side to all this, Paris thought as the left the bridge and headed for his quarters.

_At least I haven't told B'Elanna I was planning anything_, he thought, Bursting the illusions of pregnant Klingon wives was not something one did lightly if it could at all possibly be avoided.

Kathryn Janeway watched with more than a little grin as the door to her ready room hissed closed and she was once again alone. She had to admit that had been a lot more fun than she would have thought a lecture should be. She hadn't meant to play with Tom that much, although she had intended to make him squirm. But the conversation had taken on a life of its own.

Sighing heavily, she ordered another coffee.

* * *

Chakotay couldn't help but look around the scenery at him as Seven studied the remains of the wreckage.

"The relays are fused. It's useless," she announced.

"Looks like we're not the only ones here," Chakotay noted as he flipped open the tricorder.

" Indigenous wildlife perhaps ?" Seven argued, but even she was not convinced by her own words.

" I'm reading residual lifesigns," Chakotay offered. That alone was not unexpected. The sub-report on the life signs was however very unexpected," They're humanoid."

" Ledosian? Seven postulated, seeming not in the least surprised.

" No, but they share the same genetic traits. Whoever they are, they may be able to help us."

Seven understood why people tended to get carried away with their own enthusiasm. Ensign Kim had a particular proclivity for it. But she too was beginning to find the Commander's enthusiasm interesting.

" Unless they're hostile," Seven added.

Always the downside with her, Chakotay thought as he stood gingerly on his leg. He had no idea how he had manage to scrape that on the way in. Truth was he didn't want to think about it because he had an uncanny feeling that the reality was going to prove to him that it had been too close to call. He was pretty sure that a section of the exploding shuttle had nicked his leg before the pattern buffers had fully de-materialised him. Taking a deep patient breath, he looked back up at her with a smile.

" Why don't we give them the benefit of the doubt," he offered to her and this time Seven merely nodded her ascent. Relieved, Chakotay gestured the path they should take, " The lifesigns lead in that direction."

" I suggest you rest your leg while I investigate," Seven proffered.

Chakotay had hoped that she wouldn't see him wince. The pain wasn't really all that bad. He had most certainly had worse in his life, and probably would again, much to the EMH's annoyance no doubt. This time though the pain was just in a damn awkward place. It was just going to make their journey a little slow. Chakotay was touched by Seven's concern, though, even if he was certain that it was provoked more by Borg efiiciency than althruism.

" It's better is we stick together, at least until we know whether they're hostile," Chakotay replied, dismissing her idea.

Nodding her ascent Seven led the way. She was pleased that she was not forced to leave him behind, although efficiency had made her offer it as a logical course of action. After all she was the one who had invited Chakotay on this trip, and she was the one who had decided to act upon his suggestion that they swing by the forest to look at the scenery. It was just unfortunate that she seemed to have transported the curse Tom Paris believed the Commander carried with him where shuttles were concerned.

" Well," Chakotay chuckled to himself as he hobbled along behind her," this was little more of the forest than I originally planned to see."

Seven turned to look at him, saw the gentle smile that spread over his face and the playfulness in his eyes as he teased. It seemed Chakotay was not the sort to hold grudges. Returning his grin, Seven continued down the trail.

* * *

When the walls seemed to grow faces and start talking to her, Kathryn decided there was every chance that she had had too much coffee. She tossed the padd onto the desk, not feeling too guilty about it as considered the author. Had it been something Harry had slaved over til the wee hours of the morning, she might have asked her conscience to have another go at reading it. But it was one of Tuvok's and he turned out those things in his sleep.

Massaging the bridge of her nose, Kathryn decided that it was probably time that she took some R and R. Damn that Chakotay, she thought as she wearily stood and stretched her aching joints. That made two things that he had missed. Tom Paris squirming for all he was worth and Kathryn Janeway voluntarily taking the day off. He was going to be sorry that he had decided to bore himself rigid at that conference. With a slightly evil chuckle, Kathryn turned over the bridge to Tuvok and headed for her quarters.

* * *

As Chakotay pulled himself up to the ridge and look down on the clearing below him, he felt his heart soar. Below him was an anthropologists dream. The terracotta skinned people milled about their everyday routine. They cultivated and they cooked. Chakotay watched as the women and children worked on an intricate beadwork pattern. Another one, Chakotay noted, was busy putting the finishing touches to a blanket. All in all he found the first sight of their culture exhilarating. But it wasn't exactly what he was looking for.

" I'm guessing they're pre-warp," Chakotay muttered his voice laced with irony.

Seven looked at him a tad admonishingly. He couldn't help but smile.

" Obviously they can't help us," she continued, trying to avoid echoing his smile,

" No, I don't suppose they can, but they're fascinating, aren't they? I never expected to run into people like these on such a technologically advanced planet," Chakotay said, returning his attention again to the scene below him.

" This isn't an anthropological mission, Commander," Seven reminded him.

Chakotay sighed. He wished that Seven would see the uniqueness of the situation here. This was a truly amazing find given the environs it had been found amidst. It was like going back home and finding a tribe of Iroquois or Sioux in the Appalachians or the Great Plains, perfectly preserved in their original infrastructure, un-touched by invading cultures.

Chakotay thought back to that day when he was a child, when his father had pushed, talked and cajoled him through the Central American rainforest. Chakotay had hated every minute of the trip. But he had remembered the look of sheer joy on his father's face at the discovery he had made. He understood now, looking down on the culture below him, just how his father had felt. He wished Seven would understand just what this meant to him. He wished she would share in his wonderment and fascination. Kathryn would have understood.

" You're right. We should keep searching for debris," Chakotay answered resignedly shaking off that thought, and pushing himself off the ground. He felt the muscle in his leg seer in pain and give out under him.

" You're developing an infection," Seven noted as she scanned his leg with the tricorder, her forehead furrowing in concern. Closing the tricorder, she looked across at him sympathetically." You should rest".

Chakotay didn't like the idea. Seven wasn't as adept at manouvering in the jungle as he was. But they weren't going to get out of here anytime soon if he insisted on hobbling round the jungle with her.

" I'll have to stay here and try to keep out of sight," Chakotay agreed as he lowered himself down in the shade of a tree,

" I'll contact you if I find anything useful," Seven replied.

As she stood, Chakotay gently reached out and grabbed her arm. Seven's instinct was to lash out, throw his arm off, but she found herself enjoying his touch of her.

" I guess I don't have to tell you to avoid interacting with these people," Chakotay noted gently.

* * *

Seven had felt real fear as she stood, surrounded by jungle, waiting for Chakotay to answer her hail. The line remained silent, staticless. Feeling something she could not yet analyse, Seven had ran. She ran harder than she thought possible. He was not in the shade of the tree, where she realised that she had hoped he still was, perhaps resting or sleeping in the shade. But he was gone.

Seven calmed herself. Such frantic actions were not becoming of a Borg, she thought. But she wasn't Borg any more, she didn't want to be Borg any more. She has been considering the Doctor's offer this morning as she had packed for the trip, to undergo a series of operations to remove the emotional inhibitor of her cortical node. Being the subject of someone else's design was not a scenario un-familiar to her as a Borg. The Borg lived to someone else's command, and Seven had sworn to herself and the captain that she would never be that way again.

But this morning, as Chakotay had enquired as to her shore leave plans and then agreed to accompany her when she invited him suddenly to the conference with her, Seven had discovered that she was wanting to be someone other than she was. She wanted, she realised, to be someone Chakotay wanted. The realisation of that had consumed much of her thoughts during their trip, and she was not entirely certain that it hadn't led to their predicament. Had she been so pre-occupied with thoughts of the Commander that she had missed the energy readings of the barrier ?

She had reached the native camp, spotted him off to one side. Several natives leaned over him. With all the Borg courage that she could muster, she strode forward into the throng of people.

" Step away from him !" she demanded.

Chakotay's head spun upwards, part relieved to see her, part nervous as to what she would do.

" It's all right, Seven," he called out to her, trying to placate her with as soft a voice as he could so that he didn't frighten his new acquaintances, " They're friendly. They're treating my wound."

Seven looked down at him, and Chakotay could see relief obvious in her eyes. He gave her a gentle, friendly smile as he saw her relax. Restraining her confrontational body language, Seven reached out to help her friend sit up.

" You said we were supposed to avoid interaction," Seven teased, her tone successfully remaining slightly annoyed.

Chakotay couldn't help but stare at her momentarily. He had seen Seven respond well to his admittedly warped sense of humour, even matching him in their verbal banter. But he had never seen Seven start one of their repartees, and he surprised himself with the realisation that he liked it.

" They found me," Chakotay ginned at her, adding innocently," There was nothing I could do ".

" You should have tried to contact me," Seven offered.

" I didn't want to expose them to our technology," Chakotay replied, which was the truth.

" You hid your combadge."

Chakotay reached or his ear, his habit of twiddling with the lobe when he found something puzzling or awkward coming out again. He didn't want to break this bubble of good humour that he shared with Seven. Despite their surroundings and predicament, he was enjoying their conversation.

" Actually, your call scared them," he ventured," They broke it".

Seven did not look pleased at the fate that befell his combadge.

" I suggest we leave before they break anything else," she countered.

Chakotay looked at her again, and this time he saw the fear beneath the Borg efficiency and their friendly banter. Seven was not accustomed to being dependant on anyone for safe harbour, and in the past that had included her friends aboard Voyager as well. The machine side of her also had a hard time without the presence of technology. She just couldn't grasp the nature of a technologically free world. Chakotay on the other hand knew it better than the world of technology that he now lived in. Dorvan had thrived on its simplicity, it's return to the pre-technology roots of their ancestors. He reached out for her and took her hand.

"Look, they're friendly and I am hurt." He began.

" What are you suggesting?" Seven asked. Part of her dallied over the various implied meanings that Mr Paris might have concocted over the meaning of the words. But Chakotay was not Paris.

" We may as well stay the night," Chakotay offered.

On the other hand, he could sound a lot like Paris at times.

" Commander?" she queried.

Chakotay suddenly grasped the breadth of what he had said. In any body's book and by any body's standards, he had just invited Seven to spend the night with him. He wondered what Kathryn would say if she knew, and he found his thoughts drifting to the times that they had been forced to spend a night or two away from the ship, the innuendo nature of the conversations that had played between them. Chakotay had enjoyed that as much as he surprised himself now by enjoying Seven's presence.

" It's good shelter, and my leg feels better since they put this dressing on," he suddenly forced the words from his throat to draw his attention back to the situation at hand. They were, after all, being watched.

" I'm going to get some rest. I suggest you do the same," Chakotay added as he shuffled down to lay on the platform.

Seven looked around at their environment and realised for the frst time that the little enclave was a pretty and tranquil place. Seven heard the evening song of the birds and found it oddly moving as she lay down beside her friend and slept

Chakotay lay there with his eyes closed, listening to Seven relax. There was a time he thought that he would have given anything not to be in the same room as Seven. Now, here, he was suddenly feeling that perhaps that wasn't so bad. The concern in Seven's eyes when she had attempted to rescue him from the natives was something that he thought that he would never see in her and it touched him. Perhaps it was that potential for humanity that had so encouraged him to attend the conference with her.

There was certainly one fact that could not be overlooked, Chakotay thought as he felt his eyes become heavier. At least Seven was enjoying the experience of their night under the stars. He chuckled when he thought of the amount of cussing and moaning Kathryn had made when they had camped out that first night on New Earth before he completed their modular panel house, beige side in because, in her words, she had always looked better in beige. Kathryn had proven to be very much a woman of the twenty fourth century. To that end he had finished the shelter, made her a head board for her sore neck and built her a bath tub. She had found camping a little nicer after that. As Chakotay made a final yawn and felt his eyes close shut, he wondered if Seven liked bath tubs.......

* * *

Chakotay was never one for being frightened. But he was frightened now. It had grown dark and Seven was still nowhere to be seen. He knew he should never have let her go off on her own.

Seven had left not long after the morning meal, intent on retrieving enough of the wreckage of their ship to produce a tetrion based signal that they both knew Voyager would detect. He had spent an interesting afternoon lamenting his earlier excitement at their anthropological gemstone that they had found. He had assumed that his ways of peace and non-threatening behaviour would have been enough to enter their society without leaving any indelible mark on their evolution. He had been wrong. When he had hobbled along on his crutch he had been greeted by a swathe of tattooed faces. The tattoo was of a very familiar pattern. He suddenly agreed with Seven, that it was wrong for them to be there. Seven…..his thoughts wandered.

It might have sounded a little condescending Chakotay thought….. no actually it sounded quite a bit condescending, but Seven seemed to be making such an effort since they had taken up residence in the little enclave. It wasn't just the extra care that she afforded his leg, but also the uncommon amount of patience she showed the natives. He knew that as a former drone Seven had a hard time with a society that failed to keep pace with her. It wasn't merely less developed communities. She had expressed more than her fair share of frustration at crew aboard Voyager who seemed not to understand whatever esoteric point she was trying to get at. Sometimes the math was just beyond them. She had even barked at him at times when he failed to see her point or agree to her plan, which he had always thought of as only fair considering he had tried to blow her out of an airlock at one point. Despite their disagreements they had formed a good working relationship over the years. In that way she reminded him a lot of Kathryn. He would even go so far as to say friendship was forming of late.

Ah Kathryn. Was she going to be...how could he put it delicately...annoyed, he thought, when she found out. It was only the other week that he had been protesting his innocence when it came to keeping shuttles in the air. It would be a while before Kathryn found him, as he hadn't exactly told Tuvok he might swing by for a look at the forest.

" I'm starting to sound like Paris," he muttered to himself, over breakfast with Seven, itself a more enjoyable experience than he had expected.

" His unique vocabulary does have a way of permeating one's own expressions," Seven agreed, as she hooked her fingers into some of the surprisingly delicious berry concoction they had been offered for morning meal.

She carefully spooned the fingerful into her mouth. When she looked up she found Chakotay watching her every motion, his eyes fixated on her fingers. She rather liked him observing her. Realising he had been caught, Chakotay smiled and returned to his own meal.

" Try spending seven years with him," Chakotay continued, picking up the threads of their conversation. " You even start thinking in his way too."

Seven paused dramatically

" A truly disturbing thought," she joked.

Chakotay stopped mid motion of bringing his breakfast to his mouth. He looked over at her, a even wider grin settling over his features. Seven was actually making a joke. Normally she was as stoic as Tuvok. Before he could stop himself, an amused laugh erupted from him and he only managed to bring it under control when they had drawn looks from the locals.

" Ahuh," Chakotay nodded, as he restarted his meal

" How do Lieutenenant Torres and Ensign Kim manage ?" Seven asked with a smile.

" Well Harry just never knew any better before Tom got a hold of him, " Chakotay told her, thinking back over their first days aboard Voyager. In reality it had been Harry who had adopted Tom when he found himself alone among the crew.

" And B'Elanna, " Chakotay added, returning to the conversation," well I think she just threatens him every now and then with her bat'leth to keep him in line."

Seven nodded. She was discovering a new respect for the woman she had most spent the last three years at odds with.

" I will admit," Seven finally ventured, " that I am experiencing a certain amount of regret at being parted from them."

Chakotay nodded understandingly.

" I miss them too, " he agreed.

" However, " Seven added," if Mr Paris were to hear of this, I would deny all knowledge"

Chakotay grinned at her.

" I'll make you a deal," Chakotay offered, " you don't tell him that I really enjoyed eating berries with you for breakfast and I won't tell him you missed him."

Seven actually felt her heart leap. Borg control managed to ensure that she did not make a fool of herself in front of him.

" Deal," Seven agreed.

They ate quietly after that, Seven replaying the Commander's compliment in her head, Chakotay finding the fact that his flirting with Seven again was not an unpleasant experience at all. It felt good to flirt with someone who didn't already know all his moves by heart. Kathryn had grown immune to his charms he thought.

" However I must add," Seven noted as she stood to return their breakfast things to the young woman who had brought them the meal," I will not take the blame for crashing yet another shuttle for you."

" Hey you were flying the damn thing," Chakotay teased back.

" You were navigating," Seven retorted.

And Chakotay had grinned widely at her as she had pulled out the tricorder to scan the local area. He was still chuckling when he returned from his cultural exchange with the natives to hear of her plan to retrieve pieces of the ship. With a smile, he had let her go…

Now as Chakotay stood at the edge of the clearing, watching the tree line sinking further and further into the shadows, he wished like hell he had gone with her. Shuffling to sit down with his back against a tree, Chakotay waited for his friend to come home. She didn't.

* * *

" My friend, she hasn't come back," he demanded before sun-up the following morning, worry etched on his face. It was enough to get the native man's attention where words failed them.

" I need to find her," Chakotay pressed, hunching down painfully to stab the dirt with his finger. He was tired and his body ached from his all night vigil. He had waited and waited from Seven to appear, but she never did.

The evening had been cold, colder than the night they arrived. The native leader that Chakotay had spent most of the day with had approached him during the middle of the night to offer him a blanket. Chakotay had welcomed it. He was cold. He thought of Seven and wondered desperately if she was safe.

Pulling himself back to the here and now, Chakotay remembered that he had judged that he had been rather successful in his efforts to map the local area by using dirt representations of the local topography. It was based on this map that Seven had set out. His map. He felt another unpleasant surge in his stomach. Focusing his attention back, he reproduced the map they had originally drawn. He looked at the native man with a quiet, desperate plea. But the man's face remained blank. Either he didn't understand, Chakotay thought, or he had no idea where Seven was. Chakotay fought against his fear and hoped that it was just that he wasn't making himself clear to the man.

Chakotay's head sank as he tried to think of a method that would get through to them just what he wanted to know. He looked up, prepared to try another round of dirt drawings when he caught sight of a small, impish girl standing behind one of the taller men. She had what looked distinctly like a piece of transporter relay tied with a vine cord around her forehead. She looked suspiciously like someone he was getting more and more desperate to see.

Pushing up on his leg, oblivious to the pain that soared through it he descended on the young girl with a ferocity that surprised both him and her. Startled she tried to back away, but Chakotay grabbed her arm, desperate for the opportunity to finally get across who he was looking for.

" She looks like this," he impressed, gesturing to the young woman's adopted head decoration, hoping that the male leader would put the image together with the desperation in Chakotay's voice and finally understand what he was asking for. " Where? "

The leader's head rose slightly, as if something had finally dawned on him and he waded into the throng of women to retrieve something. Returning to Chakotay he handed him a bag. Peering inside Chakotay saw more debris, a relay, more transporter module, elements of a navigation array. Hope surged in him.

" Where'd you get this?,"he demanded, " My friend. Where? "

Leader seemed to finally grasp what Chakotay was asking and he beckoned the first officer to follow him. Leaning heavily on his crutch, Chakotay followed after him, his mind focused on one single objective.

* * *

Kathryn Janeway had just been getting to the good bit of her novel, right where the heroine told the hero that she loved him no matter what station she held in life, when Tuvok and Harry had called down to say that Chakotay had missed his check in. She slammed the book shut and darted out of her seat as she acknowledged their hail. Her stomach felt like it was in knots.

She had raced to the bridge and the report she had received from the two officers had changed little since they had notified her. Chakotay was hours overdue on his report in time, and the officials at the conference had told them that Seven and the Commander hadn't even made it as far as there.

She shifted into her role as captain easily, it felt as familiar to her as pulling onn her uniform. She issued the orders that needed to be said and had then retreated to her ready room. Tuvok had found her staring wistfully out the view port when he had entered.

" We have arranged to speak to the Ambassador," Tuvok noted.

Kathryn nodded blankly and continued to stare out the window.

" Are you all right, Captain ? " Tuvok asked.

" Sometimes I could throttle Chakotay," Kathryn muttered, " of all the days to take off."

Tuvok stood motionless.

" As I said in my report," Tuvok began,"I believed that with extra emotional stress levied against him as a result of the Quarra incident a few months this would give him a chance to get away and meditate,"

Kathryn looked at Tuvok, a frown creasing her forehead.

" What report ?" she asked.

She had only been half listening to Tuvok, her own thoughts intent on berating Chakotay for his idiocy.

" The report I sent you saying that I had agreed to the Commander's leaving with Seven," Tuvok illuminated," He was on the bridge when she received the invitation. He was about to come and wake you to ask permission to go. I believed that as we were in geosynchronous orbit and you were asleep, that there was very little that could go wrong if he departed immediately. You did not receive my report ?"

Kathryn knew that was a euphemism for " you never bothered to read my report " but she was too busy trying to figure this whole mess out with out bothering with Vulcan semantics.

" No," Kathryn grunted," I got a message from him this morning."

" It seems that the Commander could not leave with out telling you personally," Tuvok sighed," My apologies if I over stepped by bounds, Captain. I sincerely believed that the rest would be the best thing for the Commander."

Part of Janeway derisively wanted to look up an remind the Security Chief that from what she had gathered reading between the lines lately, rest would be the last thing the Commander would be getting. She briefly wondered if that was why he was missing now, that he had set down somewhere to engage in a passionate tryst with Seven, but she dismissed the thought before it could bring back up all that coffee she had drunk today. She knew that regardless of her First Officer's romantic intentions, there was no way that he would have ignored communications from the ship. If he wasn't answering, then something was wrong.

" Damn him," she muttered angrily as she pulled herself up from the sofa and strode in the direction of the bridge to talk to the Ambassador.

Tuvok sighed inwardly, probably as a result of his deteriorating condition. He knew exactly what the captain was like when she was in one of these moods. They would no doubt find the Commander and Seven of Nine unharmed. They would beam back to the ship and the Captain and Commander would begin yet another round of hostilities. Yelling and shouting usually preceded long periods of un-cooperative silence. Sighing again, Tuvok made a note to transfer himself to the Gamma Shift for the foreseeable future.

* * *

Chakotay could barely feel the existence of his leg, let alone its pain as he followed Leader through the trees. He had quickly gotten into a hobbling routine, swinging on his crutch to ensure that he could keep up the pace. When they broke through into the clearing, he had found Seven hovering over a piece of their discarded ship. He was sure, and it surprised the hell out of him, that if he had been able to stand fully on his own two feet he would have pulled the younger woman into a hug. Instead he was greeted with typical Borg efficiency.

"I need your tricorder," she stated holding out her hand.

Chakotay handed her his tricorder, wondering if all her earlier, emotional and humerous side had been a fabrication of his own long night vigil at the treeline for her return.

" Nice to see you too," Chakotay returned sarcastically.

There must have been something in his tone that had caught her attention, and slowly she turned to face him. She saw Chakotay trying to cover his frustration at her actions. Smiling gently she explained.

"I lost mine. There's a strong magnetic field here that's preventing me from generating a deflector beam, but the field drops off approximately four point eight kilometres in that direction," She informed him.

She had spent a long cold evening with her strange new friend, a curious young girl who delighted in learning everything and anything. Chakotay relented and issued her a small relieved smile. Looking down at her tricorder, it seemed the long night had also given Seven time to think, Chakotay noted, because her calculations were precise and already verified.

Seven ran another round of tests on the tricorder. She tried to concentrate on the screen, not the man standing so very close to her. She had been very relieved to see him this morning. She had realised just how much she had missed him last night. A familiar beep confirming her readings, Seven reached out to pass the Commander the tricorder again.

" Can you transmit the signal from there? " he asked as her paged through her calculations. He had always been wary of plans that fell into place too easily.

" Not through the barrier, but I may be able to neutralise it by generating a dampening field with our deflector," Seven offered, but she knew he wasn't going to like this.

" Even if you're right, this must weigh five hundred kilos. How would we move it?" Chakotay asked,

"Some of them could help us." She indicated to the natives, who still milled around watching the visage before them.

" We shouldn't involve them," Chakotay retorted quickly.

" Do I detect a change in attitude, Commander? " Seven countered again, a small smile touching her lips. She hoped he would respond to her playfulness. She very much wanted to avoid a dispute with him.

Disputes were the last thing on Chakotay's mind as his thoughts were instantly drawn back to the face painting he had seen yesterday. He would lay money on the bet that Seven would have agreed with him also had she seen the mimicry of her the natives had indulged in this morning.

" Your concern was justified," he continued," They've been gathering debris from the shuttle, using it to imitate us. I don't want them helping. "

He kept his tone forceful and unwavering, hoping that she would gather from his voice that this was a subject not up for discussion. However Chakotay had learned over the years that the protégé was much like her mentor. Neither gave up a fight that easy when they were convinced they were right and he was wrong.

"What's the alternative?" Seven argued," Staying here, allowing them to find all of the debris? If we neutralise the barrier, Voyager can transport us and our technology off the surface ".

Yes, Chakotay thought, she fought a hell of a lot like Kathryn. Both were equally as good at not taking no for an answer. Smiling resignedly to himself, he looked down again at her data.

" Is there a possibility that this dampening field could disrupt the barrier permanently? " He finally asked after he had considered her plan again for a minute. Stubborn ex-drones aside, this mission still fell under his jurisdiction as the ranking officer, and her life was his responsibility. As were the natives, it now seemed. He eyed her coolly, all traces of affection banished from his face as he waited for the answer.

" Unlikely," Seven finally uttered," Once the deflector is deactivated the barrier should reinitialise."

Chakotay considered the situation for a moment longer before he finally nodded.

" Let's hope you're right," he added sombrely, but as he slid down a tree to sit tentatively on a rock, Chakotay realised that all this aside, he was really very glad – truly happy - that Seven was okay.

* * *

Janeway had paced the bridge. Her negotiations with the Amabassador had been positive, very positive actually. It turned out that the authorities knew exactly where Chakotay was. It was the getting to him that they had problem with. Since the evolution of the written record on this planet, no one had every breached the barrier.

" All the more reason for us to do it, " she had repeated the phrase to encourage her senior staff in their pursuits. Harry, Tom and B'Elanna seemed to take it all very personally.

Sh,e on the other hand, was still as mad as hell with Chakotay. She felt like slapping him alongside his head and asking him what the hell he was doing with Seven. To Kathryn, Seven was an anathema of everything that she understood about Chakotay.

" Captain," Harry looked up and called to her " I have them."

* * *

Janeway was more than a little surprised when only Chakotay appeared when the transport coalesced in Sickbay. Janeway felt her stomach lurch up into her throat at the thought of Seven gone, even considering her recent target of romantic affiliations. Kathryn has to remind herself that she had spoken to Seven, and that she was fine.

" The poultice healed the fracture and the infection," the Doctor noted, his professional pride a little piqued." I'm impressed. "

" They're impressive people," Chakotay agreed, turning to Kathryn he added," I just hope we haven't traumatised them. "

Kathryn had to admit that she felt better now that he was back on board. But she was also still angry.

" You did what you had to do to get out of there," she said formally.

Chakotay watched her as he slid off the bed and gingerly put his weight back on his leg. It felt strong and the lack of pain was a welcome blessing

" Still, " Chakotay continued as he slowly fell into step with his captain, "I think we should transport all the shuttle debris back to Voyager as soon as possible. "

" Agreed".

Chakotay knew that B'Elanna would be rather unhappy with him for crashing another of her shuttles yet again, but he hadn't expected such hostility from Kathryn, especially considering how well they had been getting on lately, united in their friendship since Joe Carey's death. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she stormed up the corridor, her hands balled into fists, her back ram rod straight. He absently thought that all she needed was the bun of steel on her head and they would have gone back in time seven years. She seemed to have that same aura of distrust that she had had those first few weeks aboard too. He thought he knew Kathryn well, could figure out what was wrong with her, but today she baffled the hell out of him.

* * *

Chakotay was still looking baffled as he stood in the ready room with Kathryn and Seven. As usual, the two women were going at it.

God these two are so alike, he thought to himself, and defensively he took a small step back from the other two.

He watched as Kathryn's face turned to thunder, and Chakotay's brow furrowed in silent curiosity.

" Can you honestly say that you know what's better for them? " Chakotay rejoined the conversation in which Seven and the Captain had been arguing the pros and cons of re-establishing the barrier. He hoped to head off the battle of that was brewing between mentor and protégé .

Seven turned to look at Chakotay, surprised that he as an anthropologist would not have wanted to preserve the intergrity of the native society. Chakotay seemed to read her thoughts. He smiled gently at her.

" No, I can't," Seven conceded, accepting his smile with a small gracious nod of her own.

Kathryn felt another surge of that horrible bilious substance that had been chasing her stomach round since Chakotay had disappeared. She fought the urge to heave, but there was a part of her, a rather undignified part of her, that was somewhat annoyed by the signs of obvious affection that her first officer and her protégé were showing each other. Biting down on her lip to stop herself wretching, Kathryn spun to look directly at Seven.

" Then what do you think we should do? " she pushed her, a no- nonsense tone so evident in her voice that she drew suspicious looks from not only Chakotay, who worried about her on a permanent basis, but also from Seven.

" I'm uncertain," Seven replied silently, which was an odd sensation of admission for someone from the Borg, who planned and predicted all variables to the smallest degree.

"It's not like you to be on the fence," Janeway replied sternly.

Chakotay's brow furrowed in concern again as he waited for Seven to answer the captain. Whatever mood Kathryn was in, he thought, there was no need for to take her frustrations out on Seven. All of this was new to Seven, and Chakotay found himself resenting Kathryn for doing it. He stepped closer to Seven. Kathryn felt her stomach lurch again.

" When Commander Chakotay and I first encountered the Ventu," Seven began, " I found them primitive, of little interest to me, but as I spent time with them I came to realise that they're a resourceful, self-reliant people. Their isolation may limit their potential, but if that isolation ends so will an unique way of life."

Kathryn looked at Seven. She looked as uncertain of herself as Janeway had ever seen her. Even in the darkest days of Seven's transition to humanity, she had never seemed as unsure of herself as she did now. Kathryn considered Seven's words and wondered how much Seven was referring to the Ventu, and how much she was referring to herself and her life on Voyager. To Seven, the disorder of the non-collective aboard Voyager had seemed primitive to her in her first days as part of the crew. As she had spent time with the crew, she had found them also to be as resourceful and self reliant as any of the collective.

More importantly, Kathryn thought, Seven had finally let it be known that she too, like so many of the others aboard, had learned a valuable lesson a few months ago during their enforced stay on Quarra. Many had learned on Quarra just where home was to them and that they were really just going throught the motions to get their friends home to Earth. Kathryn had learned listening to Tom and Harry that over half her crew would not be sorry if they never made it home. They already were home. Chakotay was among that group, as were Tom and B'Elanna. Now it seemed Seven was too. Janeway was pretty sure that she had referred to Voyager, when Seven had said that although their potential for growth beyond what they were was limited, the end of that isolation would bring an end to a very special world. And Seven didn't want it to end.

At that moment Kathryn realised why Seven had gravitated to Chakotay. He was a calming influence to her indecision. Kathryn knew this well, because that was always what he had been for her too. Despite the arguments and disagreements, despite the attempts at friendship and love, he had always been her rock. He had always been her calm. He had once told her that she had given him a life that enabled him to know the true meaning of peace. Kathryn had learnt it too. Chakotay was her peace.

And it seemed now that he was also Seven's. And the vulnerability of her protégé now, the simple fact that Seven failed to have an answer for something, touched the better part of Kathryn. She had indulged her jealousy. She had verged on the down right spiteful. Now it was time to be the better person that her best friend, the man she loved, had taught her to be.

Looking up at Seven, she finally smiled. And her smile echoed on the relief that crossed Chakotay's face, the frown disappearing beneath his grin. Kathryn nodded agreement to the statement that Seven had made, the intentional and the unintentional, and resolved to keep the little world of the Ventu as protected from harm as she had once promised the little world of Voyager.

Reaching out to lay a friendly, supportive hand on her protégé's arm, Kathryn gave a little squeeze and a smile that said she would do just that. She looked up into the dark eyes of her first officer, and saw the thanks for her support that he would tell her later. He would have stood by Kathryn, no matter what, but at least he didn't have to bridge and rifts between these two women in his life anymore.

He suddenly realised that he had actually admitted that their were two women in his life who existed on a category above the normal day to day relationships he held with the crew. And as he did he saw something in Kathryn's crystal blue eyes. His frown returned, though he hoped Seven wouldn't see it. Looking at Kathryn intently, he tried to fathom what the look was in her eyes and not for the first time where women were concerned, he wished he was telepathic. But he got no answers, as Kathryn turned away from him.

" Commander, hail the Ambassador," was all she said before she disappeared back onto the bridge.

* * *

Chakotay entered the turbolift and slumped back against the wall. He was as tired as he would ever be.

" You're not getting any younger, Chakotay," he muttered to the empty car as he massaged his tired eyes.

He was glad that they had raised the barrier on the Ventu society. The anthropologist in him had cried out for the chance the study such a fasciniating society. But the ecologist in him had agreed that the culture of the Ventu. and their environment, would have been destroyed very quickly had they been exposed to the outside world. They had such a finally atuned balance between the animal and plant life that the introduction of even a small amount of interference would have collapsed their world. He was reminded of his own ancestors, close cousins of the great tribes on the Inca, Aztec and Maya. All three virtually disappeared within a few years of the arrival of the conquistadors. He doubted the Ventu would have had even that time.

So if he had had such a good day, why was he feeling so lousy?

He was prevented from further analysis when the doors to the turbolift opened and Paris stepped in.

" I thought you left already ?" he asked, puzzling at the Commander slumped against the bulkhead.

Chakotay pulled himself to standing, realising that he had been so distracted with one thing and another that he had even bothered to select a destination.

He still didn't know where he was headed, and was relieved when Paris called for the mess hall.

" So," the helmsman asked, his usual incorrigible tone creeping out," Did you have fun on the planet with Seven ?"

Chakotay looked at him, too tired to argue or play his games.

" Actually Seven was great company," he admitted.

" Really ?" Tom queried, but it wasn't a question, it was that long drawn out tone that implied he was working some innuendo into the statement somewhere.

Chakotay fought with a smile, knowing that Paris would leap onto any sign of weakness and would have a betting pool up and running before they knew it. Suceeding in banishing a grin, he turned to look at the young helmsman.

" So how were the flying lessons, Tom ?" he asked, a low blow, but when he saw Paris' face contort into something between a grimace and a snort, Chakotay thought it a well aimed low blow.

" We're not talking about that," Paris replied, turning away from his friend to stare back at the door.

This time Chakotay grinned, but he kept his retorts to himself. They travelled silently for the rest of the already short journey.

" Do you want to join me and B'Elanna for dinner ?" Tom asked as the lift drew to a halt and Tom stepped out.

Chakotay could see B'Elanna already waiting at the intersection for her husband, returned the small wave she gave him. Chakotay considered Paris' offer, but realised that he had something to do first.

" You go ahead, I'll catch up" Chakotay finally replied, " Get B'Elanna to save me something nice."

Tom looked wounded.

" I can save you something nice," he objected.

Chakotay pushed Paris out the lift.

" Get B'Elanna to save me something nice," he repeated.

Somehow he just didn't trust Paris. He let the doors close on the bemused face of his friend before he called for deck 12.

* * *

" This is a beautiful blanket," Chakotay noted, picking up the somehow impossibly soft blanket that had been given to Seven by the young girl who's life she saved.

Seven looked up, a little startled, as if she were seeing the Commander for the first time. He knew she had been lost in her thoughts, because he had also.

" Take it if you'd like. I don't need it," Seven replied, trying to muster as much of her Borg efficiency and calmness as she could.

Chakotay didn't know whether to reach out and shake her or pull her into his arms and hug her. Instead he looked back down at the blanket.

" If environmental systems ever go down, you might get cold. You know, I wanted …." Chakotay began, but Seven seemed impelled to speak as well.

" I'd like to …" she began.

They both stopped and stared awkwardly. Chakotay wanted to tell her how much he had enjoyed that first evening in the compound, and the banter they had shared. He wanted her to know just what it meant to him to be able to express himself without constantly keeping track on his words to make sure that he didn't cross any boundaries or violate any parameters. He wanted to tell her how nice it was to be able to give something of yourself over to the other person, and get something back in return. It meant more to him than she would know, because he knew how hard such interaction came to her. He had been honoured by her attempts.

" You first," was all he actually managed to say.

So Seven decided that she would tell him that she was grateful for his support today, when the captain had been initially resistant to her pleas on behalf of the Ventu. She wanted to tell him how frightened she had been when she had thought that he had come to some harm when she could not contact him over the comm. She wanted to tell him that he surpassed even the most creative programming of her holo-Chakotay, and that the last few days with him had been better than anytime she had ever had in the holodeck. She wanted to tell him how much his presence in her life mattered to her, how much she was struggling against her cortical node dealing with her emotions regarding him. But she turned out to be as bad at this as Chakotay was.

" Please, continue," was all she replied.

Chakotay realised that they could be here all night going round in circles, so he gave her a trademark grin, and changed the angle of the conversation.

" In all the excitement, I never apologised," he finally offered.

" For what? " Seven asked, still none the wiser, but glad that they were actually speaking to each other now, instead of staring awkwardly.

" Causing you to miss that conference," Chakotay replied, grinning widely.

Seven returned his smile, something Chakotay found intoxicating. It was nice to spend time with someone who smiled. Kathryn always seemed to have the weight of the world on her shoulders.

" As a matter of fact, I wanted to thank you for that," Seven stated, cutting into his wandering thoughts.

He had to admit, smile or not, he had not expected her to thank him for everything they had gone through.

" I thought you were angry ?"

" I was," Seven replied," but you were right. Warp Mechanics can be studied any time. The Ventu, on the other hand…."

Her voice trailed off and Chakotay stepped defensively a little closer to her. Seven was sincere in her thanks to him. She had learned a lot about this man before her, the man she had come to care about deeply, from watching the things that fascinated and drove him. She had learned a lot about her self and her friend. But Chakotay sensed the same 'but' in the sentence that always followed anything that Kathryn said. It seemed her protégé had inherited her knack for them. Gently Chakotay pushed her for an explanation.

" Is something's still bothering you? " he asked.

" I'm concerned for their well-being," Seven replied.

Chakotay nodded. He'd had similar thoughts himself. Now that a way into the enclosure had been proved, the chances that someone would try to force a way in was greater.

" They know how to take care of themselves," he reassured her.

" That's not what I mean. Members of the Ledosian expedition had the opportunity to scan my deflector modifications. In time, they may find a way to duplicate out technology and remove the barrier themselves. "

Chakotay considered her statement. He knew that closed worlds were so much more susceptible to the end of their existence than other cultures. It was true that the foisting of technology onto the Ventu would force them irreperably away from what they were now.

" I suppose it's possible," he observed,

" If I'd never made those modifications…" Seven began again

Chakotay hated the pity. He had seen Kathryn pity herself deeply over the years, diving into depression every now and then.

" We might still be stranded there. I don't know about you, but I'm glad to be back on Voyager," Chakotay stated as he smiled at her.

No matter what, Voyager would be his home. Kathryn had given him this home years ago, helped him find his peace in it. But as Chakotay handed Seven back her blanket, smiling gently as their hands touched, he realised that the time had come to share his home with someone. The time for waiting was over.


	8. Chapter 8

_**DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount.**_

_**AUTHOR: River hawk**_

_**NOTES: Episode Add on For Homestead **_

_**Ships That Pass**_

"This is an official ship function, Commander," Kathryn teased her Chief of Security "Don't make me order you to dance. "

Kathryn watched the frustrated bemusement cross Tuvok's face. She knew that deep down he hated it that she knew exactly how to play him, but he was too much of a gentleman, not to mention too much of a Vulcan to let the matter get the better of him. Forbearance prevailed. Kathryn smiled.

"Sorry to interrupt," Chakotay spoke up as he weaved his way into the little group," but I've got some interesting news. Neelix, you might want to hear this. Long-range sensors have detected several hundred life signs approximately four point nine light-years away. They're Talaxian".

Kathryn's face darted to her first officer. He nodded ever so slightly at her, part silent greeting, part confirmation of his statement. She could hardly believe his words. Talaxians forty thousand light years from where they last met any. She turned to watch the look of utter wonderment spread across Neelix's face.

She knew how much Neelix missed the company of other Talaxians. She had spent a lot of long evenings here in the mess hall with him of late. Ever since she had put two and two together and got seven, she told herself - pun very much intended - she had had a hard time getting to sleep at night with her thoughts about Chakotay. She had resumed her nocturnal wanderings of the corridors, something Chakotay's good company over the years had weaned out of her.

Some of the old night shift faces were not so surprised to see her, but they were definitely perplexed by her return to the ways of old. The ebb and flow of morale on the ship, she was ashamed to admit, revolved around a harmonious relationship between her and Chakotay. Tom had told her one evening a few years ago in Sandrine's, that when she and Chakotay had a spat, the morale of the lower decks took a nose dive. At least, that was what she thought he had said between all the other Paris parlance and euphemisms that he spouted. She had been desperate this time to make sure that the differences she and Chakotay had stayed between them. And the easiest way she knew of to do that, was to bury herself in the persona of the captain.

She just wished Chakotay would make it a damn sight easier. Take tonight for example. Every First Contact day, Prixin, Christmas, Kal Rekk, Gratitude Festival and Thanksgiving for the last Seven years Chakotay had escorted her. Sometimes he had pushed her from her quarters kicking and screaming, but he had always taken her. Somehow the events had usually turned out to be a lot more fun than she thought they would be, something that she had often put down to Chakotay's irripressibly good humoured company. This time things had changed. Seven couldn't make it to First Contact Day this time, so Chakotay had volunteered to relieve Tuvok from his traditional post on the bridge. He never bothered to ask Kathryn. It had felt like a slap on the face to her. And it smarted like hell.

So she had been nicely 'forced' to switch roles, and it was she who invited Tuvok to be her 'date'. It was she who dragged him kicking and screaming, it was she who smiled and convinced him that everything was ok, that the evening wouldn't be as bad as he thought and that he might just have a nice evening despite himself.

But as nice as the company was, she missed her friend. And now that friend was standing before her telling her the miraculous news that she only half heard. Kathryn realised that the sound of his voice had so taken her by surprise that her entire perception of the world had shrunk to just the two of them. Kicking herself and calling herself a few choice names, Kathryn forced herself not to delight in his presence now that he was here and with more effort than she thought it would need, she turned her attentions to her over excited chef. This was after all about him, not her.

* * *

Kathryn couldn't help but grin at the way Neelix paced the bridge. He had asked the eternal question of thousands of over excited children again and again, until even Tom was starting to lose patience with him.

"Are we there yet? "He said for the…...for the...no, she'd lost count.

Kathryn watched out of the corner of her eye as Chakotay bristled again, and immediately tried to feel guilty for the small amount of pleasure it gave her. She failed.

"Not exactly," She replied to Neelix patiently, before Tuvok rescued her and she was free to let the thoughs wander again.

She vaguely heard Chakotay mutter something about interference and Tom waffle something about taking the Delta Flyer. She knew they deserved her fullest attention, but today she just couldn't give it. Her thoughts had been thrown into turmoil a few hours ago and now she just couldn't control them. Kathryn was still stewing over First Contact night. More precisely Kathryn was stewing over her reactions to last night.

She had thought she was doing so well, maintaining her equilibrium over the whole Chakotay and Seven thing. Thing. That was what she had taken to calling it. A Thing. It smarted too much to call it a relationship. Calling her his girlfriend sounded even worse to her ears, the more so because of the fact that Chakotay was good twenty years older than Seven.

Not that she was one to dissent against an age gap relationship. There had been a few years between her and Mark. And the first guy she had dated at Seven's age had been older than Chakotay. It probably stemmed, she tried to tell herself rationally, from the fact that she didn't want anyone else to be Chakotay's girl but herself, sinking into Paris's juvenile language again. Oh grow up, Kathryn, she hissed at her self.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked, his face somewhere between query and faint amusement at her behaviour.

Kathryn closed her eyes, rolled them behind her eyelids and wondered if her day could possibly get any worse.

"Nothing, Commander," she forced a smile, rapidly trying to think of an excuse that would satisfy Chakotay, usually no easy task "just…..hungry."

"Sorry," he grinned, "the chef just left."

Janeway looked up to see Neelix, Tom and Tuvok disappear. She didn't remember issuing the orders, but she must have.

"Damn," she smiled. "And I was _so_ looking forward to Leola root something or other."

Chakotay grinned at her, trademark dimples throwing Kathryn's carefully sculpted captain face to the four winds.

"You really hungry?" he asked.

Kathryn turned to look at him, all prepared with another wonderfully fabricated answer. But she realised that, just as Chakotay had told her for seven years, coffee was not a fourth food group and that it hadn't satiated her hunger at all this evening...morning... whatever it was now. She was starving.

"Yes I am actually," she replied, her own admission causing Chakotay to laugh further.

He stood and took her by the hand.

"Harry, you have the bridge," he called out as he led Kathryn," I'm off to feed the captain."

Harry didn't bat an eyelid, just smiled faintly, Kathryn noted, as Chakotay dragged her past. Were her crew really used to such aberrant behaviour from its senior staff?

"So, "Chakotay asked as they rode the turbolift to his quarters." Pancakes or muffins?"

Janeway returned his smile. He knew damn well what she would choose.

* * *

On any other ship in Starfleet, for that matter on any other ship in the galaxy, the first officer fixing pancakes for his captain at three in the morning would have seemed a little odd. But on Voyager it was almost the byword for normal.

"It was such a shame that you couldn't make it to the party last night," Kathryn mused as she finished the last forkful of a large pile of pancakes. She hadn't been able to resist them since he had first made them that morning not long after they had arrived on New Earth.

Chakotay shrugged nonchalantly.

" I thought it was about time we let Tuvok out of his box," he offered, with a grin," he's been stuck on babysitting duty on the bridge for the last seven years. And Naomi wanted him to participate."

"You and Tuvok don't exactly get along," Kathryn replied as she replaced her fork to the plate and pushed it away with a sigh of satisfaction," and Tuvok actually likes the excuse not to go."

Chakotay knew he did. That was why he had been hoping to borrow it.

"Tuvok and I get on fine," Chakotay corrected her as he cleared away the dishes and ordered her a cup of the fourth food group. She had eaten a proper meal voluntarily for what must have been the first time in years. She warranted a treat.

Kathryn grinned gratefully as she accepted the mug.

"So how've you been, "she asked, "I don't seem to see as much of you as I used to."

Chakotay looked at her sadly. She was right. They hadn't had chance with one thing and another to spend time like this together since Joe had died.

"I'm sorry, "he apologised to her.

Kathryn had been expecting a few different responses, but an apology wasn't one of them. She reached out for his hand over the dining table and squeezed it gently.

"I didn't mean it like that," she replied, her eyes carrying her own concern over upsetting him.

Chakotay felt guilty all over again. He decided that if he apologised again they would end up going in circles like this all night. He worked up his best grin and changed the subject.

"So did you miss me?" he asked.

It had an effect on Kathryn that he hadn't expected. Kathryn's breath seemed to catch in her own throat and he thought that she flushed. Kathryn blinked nervously, and he watched as her eyes flicked over the remainder of their breakfast on the table. He had expected one of her stern looks, the one that said "_you're just that short of a death glare mister if only you weren't my friend_." Instead she had seemed to falter on the edge of coyness. She twisted the mug nervously in her fingers. He found himself captivated by her again. This was a side of her he had never, in seven years, ever thought he would see. They had been close over the years, sometimes just short of intimacy. He had held her safe in his arms when they had sailed on Lake George after her brush with death. She had stood by his bedside when he thought he was losing his mind. She hadn't laughed at his fear of the crazy gene and he hadn't belittled her little battles with depression. They had cooked and been cooked for and by each other. They had lounged on each others sofas when there were reports to be read, strategies to discuss, gossip to share or sometimes just for the sheer silent company of the other. On New Earth they had gotten used to spending evenings together quietly reading. It was a habit they had found hard to break after they had returned. They had been through good and bad together, seeing the best and worst of each other.

But in all that time, all those moments, Chakotay had never seen this side of her. And it fascinated him.

Kathryn caught the breath before a gasp or anything else as equally embarrassing could happen to her. She tried to mask it by blowing cooling air across the surface of her mug's contents.

"A little," she finally replied, "Tuvok just doesn't have your sense of humour. And a sense of humour is one thing that is a must at a Neelix party."

Now that was the Kathryn he knew, silently masking her own emotions in a witty quip, but the side of her that he had seen was something that he couldn't just push away. He was suddenly remorseful for the reason that he had missed the party. He hadn't wanted to go on his own, yet again. The time that he had spent with Seven and the Ventu, he had found himself enjoying the flirting, the open, shared emotion, such as it was. When the party had been announced he had decided there and then, perhaps in a fit of stubborn pique, that he wasn't going to go alone again this year. He wouldn't go as a token escort, but rather as someone's date.

So he had asked Seven. She had been taken aback, pleasantly surprised by his question, but she had refused. She had illuminated the error in his plan though; she was rostered to work in Astrometrics that night, due to scheduled pass of a significant stellar anomaly. He remembered feeling oddly elated and thankful that it had nothing to do with him

It had sounded gallant to his ears when he had protested that he wouldn't go either, except for the look that Kathryn gave him. That look of sadness in her eyes when he announced that he had switched with Tuvok for the night. It had made him regret his actions. Now he remembered why he always went with Kathryn, even when it was only as the token escort. He loved being with her.

"It's been a tough month," Chakotay finally spoke.

Kathryn was almost grateful that he didn't push further with his concern over her choking on her coffee... Almost. She had found herself unable to look him in the eye immediately, but she hadn't been oblivious to him looking at her. The look on his face surprised her. She hadn't seen it in a while, not since they had drifted apart ever so slightly over the Ransom issue. He had remained her friend, stood by her without question as her First Officer, but she knew that the fact that she hadn't gone to him in her hour of greatest need had hurt him. He had thought their relationship was better than that. The fact that she had pushed him away even harder that time...well it had all had played its part in some small way in their drifting apart.

But that look on his face now, Kathryn remembered that look well. She had gone to sleep on many a night on New Earth, and many more nights since they had returned all those years ago, with that look of his in her mind's eye. She had cherished it. It was a look of genuine affection, tender care. That was one of many reasons, Kathryn thought, that she loved being with him. His look had very nearly taken her breath away, something she could honestly say no man ever, not even Mark, had managed to elicit from her.

Kathryn focused on her coffee as she tried to re-organise her thoughts. She desperately tried to reminded herself, he was with someone else now, that look was nothing like she had thought it was. It was just a product of her own confusion.

She looked up at him finally as he spoke. A tough month…

"We've certainly had better, "she replied.

"At least we're still together."

Kathryn looked up at him sharply.

"The crew," he clarified, "at least we're all still together."

Kathryn grinned.

"Thank god," she sighed "I don't know what I would do with out them."

Chakotay nodded agreement.

"Or you."

There it was again, that look. She desperately searched his face for some signal, for something that would confirm to her that she wasn't about to make and idiot of herself. She looked him in the eye this time, hoping that her words would tell him all those things that she didn't have the courage to right now.

Kathryn held up her palm to him, her fingers spread wide in a gesture she knew he would recognise. He did. Smiling, he threaded his fingers into hers.

"We are quite a team, aren't we," he noted.

"I'm pretty sure Starfleet would question some of the decisions we've made," she replied," but you know what Tom would say?"

Chakotay nodded.

"If it ain't broke don't fix it," he recited.

They chuckled together, and Chakotay let their hands drift to the table, but didn't let them seperate. He could see the tiredness aching behind Kathryn's eyes, despite the copious amounts of the fourth food group, but he wanted to stay in this moment for as long as possible. He was starting to wonder whether his decision to move on was the right one. He had never felt as confused about anything in his entire life. He has always been so certain about his decisions in life. He never doubted himself when he decided to leave the tribe, never questioned himself when he left Starfleet for the Maquis. He had believed in his decision with all that he was when he agreed to merge his crew into Kathryn's and he had never faltered from that decision in seven years. But now he was riddled with doubt and confusion. He was caught between his feelings for two women, one whom he loved the other who would love him. B'Elanna would probably call him and idiot, but he was caught between love for Kathryn, who was constrained by protocol to limit her emotions, and Seven, who barely had emotions but seemed so willing to love him. He desperately needed a signal from Kathryn.

"I hope Neelix finds what he's looking for," Kathryn continued as she sipped coffee.

Chakotay looked up from his own mug at her.

"Is he looking for something?"

Kathryn nodded slowly.

"The last couple of weeks I haven't been able to sleep so well," Kathryn began.

"I know," Chakotay cut in, and at Kathryn's quizzical raised eyebrow, he added," I hear you."

Kathryn smiled, somehow comforted that he still noticed when things weren't right with her.

"You were one more night away from a lecture," he teased, harking back to the days of old when he had helped Kathryn with her insomnia.

"Anyway," Kathryn continued, deftly directing the conversation away from what she knew would follow," I got to spending a lot of time in the mess hall."

"Understandable," he noted, "it's your favourite place to sit and think."

"Neelix makes surprisingly good sense at one o'clock in the morning," she continued.

"Somebody has to, "Chakotay quipped, but a stern look from Kathryn made his rein in his sense of humour." Sorry, you were saying."

" I didn't really notice until he told me, but Neelix has been lonely ever since Kes left," Kathryn continued," I think she was his whole reason for carrying on, almost certainly for longer than he cared to admit to any of us. He stayed because he felt a purpose here, but purpose can only carry a man for so long."

_Don't I know it_, Chakotay thought?, wondering whether Kathryn could read his thoughts, understand his confusion.

"You think he's in search of somewhere to put down roots?" Chakotay asked.

Kathryn nodded.

"If we don't get this ship home soon," Kathryn sighed, "I think that he will just be the first of many."

"Everyone is committed to getting this ship home, Kathryn," Chakotay tried to convince her.

"Everyone?"

"Absolutely, every man, woman and Vulcan."

"I'm not."

Chakotay looked at her twice, double taking at her words. He couldn't believe the sense of defeat he heard in Kathryn's voice. Would she really give it all up after all this time ? He saw just how sunken she seemed. She had been a little withdrawn over the last few weeks, but he had been almost certain that it had something to do with Joe's death. But now he wondered.

He cocked his head slightly as he looked at her, and his attention seemed to register with her. She smiled at him gratefully, shaking away her thoughts.

"Don't listen to me," she chuckled, "I'm just maudlin."

"At three in the morning every body's maudlin," Chakotay chuckled, "I promise not to hold it against you."

They stared at each other. Each searched the others face for a sign, but it was Kathryn who finally spoke.

"I hear you have a new friend," she muttered quietly, silently shocked with herself for actually saying it.

Chakotay looked at her. He should have known better than to think that he could keep it from her. Part of him was glad that he no longer would have too. But it didn't make it easier for him to get a sign from her.

"It's not what you think," he noted.

"Would you like it to be?" Kathryn asked.

Now there's a loaded question, Chakotay thought to himself. He still found Kathryn incredibly beautiful. He doubted that he would ever see a more beautiful woman in his life, and even though he was not proud of it, that included Seven. As much as he relished Seven's openness at the moment, there was still a part of him that craved the unspoken, un-debated understanding that Kathryn gave him. Chakotay felt his confusion growing.

"I don't know what I want anymore," he sighed heavily, and that was as honest an answer as he could give.

"Do you love her," Kathryn asked.

"I don't know," Chakotay replied, "I love the way that she makes me feel, but I don't know that if that's love."

He was thankful of someone other than himself to finally discuss his feelings with. He had thought better of discussing this with B'Elanna when he considered how hostile she was to Seven, and the natural proclivity that she and Paris had to his relationship with Kathryn. But he would have sooner faced hostility with B'Elanna than sit hear discussing his love life with Seven with the other woman he was interested in. But he had to find out how Kathryn felt, and this was as good a chance as any.

"How does she make you feel?" Kathryn asked .

This was what crunch time looked like then, Kathryn thought idly.

"Needed," Chakotay replied almost instantly, noticing Kathryn wince ever so slightly," alive….young."

Everything I can't give you, Kathryn thought to herself.

"What doesn't she do for you?" Kathryn asked, wondering when the idiocy that was friendship would come to an end and she would stand up and do something for herself.

"She doesn't seem to understand the instinctive things that come with knowing someone," Chakotay sighed, lamenting how tiring that it could get with Seven at times. She had mastered the witty repartee, learned how to understand his odd sense of humour, but she still had trouble with the things that filled in the gaps.

"Like," Kathryn pushed.

"Like that I hate pudding after dinner for no real reason that I can define and analyse other than it's slimy," he argued, weakly.

"More for me," Kathryn noted.

Chakotay smiled. He remembered well how Kathryn had grazed off his plate over the years. He had never really minded. At least he knew when she was eating then. But it was that familiarity that he missed with Seven, that ease of interaction. Where Kathryn would think nothing of stabbing her fork into his pasta, Seven remained more restrained. Perhaps to Kathryn it would seem petty but Chakotay liked that sort of thing.

"I know she's your protégé," he began, his thougths drifting between his affection to Seven and Kathryn.

"She's her own woman," Kathryn replied, holding her free palm up to him to prevent further objection." Just as much as you're your own man."

Chakotay looked at Kathryn. It was now or never. He had realised sat here with Kathryn that his feelings for her weren't as dormant as he had thought they were. He loved her passion, her fire, her temper and her obssession with coffee. He loved the way she cared for the entire crew as if they were her own children. He loved the way she played him and Tom and all of the others to get her own way. He loved so much about her.

"So, "he began quietly, "….so….how do you feel about it?"

Kathryn looked up at him. Her mind yelled at her to tell him the truth.

"As your captain," she began," or as your friend?"

Chakotay shrugged gently, but his eyes never left hers as they watched each other intently.

"Either," he replied, "both."

"As your captain I try not to meddle in the affairs of my crew," she began.

"And as my friend?"

Kathryn knew she had to do it. She opened her mouth to say it. Now finally, after all this time she was going to tell him she loved him.

But the door chime rang.

"What the hell…" Chakotay hissed, muttering to himself that it was just his luck." Who the hell would be up at this time of the morning?"

"We are," Kathryn smiled.

"Come!" Chakotay yelled, and when the doors opened to reveal Seven, Kathryn felt Chakotay's hand dart from hers. They had held hands so long that evening that her hand felt empty with out his.

"Seven?" he asked, nervously looking from her to Kathryn.

"I hoped you might still be up," Seven informed him, nodding hello to her captain as she entered," I have the reports that you were asking for."

Kathryn saw the smile that played her friends lips as he watched Seven enter. And she suddenly realised why he had been talking so openly of his feelings for Seven this evening. It wasn't because he loved her, Kathryn, but rather was seeking her approval, as his best friend, for the changes he was making in his life. As his friend she felt honoured; as the woman who loved him, she felt destroyed.

"No its okay, Chakotay," Kathryn sighed getting up, trying desperately not to let her heart fall to pieces in front of the both of them "I've prevailed on your hospitality enough for such an ungodly hour of the morning." Kathryn offered her chair to the other woman, "plenty of pancakes left, Seven. I'd suggest you give them a try. The Commander's talents in that area are worth appreciating."

"I'm sure there are plenty to share, Captain," Seven offered," I would not want you to leave prematurely."

Kathryn smiled at Seven's efforts. She tried hard to hate her, to hate both of them. But she only felt numb.

"Anymore and I'd burst," Kathryn smiled graciously, indicating the seat again, "Please."

The two women exchanged places, Chakotay following Kathryn to the door. As the doors slid open, Kathryn turned to face him.

"I'll see you on the bridge for Tuvok and Tom's report?" she half asked, half ordered.

"I'll be there," Chakotay replied quietly, watching Kathryn intently, for a sign. Any sign. He had noticed the change in her attitude towards him. He knew that if he were ever to get a sign from her, it would have to be now, before she buried her feelings by busying herself again.

But there was nothing. No hint of anything more than they had already shared over the years. His chest tightened as his heart sank.

Kathryn looked into her friends eyes, seeing the nervous curiosity there. But it was not the curiiosity Kathryn thought it was. She thought he still wanted her approval.

"As your friend," she answered him, and his head perked up, suddenly interested,"….as your friend….. I hope this gives you the happiness that you deserve, Chakotay. Seven is perfect for you…..you're perfect for her. She needs someone as gentle as you. Be happy, my friend."

She placed a gently hand on his chest, almost over his heart, and mustered up the best smile of support and approval that she could. And with a simple good night she was gone.

Chakotay watched as the doors closed behind her. He continued to lean against the inside of the frame, staring at the closed portal in front of him. He had thought, really thought, that Kathryn still held feelings for him, hoped beyond hope when she had told him she missed him as her escort the night before, that it had been one of her usual precursors to more. But when he had finally gathered the courage to ask her opinion, hoping that she would tell him how she felt, he discovered the answer was nothing like he had ever imagined.

Kathryn simply didn't care for him anymore, not in that way. As much as he knew Kathryn's stubbornness, her almost fanatical adherence to protocol, he doubted very much she would have told him to settle down with someone else if she were still in love with him herself. She would do what she had always done, told him that they were more than just friends, but that protocol wouldn't let them be more than just friends. He had more or less stayed faithful to her the last five years on that hope. Now it seemed to be a lost hope.

"Chakotay?" Seven asked, curiously as he approached him." Are you all right?"

Chakotay looked down at the younger woman, saw the genuine feelings there. Seven was so much the opposite of Kathryn. She spoke and acted her emotions for what they were to her. She didn't bury them behind protocol. Maybe Kathryn was right….

"So," he asked turning to Seven, pulling himself back to present, only the faintest watery sheen to his eyes hinting at his broken heart, "do you like pancakes?"

* * *

Kathryn watched the endless tumbling of the asteroids and wondered just how her life had suddenly become one endless tumble over the last few days. She had cried like she had never cried before when she had left Chakotay with Seven. She had been so sure that Chakotay still carried some of that old love for her, but she had seen the way that he had looked at Seven, had seen the way he had asked Kathryn for her approval.

And she had given it. Even though it went against every grain of what her soul wanted, she had given it. He had been her closest, dearest friend for far too long not to. He had kept her sane when she had thought she was lost. She owed him that happiness.

Two of the asteroids collided and disappeared into a mist of dust and fragments. That just about sums my life up, Kathryn thought miserably.

Kathryn heard the sound of pots moving behind her and she turned ever so slightly to see who she thought it was.

"I didn't think anyone else stayed up this late?" she called to Neelix with a knowing smile.

Neelix returned he smile, and gave her the same answer he had given her every night for the past few nights.

"I wouldn't want you to have coffee all by yourself," he replied quietly, walking over to where she sat.

Kathryn looked at him and realised that he looked exactly like she felt. Lost.

"Have a seat. "

She gestured in front of her, watched as the Talaxian sat. He was a truly strange character, she thought. but a wonderful man. He had annoyed the hell out of her at times over the years, but Kathryn wondered just how much harder those years would have been without him. Kathryn couldn't calculate all the ways Neelix had contributed to the ship and the crew; there just wasn't a sheet of paper long enough. To see him now, so torn between his heart and his duty hurt Kathryn more than she could say. She knew what that was like, and she wouldn't have wished it on anyone.

"I've been thinking about something," Neelix finally said, as if he heard her thoughts, "It's a little hard to put into words. I haven't really made a decision yet, and of course I would never ignore my responsibilities on Voyager. "

"Of course not," Kathryn noted. This conversation was sounding very familiar.

"I take them very seriously," Neelix continued.

Kathryn saw the familiar tug of war going on between his mind and his heart that she had suffered almost daily now for seven years. Her fight between protocol and passion echoed so much in Neelix's debate between duty and desire. The thought of Neelix feeling as she did now, after all that he had done…

"I know you do," she finally replied, looking down at her coffee." I've been thinking about something, too. Maybe you could help me. "

"I'd be happy to," Neelix offered, and that was the problem Kathryn thought. Neelix was about to put aside his own thoughts, his own dreams to help her, yet again. It was time she paid a debt to this friend.

"It's an idea I'd need to talk to Starfleet Command about," Kathryn continued, trying desperately not to give into her selfish desire to keep him aboard.

"It must be important," Neelix noted.

"It is. Now that we've established two way communications with Earth, it seems to me Starfleet could use a permanent ambassador in the Delta quadrant. This ambassador would have to stay in frequent contact with Voyager," Kathryn waffled. She'd never had the idea before, but it seemed a good one, and now it would serve a purpose greater than Federation representation.

"Certainly," Neelix agreed, intrigue suddenly replaced by an inkling of understanding as to what the captain was saying, what she was offering.

" It would be difficult for me to run this ship without you, Neelix, but that might be a sacrifice I'd be willing to make," Kathryn forced the words out of her gradually tightening throat, and feeling the need to lighten the mood added with mock reverence, " … for the greater good of Starfleet."

Neelix smiled at her humour, seeing tears welling in his captain's eyes that matched the blurring vision that he shared.

"Of course, the assignment would be entirely voluntary," Kathryn offered. She looked up at him fully, watching for the same sign of hope in Neelix's face that she had so desperately hoped to see in Chakotay's face the other day.

"You wouldn't be interested, would you? "She asked.

Neelix felt a sudden swelling of love for this woman that made his decision all that harder. She had given him the chance to honour his commitment to her and the crew and also have the home that his heart had so often desired of late. He had found a peace with Dexa and Brax that he hadn't felt since he and Kes had first found a home aboard Voyager seven years ago. Despite the hard life that the Talaxians led on that asteroid compared to his life on Voyager, he had wanted so desperately to be part of it. But he owed the captain so much more than he could say for the chances that she had given him, the chances that she had given so many of his friends, like Tom and B'Elanna, the Doctor and Commander Chakotay. But maybe he could do more good for his friends by liaising with all those worlds they would cross in the coming months, smoothing their way.

He nodded ever so slightly. He'd take the job.

* * *

Kathryn watched as Neelix disappeared into the shimmer of the transporter, turned to see Tuvok, so uncommonly emotional, stare after the beam too. She watched as Chakotay reached down to take the sobbing Naomi up into his arms, watched as the little girl, despite being very mature for her young years, threw her arms round his neck and her legs round his waist and cried on his shoulder as she had done many times over the years. He had always been her favourite uncle, second only to the man that she had just lost. It had only ever been Neelix and Chakotay who were allowed to kiss better a scraped knee. Chakotay had been summoned often from the bridge in her early years to do just that.

Kathryn realised that for the young girl, it was the first time in her life that she had ever lost someone she was close to, even if this time it wasn't of the permanent variety. Still, if she could have spared her captain's assistant the pain, she would have. She looked to Chakotay; saw him looking at her sadly before he turned. With Seven, falling in to step with him, he carried Naomi home.

She watched Tuvok approach her.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"No," Tuvok replied with an honesty of emotion that she had thought so strange for him that she furrowed her brow a little in concern.

"What's wrong?" she asked, putting her arm around her friend and up onto his shoulder.

"I believe that right now, despite all the conflicts we had in the past, I would do anything to have Mr Neelix back, "Tuvok's clipped tone informed her.

Kathryn smiled. She felt like her calm little world of the last few years was slowly falling apart. The children, her children, were all grown up. They were leaving home. First Kes had blossomed into more than anyone had ever expected possible of her, now Neelix; she, Tuvok and many others had watched him grow from scavenger to trusted friend and now Federation Ambassador.

She wondered now whether all those who really had no interest in getting home would soon begin to follow suit. Tom had turned from malcontent into a loving husband and soon to be father, a trusted member of her crew and one of the few people who understood what it was like to come from a Starfleet family. She wondered how often he and B'Elanna, herself a former terrorist and dropout, had dreamed of settling on some world where they could raise their daughter safely when she was born. She was sure there were others who felt the same way too, including, although it pained her to admit it, Chakotay and Seven.

Kathryn turned to slip her arm through Tuvok's and patted that arm gently.

"Me too," she smiled, as she led him from the transporter room.

* * *

On the small moon. Neelix watched Voyager streak into warp. It was the oddest sensation, watching the ship leave with out him on it.

" Thank you, Captain," he whispered as he turned to his family.

Now he finally knew peace. And he would do his damndest to ensure that his friends would one day find the same.


	9. Chapter 9

**_DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount._**

**_AUTHOR: Riverhawk_**

**_NOTES: Episode Add on For Renaissance Man_**

**_Part 9 - Loneliness_**

" Computer, pause music. I didn't wake you, did I? "

The Doctor watched as the captain leant against the railing, her eyes bleary.

" That's all right, Doctor. Fifteen minutes of sleep is really all I need," Kathryn sighed as she forced her feet in the direction of the replicator. " Coffee, black".

Kathryn inhaled the burnt scent of the bean that lingered, savouring the soothing effect it had on her. She felt awful, and she probably looked worse she thought. She really didn't care. It was only her and the doctor and he was as resolutely unaffected by her coiffure as he had ever been. Talking of the doctor, she thought, as she turned to face the EMH.

" Maybe you should pay a little more attention to flying and a little less to singing," she reminded the hologram acerbically.

Equally as usual, it seemed to be like water off a duck's back.

" As a hologram, I can handle a variety of tasks at once. In addition to piloting the Flyer, I'm writing a paper on the physiological stresses of long duration space flight and taking holo-images of this Mutara-class nebula," the Doctor crowed.

Janeway felt her eyes trying to roll in their sockets but kept her best captain face on it all.

" With a hologram on board, who needs a crew? " She quipped cuttingly.

She was, she knew, thought of as the accomplished master of the witty cut down. She had always been quick when it came to the exchange of words, both in jest and in seriousness. But she would have to admit, that the true depth of her skills had been honed here in the Delta Quadrant, on the bridge, with Tom Paris as her unfailing victim. However today she failed to take into account the depth of the Doctor's ego. It hadn't been too scarred from his dealings with the publisher Broht. In fact quite the opposite. His ego seemed more swelled than ever now. As if on queue, the Doctor drifted into another diatribe on the holographic question.

" I'd never admit this to anyone else," he began, eyeing the captain conspiratorially, " but there was a time when I would have given anything to be flesh and blood, but I've come to realise that being a hologram is far superior."

" Really ?" Janeway arched an eyebrow as she looked at him.

Kathryn sighed inwardly as she sipped her coffee. She tried hard to be annoyed at the Doctor, but as she swallowed her coffee and listened as he admitted that a little time with her gave him such pleasure, Kathryn felt her anger ebbing away. For all his pomp and bluster, the EMH was a good friend. And right now she needed a friend.

If anyone had told Kathryn a year ago that she was going to be the one to run away from home, she would have laughed in their face and told them how ridiculous the concept was. Yet here she was, accompanying the EMH to a medical symposium. Running away.

Damn, Kathryn muttered to herself. Here she was, fifty years old, Captain of an Intrepid Class Starship 30,000 light years from home and she was running away. Perhaps not physically, but certainly figuratively. She had been the only taker of the offer from the doctor to attend a medical symposium, her colleagues all suddenly busy, with their calendars full. By the looks that she had garnered from the rest of the senior staff, she had perhaps a littler too eager a taker. But the thought of getting off of Voyager had been too powerful to resist. She had always thought of the ship as home, its environs as safe. Now it seemed claustrophobic and she felt like she was suffocating. She had over the years managed to lose herself in what had always seemed like the vast endless corridors of Voyager. She had, in the past, gone months without running into Chakotay socially and he only lived next door. Now he seemed to be everywhere she went. The corridors had become like ever decreasing boxes, boxes that she had felt powerless to find her way out of.

It was ironic then that her salvation lay within the even small confines of the Delta Flyer with a man whose persistence of ego had in the past almost driven her to despair in the past.

She didn't care now. It was just the two of them. No bridge, no reports. No Seven. No Chakotay

It was like heaven.

Janeway was pulled from heaven by the sudden jolt of the ship. If she hadn't spent the last seven years developing battle legs, she was certain that she would have pitched over and found herself sprawled on the deck, covered in coffee. She stowed the mug and attempted to re-take command from the Doctor.

" Sit down and relax, Captain. You've got a hologram at the helm," the Doctor announced as he kept his seat and returned his attention to the displays in front of him.

Somehow, Kathryn thought nervously as she sat beside the EMH, she didn't find that very comforting.

* * *

" As punishment, their law demands that our ship be dismantled. "

Chakotay couldn't believe what he was hearing. How the hell they had ended up in this predicament was beyond him. Kathryn had only gone away for a few days for heaven's sake.

" Obviously we're not going to let that happen," Chakotay replied earnestly, but he didn't like the look in Kathryn's eye.

" I spent three hours explaining our situation to their Supreme Archon, a thoroughly unpleasant man. I convinced him to spare Voyager, but at a price," Kathryn took a breath and Chakotay watched his eyes narrowing suspiciously. Sighing Kathryn uttered the 'but' that Chakotay was waiting for," We're going to rendezvous with their armada and surrender our warp core at a class M planet where they've agreed to let us settle"

" Settle! " Chakotay almost yelled.

He vaguely noticed the reproachful look, the slight glare and massive frown that Kathryn had given him. He could feel his temper rising. To him it sounded like she had already decided to do it.

" I didn't make this decision lightly, Chakotay," she continued in as level a tone as she could muster.

The sense of finality to that statement was unmistakeable. It was a tone Chakotay was very familiar with. He had seen it first hand many times when he had argued with Kathryn. But even in all those arguments in the past, there had always been an element of question to Kathryn's speeches. They were the moments where he latched on, gave her his opinion and at times, a piece of his mind too. Today her tone was definitive. There would be no consideration of question.

" We have to bring the senior staff in on this," he demanded," We can find a way to evade their ships, or adapt our sensors to their cloaking technology. "

" We could try that and we might make it past their armada," Kathryn countered," but we could lose a lot of people in the process. Maybe the entire ship. "

Chakotay definitely didn't like her tone.

" Kathryn, there's got to be another way," he implored her.

He watched as she turned away slightly, rubbing the bridge of her nose. He had noticed the change in Kathryn ever since he had asked her opinion of his relationship with Seven. He wasn't as oblivious to things as Kathryn sometimes thought that he was. She had said a few things that night that had worried him, and it seemed that despite her protestations to the contrary there was still a part of her that toyed with idea of putting down roots, especially since Neelix had left.

" I'm tired, Chakotay," she confirmed, as if hearing his thoughts. But before he could answer she continued," Tired of casualty reports, of continually risking my people on the slim chance that we'll make it home in one piece. "

" We've found our way out of worse situations," Chakotay almost pleaded with her.

Part of him wanted to reach out and guide her through her confusion, but he knew that was probably the last thing that Kathryn would want. She preferred seclusion when unduly burdened by command. And she had made it pretty clear to him the other week that although she considered him her closest friend, she didn't consider him more than that. She wouldn't appreciate him trying to speak to her as anything more than her first officer.

" Set a course," she broke the silence between them bluntly, blatantly avoiding the look of curious suspicion that he gave her.

" What am I supposed to tell the crew? " Chakotay asked.

" For now, I'd like to keep this between us".

Now Chakotay knew there was something wrong. Even when Kathryn was at her worst, she had never been ashamed of her actions to the point of hiding them from her crew. She had not shied away from the fact that she had been willing to seriously hurt Noah Lessing, even though she had later deeply regretted her actions. To hide something this momentous from the senior staff, it just wasn't Kathryn.

" It's not like you to keep your people " Chakotay began to warn her, hoping Kathryn would come to her sense, but Kathryn cut him off

" I'll make an announcement when the time is right," she cut in," Dismissed. "

Chakotay doubted that there was likely to be a right time to drop such a bombshell on the crew. He watched Kathryn, looking for some sign of reason in her, but her face remained motionless, her eyes cold and devoid of emotion, not even regret. She turned away from him, her moves stiff and controlled and after moments watching her, Chakotay left the room.

He fairly stormed on to the bridge and issued the course change Kathryn had ordered. Paris looked up from his terminal, but lost the urge to utter a pithy witticism when he saw the look on his friend's face. So things weren't too hot again between the Captain and the commander, Paris thought, and that usually didn't bode well or the rest of them. He exchanged a wary look with Harry before he returned his attention to his station.

Chakotay sat heavily in his chair and slammed up the console between his and Kathryn's chairs. The force with which he did so drew more than a few looks from the others around him, but he ignored them. He could feel Tuvok's eyes on him, and he briefly considered violating Kathryn's orders and revealing all to the Vulcan. But he knew that Tuvok would side with Kathryn before him, partly out of honour to his captain, partly out of a traditional antipathy between him and Chakotay. No, Chakotay thought, if he was going to get any support in the future, he would have to prove that Kathryn was acting irrationally, and for that he needed the Doctor.

Chakotay felt his stomach knot as he realised that what he was considering doing. As the hours passed, the knot seemed to tighten. He knew that when the time came, and if Kathryn carried on like she was, he would be forced yet again to betray Kathryn. Before he had time to dismiss the thought, he received a call from B'Elanna with some disturbing orders from the captain. Sighing heavily, he headed for Sickbay.

* * *

The Doctor decided that he was having a very bad day. He stood as still as possible as he heard Chakotay leave. He had observed enough of the Captain to know that when she was really angry, she had a habit of turning to stone, as if it was all that contained her fury. He had visibly sighed and felt his shoulders shrink as the doors closed and he was finally alone.

It had all seemed like such a good idea at first. At least, as good an idea as they were likely to get considering the situation that he and the captain had found themselves in. He knew the captain wasn't exactly pleased with his decision to go along with their captor's plan, but he had seen little choice himself. He had meant it when he had told her that he considered her his friend. And if nothing else, he had learned in the last few years, that friendship was one of the things that mattered most to him. He wasn't about to turn his back on his principles just because the going got tough. He had just returned to the ready room when the his own comm badge chirped.

" Chakotay to the Doctor. "

The Doctor's head snapped up straight as he heard the Commander's voice come across the comm.

" Go ahead, Commander," he replied in his best synthesised captain's voice, swallowing hard.

" Report to Sickbay immediately," the Commander barked.

The Doctor felt his eyes rolling in their sockets and his chest emitted a heavy sigh. Reaching down towards his boot, he keyed the buttons on his mobile emitter and the visage of the captain morphed away, leaving him looking at a more familiar and comfortable face. He couldn't help but feel relieved as he called for a site to site transport and emerged in Sickbay.

" Something wrong with the turbolifts? " Chakotay snapped as the Doctor materialised.

" You did say immediately," The Doctor replied, quelling a moment of panic with his usual brand of sarcasm. People rarely listened to him when it mattered and he hoped they would continue to ignore him now." How can I help you? "

" I'm concerned about the Captain. She doesn't seem to be feeling well," Chakotay lied.

The Doctor saw how difficult this seemed for the Commander and felt a brief moment of regret at what he was causing his commanding officer. He knew his reticence would force Chakotay into a difficult position, but the EMH had realised just how much this pained the Commander personally. The captain was his friend, he knew. And Chakotay prized his friendship with others more dearly than perhaps even the Doctor did. The Doctor had never been forced to place his existence on the line for his friends. Chakotay had done it many times, and the Doctor hoped that when the time came he would have as much courage. The Doctor voiced a silent apology to the First Officer as he the man began to speak.

" What's wrong? " the Doctor asked, returning his thoughts to the conversation.

" I'm not sure. She went to her quarters with a headache," Chakotay replied.

" I'll bring her an analgesic," the Doctor offered in as helpful a voice as he could muster.

" I was wondering if this could be related to your encounter with the aliens," Chakotay ventured nervously and the EMH knew that it was taking all the efforts the Commander had not give himself away with the tell-tale tugging of his ear.

" You think they harmed her?" the Doctor asked, doing his best impression of concerned innocence.

" You tell me," Chakotay asked, a little more steel in his voice than he had originally intended. " What did they do to her? "

The EMH turned to arrange the equipment on a nearby tray as he gave himself time to think of an answer. He was fast beginning to realise that the life of an undercover agent, as it were, was not one that he was really that suited too. He relished the challenge and was, he thought, rather adept at thinking on his feet. But the duplicitous nature of the job did not appeal to him. As Tom Paris often annoyingly told him, he was one to often call a spade a spade regardless of the consequences. Prevarication was just not something that he did well.

" I'm not sure, exactly." the Doctor continued eventually," The aliens took my program offline as soon as they boarded the Flyer. The Captain reactivated me a few hours later and told me she'd been interrogated. Naturally, I examined her to make sure she was all right".

Yes, he decided silently, it all sounded plausible. Chakotay wasn't so easily thrown from the scent though.

" Did you find anything unusual? " the Commander pushed.

" I suppose I'm violating Doctor-patient confidentiality by telling you this," the Doctor mused, hoping that his own fabricated report would be enough to dissuade the Commander from further questioning," but, she was fine. "

It didn't seem to work and Chakotay seemed as relentless as ever.

" I'd like you to give her a more thorough examination," he demanded.

" Gladly, but you know how she feels about physicals," the Doctor tried another tack.

"You can be very persuasive, Doctor," the Commander continued with one of those tones that stated that he would not brook any continued opposition,"Contact me as soon as you're done. "

" Aye, sir ".

* * *

Kathryn Janeway was wondering just how bad her day could possibly get as she watched Chakotay confront 'her' outside her quarters on the view screen. She remembered with a fond smile one of the first things that she had realised she loved about Chakotay; the fact that when he got the bit between his teeth he was tenacious. He didn't stop until he got the truth. She was never prouder of him than now as she watched him confront 'her' again outside her quarters.

" I'm concerned, " Chakotay said to 'her'.

And Kathryn was touched by the look in his eyes. She had thought that look gone. He saw suspicious too, the strange look that he had when he knew something wasn't right but he couldn't quite get a grasp on what it was.

Chakotay pushed a little further.

" I think you do. Fifteen years ago, you were the Lieutenant who was kept in the dark. If you hadn't questioned your Captain's orders the entire away team would have been lost."

Kathryn's head jerked up and she returned her wandering attention to the scene being played out on the screen. She'd never told him anything of the sort. She smiled as she watched Chakotay watch her, his eyes narrowing as he waited for her answer.

" This situation's entirely different," the Doctor brushed off.

Bingo, Kathryn cheered to herself as she watched the knowing look on her First Officer's face. Now this ridiculous charade would come to and end.

" You never told me that story. I made it up," Chakotay countered, as he brought his hand up to tap his communicator," Chakotay to Tuvok…."

Kathryn let out an involuntary yelp as she watched the Doctor attack her friend, felt her heart jump as she watched her friend rendered unconscious and then transported to the morgue. That was an image, Kathryn thought to herself, that she wished she would never see again.

For the first time Kathryn felt afraid. She had been furious, aggravated and even somewhat bemused over the course of the last 24 hours, but she had never been afraid. Fear was something that she just didn't do, something she rarely had time for.

But now she was afraid. Her hope had been Chakotay. The Doctor's charade was convincing; he was after all a master of observation. If any one was ever to know the difference though, it was Chakotay. He would know every foible and nuance of speech, stance, attitude. His first reactions to her and his visits to the Doctor had proven that he was already suspicious as soon as she had returned home. She was apparently even more transparent and readable to him than she thought he was. It was appealing and worrying at the same time.

And now he was gone. She felt a fresh surge of anger at the Doctor. She had been furious with him at first when she had awoken in this cell and he had told her that he had decided to go along with the Heirachy's plan. She had argued with him, asked him to think about what he would have done were he following his command protocols. But the man had truly looked pained at the decision that he was being forced to make, and so in the end Kathryn had eased up on him. Part of her had been sure that he would have said or done something to inform Chakotay, a subtle clue or a passed note. But he hadn't done anything of the sort and now the man she had been sure was her only hope was laying comatose in the morgue.

Slumping down on the bunk, Kathryn felt her hopes sink. Yes she thought, she was starting to become frightened.

* * *

Chakotay rubbed the bridge of his nose and tiredly looked at the screen in front of him. He was angry with himself. He had known there was something different about Kathryn, something not quite right. It just hadn't seemed like her to suddenly want to put down roots after so long fighting to get home. He should have seen the Doctor coming when he had attacked him.

" I'm getting old," he muttered to himself.

" Aren't we all," B'Elanna agreed as she waddled over to sit beside him.

" I should have seen this coming, B'Elanna," Chakotay sighed.

" Hey, don't beat yourself up," B'Elanna chided gently as she eased herself down into his chair and rubbed her stomach," It was the doctor after all and he knows us all better than anyone."

Chakotay raised a disbelieving eyebrow, but knew better than to argue with B'Elanna.

" She'll be fine, you know," B'Elanna finally whispered after a quiet minute passed between them. She had always known him well, knew what he was thinking and when.

" Who ?" Chakotay said, but they were mere words.

" The captain," replied B'Elanna, equally as nominally, " I know you. She's you friend. She's probably closer to you than I am."

" We've been through some battles together, " Chakotay smiled, and he smiled at the thought of the fights he and Kathryn had had together. Sometimes they had been against each other, most times they stood side by side.

" A wise man once told me, there are two ways to see a person and really know them, " B'Elanna mused," one is to watch them sleep, the other is to watch them fight."

Chakotay smiled as he looked up at her.

" Who told you that ?" he asked.

" You did," she grinned back.

" Well that just proves its not worth listening too," he sighed.

" Oh I don't know, " B'Elanna replied, her mind temporarily lost in thought, " I found I liked the way that Tom fought, I admired him for it. Made me pay attention to other things about him. Then I found that I still liked him when I watched him sleep. So I married him."

Chakotay smiled. He would have to admit that he had never seen B'Elanna so happy. She seemed to have found peace after so many years of being at odds with the world. He envied her contentment.

" So what are you suggesting ?" he asked, suddenly serious, as if everything in his future rested on the verdict that B'Elanna gave him today.

" It's not my place to suggest anything," B'Elanna sighed, reaching out to briefly touch his arm," but I'm here, we'll all be here for you when you need us."

Chakotay nodded. He had a feeling he would need them.

* * *

Kathryn Janeway wandered the corridors of her ship feeling a wonderful sense of peace and homeliness. Part of her now wondered how she had ever thought that she could run away from it. She had been forced, coerced and down right man-handled into a week's rest by her First Officer. Kathryn had indulged in a few lay ins, a day or so traipsing around her quarters in her sweats, catching up on nothing but reading.

But she had also had time to think. The Doctor was right. She had ignored friendships with others in order to spend time with Chakotay. They had been each others world for so long, that they had lost contact with some of the relationships that they had enjoyed in the earlier years of their trip. She didn't think it had been a bad thing, but she felt guilt over how easily she had thrust other relationships to the back burner.

Before she had had time to tell the Doctor that she had decided recently that the time had come to expand her social horizons, they had been rescued and returned to the ship, the Doctor had made his death bed confession to Seven and had then, when the excess personalities had been purged just before his matrix began to decompile, gone into hiding.

And it had been over breakfast this morning that she realised that he was the one person on board this ship who was probably lonelier than she was right now.

" Captain, do you, do you need medical attention? "

Kathryn smiled as she watched him walk around his desk and take a seat. She understood the symbol very well. There had always been something safe and supportive about her desk when she had felt less than her usual self.

" No," she replied gently as she watched his awkward posture.

She was still surprised, even now, that the person who had seemed nothing more to her than a program when she first had him activated had now blossomed into such a robust and profoundly important part of their lives. What she had wanted to call nothing more than a collection of photons, she now saw as a friend and trusted officer, who right now looked like he needed a hug .

" You've been keeping to yourself lately," Kathryn continued, watching as his shoulders shrugged, "Your friends are worried about you. "

She saw the Doctor stiffen slightly at the mention of his friends.

" After my deathbed confession, I wasn't sure I had any friends left," he looked at her, as if she were one of the ones that mattered most to him," I overstepped my bounds in documenting your command decisions. It happened a long time ago, before I considered myself to be a part of your crew".

He offered the apology, but he never expected her to take it. So much had changed over the years. He never thought that his reports would come to light again.

" Oh, I'm not here to make you grovel," Kathryn began," I'm here to punish you for your insubordinate behaviour. "

There was an element of truth to that, Kathryn thought. She wasn't about to make him suffer for making a log in bad judgement seven years ago, nor was she really going to hold his good intentions against him now. She had been angry with him over his poor judgement call in this whole situation for a while, but her enforced rest had given her time to really consider what she would have done in his place. The answer that she would have probably have done the same thing surprised her a little. This crew meant as much to the Doctor as it meant to her. In reality, it was the only family he had ever known. The same attachment to certain individuals that had made him act in such discordance with her orders was the same drive that drove her. She had realised after a lot of thought, that she and the EMH had a lot in common.

" I understand," the EMH replied bringing her back to the present.

Kathryn mustered her most official voice and turned to look at the Doctor.

" You're hereby denied the use of your mobile emitter for six days," she noted, seriously," Since you haven't left Sickbay for a week, we'll call it time served."

The Doctor tried his best to show thanks that he didn't feel.

" I appreciate the gesture Captain, but I've got a lot of work to catch up on," he replied, but Kathryn was familiar with that argument already and as much as it had already stopped working for her against Chakotay, it wouldn't work for the EMH.

" I'm sorry to hear that. I was hoping you might be free for a cup of coffee on the holodeck. I know a little sidewalk cafe in Buenos Aires," Kathryn offered ," You said you wanted us to socialise more. "

The offer seemed to energise the EMH.

" I suppose Mister Paris can finish this," he replied and Kathryn felt a strange sense of pleasure as the EMH accepted.

Smiling, she nodded with her head for him to follow.

" Now, when you're on the holodeck with the Captain there are two rules you have to follow," she announced as they exited the sickbay.

" I understand," the EMH replied, eagerly.

" First, leave your rank at the door. "

" Not a problem. The second? "

" No opera."

She saw the Doctor smile gently and nod as they left sickbay. They headed for the holodeck for coffee, engaged in what Kathryn surprisingly found to be rather stimulating discussions on a number of passions they shared in common. She was actually rather lost when the afternoon ended and they parted company, making firm plans to meet up again the following day. Life was perhaps not going to be as lonely as she thought.


	10. Chapter 10

_**DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount.**_

**_AUTHOR: Riverhawk_**

**_NOTES: Episode Add on For Endgame_**

_**Part 10 - Nor to the victor go the spoils...**_

Chakotay woke, breathing hard, his clothes drenched yet again in sweat. He pushed the blanket off his legs and swung them to the floor, leaning forward and letting his spinning head settle before he stood. When the room stopped floating around him, he stood and padded over to the replicator, ordering a large glass of ice cold water, then another.

It was the fifth night in a row that he had woken from that nightmare. He couldn't even really remember what the nightmare was really about, just the pervading sense of suffocation that closed on him tighter and tighter until sheer panic woke him a terrified fright.

He drained the second glass of water and ordered a third. The dreams might have been elusive, but the subject wasn't he realised. They had started when he had started seeing Seven, and they had been getting steadily worse over the week as their relationship had developed. Chakotay knew without a doubt that the dreams and the cold sweats were a bad omen. He had never been one to be unsure of his feelings, or one to doubt his commitments and beliefs, but his sub conscious mind was definitely trying to tell him something. If the subject matter were anything other than his relationship with Seven, he thought that he would have padded barefoot next door in his night clothes and vented his thoughts to Kathryn. To any one else it would have seemed strange at two in the morning to go parading into the captain's quarters in their pyjamas, but to he and Kathryn it was normal. They had been using each other as a sounding board in such a manner for years.

But considering the odd turn his relationship with Kathryn had taken, he thought it better that he stay put. He slumped down on the couch, resting his head backwards.

Yes, things had taken such an odd turn of late. He had been flattered when Seven had invited him out on a date. Considering she was half his age, it had done him more than a world of good. After the disasters that had plagued his attempts at relationships in the last ten years, it had felt good to be with someone who wanted simple things out of life. The fact that she had as dark a past as he had, had been alluring for him. Whilst he was with her, he no longer felt that he was on the outside of life and society.

But if he was honest, it was a feeling that had soon dissipated. Seven continued to be pleasant enough company, but it seemed harder and harder to find conversation. And there was nothing harder than trying to make conversation with someone who didn't know how to make conversation. He had spent so many evenings with Kathryn that he found it hard at times to be around people who couldn't anticipate what he was thinking. Little things that came as second nature with Kathryn, he found he was having to repeat again and again with Seven.

But despite his foreboding, he found that every time Seven tried to pull away from him, he was fighting to get her back again. Pleading with her to give their relationship another chance. And he had no idea why. Part of him was lonely, he knew that. But he had always been on his own, it was nothing new to him. But he didn't think that he would keep returning again and again like this to her when it was starting to feel so wrong to him…

The lights in his bedroom burst to full brightness and the comm told him to wake. He reset the chime, suddenly realising that if all went well today, this would be the last time that he ever did that.

* * *

Kathryn Janeway sat in her quarters, the lights low, a cup of coffee slowly going cold in her hand. She had heard Chakotay wake with a stifled scream again as he had the few nights previous. She had been tempted to go to him, but had then found herself wondering what had caused him to cry out and had stopped herself mid way. It would have been embarrassing to say the least if she barged in on him and Seven.

So she had just listened. And part of her was still waiting for him to show up at her door. Truth was she missed their time together. She had tried to be supportive of him in his new relationship with Seven. But she thought that she had only succeeded in driving a bigger gap between them. They hadn't spent time together in ages. And after today they never would. If all went well they would be home before dinner. She had no doubt Starfleet would send them in different directions. Crews had rarely stayed together long term since the days of Kirk.

Kathryn had never realised just how much she might miss them all. She had spent many years with these people, often good times but sometimes bad ones. She hand never really realised just how much she would miss Torn's sarcasm or B'Elanna's temper. She already desperately missed Neelix's company, his warm manner and calm, patient advice. They had become closer of late than she had thought they ever would.

When she and Chakotay had first suffered their differences, she had found a surprisingly kindred soul in Neelix. His kindness had won her through many a lonely evening that she would normally have spent with Chakotay.

She knew Neelix had found it difficult at first when they had spoken after he had left. He had been so sweet in his trying to preserve her unvoiced feelings about Chakotay; it had touched her warmly. But she had reassured him that his coaching of Seven was fine by her. Seven needed a mentor, and the Doctor's recent confessions to her had left her sadly wanting of someone in that area.

Now if everything went well today, he would be coaching neither of them again… they would be home, apart from each other for the first time in seven years. …

* * *

The Borg ship exploded. Billions of pieces of metal and debris spewed forth with the quickly stifled flames. And out of it flew a tiny little ship. But not any little ship.

" Sorry to surprise you admiral," Captain Kathryn Janeway addressed the comm screen with a tightened throat. " Next time we'll call ahead."

She watched the faintest of smiles grace Owen Paris' shocked features. Beside him, Reg looked like he was fit to burst.

Owen had said something to welcome them home, but she barely heard it. She had turned to share a moment of triumph with Chakotay as she had done many times over the last seven years, but he hadn't been next to her like he usually was. She had turned to look for him, hoping that he would perhaps be near Tuvok, as he sometimes was in a fire fight, keeping track of the situation and ready to take over should the need arise. But he hadn't been their either. She found him looking lovingly into Seven's eyes and she had wished at that very moment that one last Borg ship would appear and blow Voyager into a billion pieces and her with it. She felt her chest tighten uncontrollably. Her throat clenched and her eyes burned as if laced with acid. She forced herself to smile as she heard Tom's daughter cry out with her powerful Klingon lungs for the first time, and she felt pride as she watched the new father dash from the bridge. She turned to her first officer.

" Mr Chakotay, the helm."

'Mr Chakotay, the helm' was all that Chakotay had needed to know that things were not going to go well with Kathryn. He hadn't really expected her to leap into his arms, but he had to admit he had expected something. A call to join her in her ready room perhaps, where her excitement would get the better of her and they would hug and he would finally get the gumption up to do what he had always wanted to do. Kiss her. But his daydreams rarely dovetailed with reality, and he instead had found himself being coldly ordered to the helm. He took the seat, worked the controls, wishing desperately that he could turn to look at her. In a minute he would, he told himself, despite Seven despite everything, in a minute he would look.

But that minute never came, and before he knew it, he was landing the ship on the Presidio.

* * *

When all the pomp and circumstance that had surrounded their return to the Alpha Quadrant had died down, Chakotay felt a familiar sense of calm wash over him, felt the safety of the silence.

Silence.

He had never realised just how much noise there really was aboard Voyager, let alone the hubbub that seemed to follow their every move now that they were home. Aboard Voyager there was always some noise or sound, mechanical or organic that accompanied the ebb and flow of daily life. The pace of life since they had returned home was chaotic, and carried with it all the accompanying voices, demands, orders and reprimands that the situation demanded.

Silence.

It was something Chakotay never realised that he missed so much until now. He stepped on to the veranda of his new home, and looked out over the bay, darkly onyx now and dotted with the firefly like reflections of the city lights on the changing tide. The night was not cold, not even cool now that the month was changing from July to August. They had been home three months, even managed to squeeze in an adventure or two during that time. Over the last month though, Chakotay had been aware that they were all starting to drift apart. Daily meals and comm calls had become weekly, then more intermittent. Every one was moving on he thought, as he leaned on the railing and watcher the bay. The family that he had become so fond of that it pained him, was fast becoming no more.

The first casualty as it were had been Seven, more particularly, his relationship with Seven. He had stood in the astrometrics lab pleading with her to give their relationship time, but it was a plea that he really hadn't felt was the truth. When she had told him that she wished to explore the wider options that a life on Earth offered her, his ego had been a little bruised, but his heart was far from broken. In point of fact, he had been relieved.

Not long after Tuvok had departed home for treatment, B'Elanna had left for Borath, Tom and Miral in tow. He had felt B'Elanna's absence more keenly than he did Seven's. B'Elanna was like his sister, perhaps more his sister than his sister was. The kind of un judgemental, unconditional love, patience and understanding that she had given him was something that he had never thought that he would experience in life.

Which lead him to the other woman in his life, he thought as he leaned down onto railing, resting his head on his arms. That was what he missed so much about Kathryn, someone who he could spend time with out the need to perpetually fill the room with small talk. He had spent many an evening with Kathryn, simply reading or working on something. They had adopted different ends of the couch years ago, not long after there enforced stay on New Earth, and often adjourned together after dinner to work.

All that was gone now, he thought. He hadn't seen hide nor hair of her after they had been debriefed. She had disappeared into Starfleet Command offices and no one had really seen much of her since. Last he heard, she had taken over command of the situation near the Romulan neutral zone as the newly minted Admiral Janeway.

When Seven had called it a day on their relationship, he thought that now there would be time for them. He had long harboured the belief that when they got home, Kathryn would finally be able to discard some of the barriers between them, and they would finally have a chance.

She had hinted as much, the admiral from the future who had turned up on their proverbial doorstep. She had come to see him the first night she was aboard, fairly flying into his arms as he greeted her into his quarters.

" Admiral ?" he asked, nervously, his arms flailing awkwardly at his sides as he looked for some place appropriate to put them.

" You have no idea how good it is to see you," she finally answered, pulling away from him a little.

" Its seems that you think its good, " he replied a little cheekily, and returning his grin, Admiral Janeway disentangled herself from around him.

" Never was very good at keeping my emotions in check," she grinned, taking a little step away from him.

" Doesn't sound like the Kathryn I know," Chakotay argued as he gestured for the Admiral to take a seat.

" Yes, well…." Janeway pursed her lips, a look of annoyance spreading over her lips that Chakotay found familiar add oddly comforting," Lets just say that I won't always be the ice queen and leave it at that shall we."

" Ice queen ?" Chakotay echoed.

" I overheard Tom and Harry calling me that once," Janeway replied, and at Chakotay's alarmed look she waved his concern away," oh it was years ago, even by your calendar."

Chakotay asked her if he could get her anything, as much to ease his own unease as to be a good host. He found the situation slightly odd, talking so freely with the older version of his friend, but he also found it incredibly easy. He had already slipped into familiar banter with her.

" I never thought you liked tea," he noted as he offered her the steaming mug and took a seat on the opposite end of the couch.

" I used to hate it," his guest confessed," but a certain first officer that I know kind of talked me into it."

" Well he was obviously either a very good officer or a very brave man," Chakotay chuckled.

" I admit, the fur did fly a little," Kathryn smiled," at least until I got over the withdrawal period."

" Now that is the Kathryn that I know," Chakotay sighed.

" She's changed hasn't she," the Admiral asked of herself.

Chakotay nodded.

" You have to be patient with her, " the Admiral smiled, " and have faith."

Chakotay nodded, but it was a belief that he didn't think he could really follow. So much had changed between him and Kathryn now, the old comfortable ways seemed long gone. It wasn't until Kathryn's older self had stood and kissed him gently on his cheek, a kiss that said that if time and space and circumstances were different, the kiss would have been so much more. They had parted and then before he really had time to think it all over they were home. He and Seven amicably and eagerly parted company and he had trudged his way through long boring days pre-occupying his mind with whatever he could.

And then, as all the great adventurers that he had read about would say, he got the call.

He hadn't realised it would happen, but when it had, it had been as close to a sense of going home that he had ever felt. They had given him command of Voyager, the only place he had, strangely, ever called home.

Captain Chakotay had weathered the first few storms of command and tomorrow was due to receive aboard his new first officer. Not that the man needed welcoming aboard. Voyager had been Tom's home for a few more days than it had been his. And word had it that he couldn't wait to get back there after his sojourn on Borath.

So Chakotay had taken the night off, beamed home and indulged in a rare treat. He leaned on the veranda of his balcony, lamenting the missed opportunities of his life with a beer in hand. The view was beautiful, the beer was cold, but the Captain was lonlier than he had ever been.

* * *

Admiral Kathryn Janeway, that was the Admiral Kathryn Janeway who belonged to the here and now, looked across the bay, her coffee mug in hand.

She could hardly believe sometimes that she was looking at the real San Francisco Bay, resplendent in its Bridges and waters and iconic penal landmarks. Janeway had realised on many an occasion that it had been a long time since she had spent any length of time in San Francisco, probably no longer than a few days at a time since she had graduated the Academy. Now, after years dreaming of it, she was home.

But despite all the right landmarks, all the right people, it wasn't the home that she thought it would be. It was her pride that caused it, she knew that. His relationship with Seven was over, at least so she had heard. Part of her had been elated. The way had been cleared. She just hadn't been able to see her way to it.

The biggest problem with Kathryn Janeway, was Kathryn Janeway, she thought as she stared across the bay. Her pride now created new excuses that her sense of duty had before.

She loved Chakotay, she knew that. Without reservation. But she just couldn't swallow her pride right now to be with him. It had nothing to do with Seven being younger, at least she didn't think it did.

Kathryn sipped her coffee and watched the lights in the bay. Her counterpart had told her so much during her visit, but Kathryn's thoughts then and now latched onto the ache her heart had felt when her older self had told her that Seven had died in the arms of her husband Chakotay. Husband. Somehow, Kathryn had always thought that when she heard those words, the connection of husband to wife would be made through her. It had never occurred to her that he might marry someone else, that he would want to marry someone else. The bond that they had had was never spoken much off. It had been comfortably unspoken between them. Or at least it had been.

She had rather thrown herself into her new job, heading up diplomatic relations with the Romulans. She had been the logical choice for the job, the Starfleet brass had told her, because her absence from the quadrant during the last seven years had meant that her credibility, and more importantly, her political standpoint, hadn't been marred by the Dominion War and the vacuum of power that swept in behind them after they were defeated. She was neutral.

Neutral. Funny word.

But somehow it just about summed her up right now. Neutral was how she felt. Or didn't feel in reality. She didn't feel anything anymore, she realised.

Over the last three months she had gone from muted elation at being home, to quite unhappiness, to downright loneliness. The odd thing was that she had never felt lonelier than when she heard Chakotay was available again. Since then she had felt nothing.

Like tonight for example. She was waiting for her adjutant to put through a call to the Enterprise. She knew that she should have been elated to speak to Jean-Luc after all these years. They had always gotten along well, introduced by Will Riker to each other, what must have been nearly fifteen years ago. She should have been filled with a sense of excitement at catching up mixed in with a little dread at having to order the ship to the neutral zone in somewhat mysterious circumstances. In the real world, her mixed emotions would have been tempered with a little professionalism and the mix would have carried her through the day with ease. But she felt nothing.

She had realised things had changed, almost regressed, when she had woken this morning and found herself unconsciously pinning her hair up into the bun of steel. She hadn't worn that bun for over five years. It had been Chakotay who had encouraged her to let it down a little. He had been mortified when she had cut it short, but she had humoured him by growing it back a little.

" Admiral ?" the gentle voice of her adjutant prodded her.

" Yes, Ensign ?" Janeway almost jumped as she was pulled from her memories of Chakotay's face at her new hair style.

" The call, ma'am," the Ensign replied nervously. She was not long out of the Academy, still awed by the presence of a living legend and a little green around the edges, but Janeway had found her to be an excellent administrator. She might not ever get herself into some of the scrapes her boss had, Janeway smiled faintly as she nodded understanding, but she would never fall victim to her in tray.

" Put it through here, and then get the hell out of here and see that young man of yours," Janeway muttered. There were days the young adjutant reminded her so very much of how young Harry had once been. The difference between the young ensign whom she'd brought on board and the confidant, experienced Lieutenant reflected the lifetime of changes they had undergone.

Kathryn seated herself behind her desk, catching her reflection in the darkened screen. Her breath caught suddenly as she realised that it was almost like looking into the face that had confronted her in the corridor and told her that everything she had believed in was falling apart. The implied message had been that if Kathryn wanted to fix it, then Kathryn had to do something about it. But she just couldn't.

" Admiral Janeway," the even tones of Jean-Luc Picard chirped, drawing her from her day dreams.

" Hello Jean-Luc," and with those words, she slipped into the cultivated persona she had crafted for herself, issuing orders to send her friend into what obviously was going to be a trap of some kind.

The Romulans wanting to talk, was nothing new. The Romulans wanting to talk and actually sticking to that, well that would be unprecedented if it were true.

* * *

Chakotay had watched Kathryn for a week. It seemed some things never changed. Kathryn had quickly adapted to the mission given her and had wasted no time in establishing her routine. He was loathe to bother her at home. He knew how much a safe sanctuary to retreat to meant to her. If be barged in at home and pushed thugs too far for her, he would take that sanctuary from her and that was something he just couldn't do.

So he waited for her morning coffee run. At least if it went badly, he thought, he could claim it was an accidental meeting. Taking a deep breath he entered the café and sidled in beside her in the queue, much to the annoyance of a lieutenant- commander from Research.

"Morning Kathryn." He smiled as he slid in beside her.

"Commander," Janeway replied, startled, barely catching her breath before the come did herself, "Sorry I mean Captain".

Chakotay looked self consciously to me extra pip on his collar.

"My apologies also. Admiral now I see."

Kathryn couldn't waste a gentle smile. He had always known her thoughts on promotion to the desktop brigade.

"The damn brass caught me unawares. They got me."

"So is it congratulations or commiserations?" Chakotay asked grinning.

"Both"

Chakotay authorised payment for the coffee and followed Kathryn to the table she always took with the view of the bay. They sat quietly taking sips from their drinks, admiring the view and surveying each other. He noted the hair had gone back into the bun of steel. Even after all these years and all the different hairstyles it still pained him that she kept her beautiful red hair trussed up.

" So how's Seven ?" Kathryn asked finally, her voice a little harder edged than she had intended.

She noticed Chakotay bristle ever so slightly. He looked better now, healthier than he had ever done. A shot of grey had crept into his normally dark hair, which was shorter now and brushed forward over his forehead as he had done once on their mission to 20th century LA and was prone to doing on Voyager when he went boxing. She had to admit it suited him.

Drawing his own thoughts from Kathryn's red hair, he listened to her awkwardness as she spoke. He had expected something to be said, but nothing so forthright. He looked up at Kathryn, watched her face remain stone-like, flat and featureless. Her eyes seemed cold. Part of Chakotay was grateful that at least they weren't filled with abject hate and disdain. Other parts of him felt hollowed by the absence of the woman he had come to know and love on Voyager. He forced a broad smile.

" I think you know the answer to that," he said, a hint of playfulness in his voice trying to lighten the heaviness between them.

" I had heard rumours, "Kathryn began lightly.

" All true," Chakotay grinned, cutting in with a chuckle.

Kathryn smiled ever so slightly and Chakotay felt his heart leap. He smiled at her as they sipped their coffee quietly.

" What happened ?" Kathryn asked eventually.

" I happened," Chakotay sighed, " When I stood on that presidio parade ground when we got home, it felt like waking up from a dream."

Kathryn nodded, as if part of her deep inside understood how rare and privileged their cosseted little life in the Delta Quadrant had been. The reality of the change to the sometimes mundane nature of life in the Alpha Quadrant was very much like ripping oneself from a dream.

" It was like I suddenly realised what an idiot I had been," Chakotay continued, feeling as comfortable and open with Kathryn as they had ever been over the years," It was like realising I had had a mid life crisis."

" It was a very beautiful mid life crisis," Kathryn offered in.

" But a lonely one," Chakotay replied. " You know what they say. You don't realise what you have until you don't have it anymore. I was used to a familiarity in my life. I missed it when I was with Seven."

He hoped that Kathryn would read between the lines of what he was trying to say. He had come here to declare his love for her, but he was no love sick fool. He had to be sure he was certain before he potentially ruined everything was good and decent about his life.

" I think a lot of peoples lives changed when we got home," Kathryn muttered," People like Tom and Harry have thrived, or in Tom's case, re-thrived back here. Others seem to have lost their way."

" You ?" Chakotay asked, concern creeping into his voice.

Kathryn nodded.

" I guess I should be lucky that they didn't keel haul me and toss me out to pasture. And the job they have given me is crucial and the neutrality that our time away has given me is critical to the process but…."

" Its still not a Starship," Chakotay cut in.

" Its not Voyager," Janeway corrected.

" Its still in the family," he offered her by way of compensation.

" And that's the only thing that stopping it hurting a damn sight more than it already does," she smiled at him. " I have never been prouder of you than the day they told me you would get Voyager, Chakotay. Don't ever think my own personal sour grapes will detract from my pride in you, and in Tom and Harry for what you managed to achieve, and what you will achieve on that ship."

" I'm sure we would all happily drop a grade to have you back," Chakotay offered, a few seconds of silence passing before he added," I know I would."

He thought he caught a look out of her peripheral vision, but if she had darted a look towards him, she had hidden it well. If there was ever going to be a time, he told himself, now was it. But before he could open his mouth to tell her, Kathryn began to speak.

" The past is the past, Chakotay," she muttered," and we can't go back in time. Some things are meant to be a certain way. Voyager is in very capable hands and you have a whole new career in front of you."

Chakotay began to feel his heart slam nervously in his chest. There was something about the look in Kathryn's eyes, the finality of her words that began to ring alarm bells in Chakotay's head. It was the same withdrawn look she had had in the Void, when she had wanted nothing to do with the bridge, the ship or him.

" Kathryn ?" he asked, drawing her attention to him," What about you ?"

" I'll be fine. I have a mission to accomplish and you know what I am like when I get my mind set on a goal," she replied, but there was no grin or chuckle of humour that would have usually followed her self-deprecating humour.

" We'll always be here," Chakotay offered, taking the plunge and reaching out his hand to take hers." I will always be here."

Janeway snapped her hand from his.

" Thank you, Captain, but I will be fine. And you have your own mission to worry about."

There was a finality and sense of completeness about her words that told Chakotay everything he needed to know. He had been wrong in coming here. The Kathryn he had known and love was gone, buried beneath a cultivated air of admiral hood that Kathryn had created. He desperately wanted to know why she had changed, but his greatest urge was to run. The last vestiges of pride he had told him to stay.

" Actually," Kathryn said finally," I was about meaning to talk to you about something."

Chakotay heard her words faintly, though he was unable to look away from his mug as she spoke..

" I have a mission for you," Kathryn said flatly, the same face of pure business that she had showed when she had first met him, when he had been merely her first officer, a long way from being her dearest friend and confidante.

Chakotay tried to keep his face neutral, forcing a smile that he didn't feel.

" A mission ?" he echoed dumbly, wondering how for all their hope, they had ended up back where they began.

" Yes captain," Kathryn replied formerly, severing their ties to each other even more in as basic a manner that she thought even sweet natured Chakotay couldn't misinterpret.

He didn't.

Nodding briefly, Chakotay listened to his orders. Deep inside, he felt as if what gave him life seemed to knot up. He gritted his teeth, his jaw tight with emotion and forced the urge to run away.

" Your orders Admiral ?" he finally asked.

* * *

Kathryn entered her apartment and slumped into the chair. She had felt the tears welling up from within her as soon as Chakotay had curtly acknowledged his orders and left without another word. They began to fall now, silently, as she played the scene over and over in her head again.

She had felt the first happiness she had known in a long while since they had gotten home when he had approached her and called her name. The same sense of security and comfort that she had felt everyday as they had sat beside each other on the bridge of Voyager washed back over, filling her with something that she hadn't realised she was missing so desperately, the warmth and peace of a friend.

However she desperately wanted to maintain distance, keep their relationship purely on the professional. She had known for a long while that she was a changed woman compared to the one he had known aboard Voyager. It wasn't the same kind of depression that she had felt through out her life on occasion, many bouts of which it had been only Chakotay who could rescue her from it. She was fairly sure that the last few months on Voyager, when her relationship with Chakotay had taken a different turn had played some part, but the reintergration into life in the Alpha Quadrant had been the final nail in the coffin. They had pinned the admirals bars on her uniform that day it felt, and had taken away what made her her. Day by day she had watched herself disappear in the mirror, replaced by the bitter jaded woman who had infiltrated the hub and infected the queen enough to get them home.

She winced when she remembered the look on Chakotay's face. He was one of her oldest, dearest friends now. He had in all truthfulness been nothing if not completely honest with her ever since they had known each other. It was that honesty that had led him to separate from Seven and that honesty that had brought him to her seeking a life together that they had once had. A life that it seemed they both realised they missed desperately. A life in a little cabin in the woods. A life together.

But she just couldn't bring herself to say yes to his unspoken question

It was her, she knew that, not him. She had twisted herself into the same bitter warped figure she had promised Chakotay that she would never be. She was nothing like what he would remember her as. She was twisted by the events that had gotten them home, twisted by the events that had taken place when they had gotten here. She had twisted her own feelings about Chakotay. She loved him desperately and until today she had thought that they would still have a chance together. But as he offered her life, she realised that she couldn't take it. If he stayed with her as she was, he would end up hating her.

There was a time when she would have said that she and Chakotay understood everything about each other, their faults as well as their virtues. Over time and years of surviving together that understanding had deepened readily driving them when they were down, encouraging one when things got brighter. They had had their fair share of fights, arguments and disagreements, but they had never ever hated each other. If they pursued the relationship when she was filled with such negativity and pessimism that jaded part of her soul would rub off on him, and he was too good for that

That was why she had to send him away…

* * *

Kathryn Janeway was actually relieved when Praetor Shinzon did double cross them. Not that she had wanted to see the Enterprise attacked, nothing of the sort, but the fact that the Romulans hadn't changed one bit in her absence was comforting. As the situation revealed a splinter cell government prepared to talk, so the situation became ever more precarious out there, and it gave her a more than welcome chance to bury herself in her job again and thoroughly absolve her of the need to examine and deal with her own feelings. The others had tried to contact her lately, as they each began to hear of the new project she was involved in. She knew that soon Chakotay would try to contact her again, to try one final time as he checked that she was ok. With the Enterprise damaged and limping its way back to space dock, there was a need to put a presence back in the neutral zone to help stabilise the situation. She had spoken with Jean-Luc Picard, debriefed him on his actions in the neutral zone and they had both agreed that Will Riker was the logical choice to return and lead the mission, be the lead captain in the task force that she had planned……

* * *

William T Riker, captain of the USS Titan entered his ready room and slumped behind his desk. He understood now why Captain Picard cherished the time so much when he had been able to escape from the bridge. The position of first officer was notoriously busy one, and it had kept him challenged for the best part of fifteen years on the Enterprise. But he had never really appreciated just how much busier the captain must have been. Will's desk was piled high with reports, reports on reports and reports of reports on reports. He groaned loudly as the door chimed.

" Come in," he sighed.

Will heard the doors open and foot falls as someone entered.

" Funny," the gentle voice called over the stacks of padds, " I have a desk that looks just like this."

Will looked up with a grin.

" Well, I'll be," he chuckled as he pushed away from the desk and walked around, had extended, " what the hell are you doing out here."

Chakotay grinned as he returned Will's handshake.

" Apparently, you are to be in charge of a task force."

" So they tell me,"

" Well, I'm your taskforce."

Will shook his head slightly, a knowing grin spreading across his features.

" I thought she was supposed to be your friend," Will asked as he ordered up two teas from the replicator.

" So did I," Chakotay nodded ruefully, thanking Will for the drink.

Captain Chakotay knew exactly why they were here. His proposal to Kathryn hadn't gone exactly the way he had hoped. She hadn't flat out rejected him in so many words, but a posting to the opposite end of the galaxy was a fair sign that he had taken a step too far. He hadn't had chance to get hold of her again, to apologise and find out what was going on. it was obvious that she wasn't well. He had seen that look on her face before. He had barely had time to ask B'Elanna to keep an eye on her before his ship was ordered away.

It was funny, he thought, as he stood in front of his old friend Will. They had survived all the plagues of biblical hell on the way home. They had been attacked, violated assaulted, embroiled in wars and beaten to hell on more occasions than he could ever count. But they had always had each other. The crew had been his family. Kathryn had been his life. They had kept each other sane, even when they were infuriating each other to distraction. Now that they had gotten home, things seemed to have fallen apart. What had kept Kathryn sane in the Delta Quadrant was now driving her into seclusion. What had kept them together was now driving them apart.

But if Kathryn thought that Chakotay was going to let a posting to the opposite end of the galaxy stop him, then she didn't know him as well as she thought. He wasn't about to give up on just one no. Sometimes he thought, remembering old times, you had to save Kathryn from herself. As soon as this mission was over he would get back home the fastest way possible. He would sort out whatever muddle was rattling around Kathryn's head and then he would make sure she damn well listened to the proposal he had to make.

Knowing Kathryn, she wouldn't, but Chakotay was a man of almost infinite patience. He would just keep on asking until she saw sense. With a wide smile, he returned his attention to Riker.

" Well, " Will grinned as he gestured towards the stacked piles of padds, knowing that in time his friend would tell him what was causing that silly grin on his face," there's certainly plenty of work to do. The quicker we get this done, the faster we can all get home."

" Where do you want to start," Chakotay grinned, as he sipped down his tea and reached for the first stack.

* * *

I know everyone was expecting the happy ending to come in this chapter, but I decided that was what everyone does...so I am going to have a stab and an original (in the loosest sense of the word) chapter next ...hopefully the pay off will out way the frustration.


	11. Chapter 11

_**DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount.**_

_**AUTHOR: Riverhawk**_

_**NOTES: For Mab13j**_

_**Part 11 – Darkest Hour**_

Chakotay felt his way along the damp, sometimes slimy wall. He knew every inch of those walls by touch now. But what he was looking for was the rough etching of tallied marks that he had scratched into the wall in the far left corner at around chest height. His fingers found the markings, traced along to the last one, and carefully next to it, Chakotay began another.

Fifteen. He had etched fifteen now. Every morning, or what he supposed to be morning, he etched one on the wall as soon as he had finished his daily portion of the gruel served for breakfast. So, he thought to himself as he slid back down the wall and rested on his haunches, he had been here at least fifteen days, where ever here was.

If he added on a few days that he had spent in the interrogation room under the less than careful ministrations of his guards, he had to have been missing for at least twenty days. By his reckoning, it wouldn't be much longer before he got out of here.

Funny, he idly thought to himself, he kept saying here, but the truth was he had no idea where here was. After days under the bright lights of his interrogators, he had been thrown into this cell, and since then he had not seen an ounce of daylight.

At first, after so much bright light and radiant heat, he had found the darkness a relief, cool and pleasant. It had taken a full day for panic to set in, when he suddenly realised that was likely to have been the last light that he would ever see. Trying to calm himself with some of the exercises his father and grandfather had taught him as a boy, he had gotten to know his surroundings by sound alone.

As far as he could tell, he had perhaps half a dozen or so neighbours. They rarely called out, though he had been woken many a night by the terrifying screams of his sleeping fellow inmates. The noisiest, who seemed directly opposite his cell when he sat facing his cell door, he had named North. North called out a lot at night, Chakotay thought, or was it just that North was closer and he heard him more? East could be heard in the very small hours scratching. Chakotay wasn't sure whether he was trying to dig himself a tunnel into the bedrock with his meal spoon, or whether he was writing his memoirs on the wall. Of all of them, it was West that got to him most. West called out nearly all the time for some named Elloera. Chakotay seemed to know straight away the first time that he heard West, that Elloera was someone special. As he lay one night listening to the whimpering and moaning coming from the direction of West's cell, he found himself thinking of Kathryn.

And the first thought that he had was that she was going to be madder than hell when she found out he had gone and gotten himself captured.

He imagined the look on her face as she sat staring at her comm screen, her hair now refashioned into that bun he so hated. She would purse her lips as Will Riker gave her his report, her jaw tensing. She would agree that it was the right decision to withdraw from the rendezvous area, and she would offer her support for Tom Paris as acting captain. She would tell Will and Tom that she would meet with a few people to discuss options and then she would get back to them. The screen would go dark, and Kathryn Janeway would suddenly seem to spring to life as she hurled her coffee mug against the nearby bulkhead and uttered unladylike curses. She would no doubt question his parentage, his captor's parentage and the parentage of the universe as a whole before she calmed down. But through out all, she remained beautiful, the Irish temper in her only making her more beautiful as he watched her. Over the last few days he had been sure he could see her standing in front of him when he had opened his eyes to the darkness. He had even caught himself calling her name a few times, and then realised that he was becoming like North howling into the darkness, and like West, pining for a mirage.

That was when he had decided that he would build his house. He had read somewhere once about a prisoner in some forgotten war on earth who had spent years captive in near darkness. To preserve his faculties, the man had built a house from scratch in his head. Each day he went to work with a game plan, a game plan in which he measured and cut every timber, hit every nail. Each day he stayed one step closer to sanity when all of those around him seemed to become more disconnected.

Now, a fortnight into his own build, Chakotay had poured foundations, laid down most of his utilities and was beginning to look at framing. He had wondered if his ability to lucid dream had helped him, or whether he was really just daydreaming, but after an hour or so considering the subject, he decided it didn't matter a damn either way. Instead he had begun to plan rooms out, paying particular attention to a workshop he planned for himself and a study he planned for Kathryn.

Chakotay had fought against the image of Kathryn in his mind for a few days after he realised that he was becoming more like West, talking to illusions. He still feared the loss of his sanity. But after the walls began to close in on him, not that he could see them, it had occurred to him that Kathryn was, and had always been, the key to Chakotay's sanity. She had kept him whole during many a dark time in the Delta Quadrant, even when she couldn't show her affection for him. Chakotay had realised that if Kathryn were here in person, she would do and say everything her mirage did, if it meant keeping him alive.

That was when Chakotay had elected to build a house for the both of them. That was when Chakotay realised that if he ever got out of here to see her again, there was no way that he was going to give up on a relationship with her ever again. Smiling into the darkness, Chakotay began to decorate Kathryn's office. He decided to paint it beige. She had once told him that she always looked better in beige. He couldn't disagree.

* * *

Tom surveyed the faces before him on the bridge of Voyager. There were a few new faces, especially at Conn, but there were also enough familiar faces, mostly ex-maquis, to understand that this bridge had never seen darker times.

Three weeks had passed. Everyday either he or Riker had contacted the Romulan authorities and every day they had received the same answer. Radiation prevented the rescue teams from reaching the site of the blast that had claimed over a hundred Romulan lives, two Bajorans, three Vulcans and one human. The Bajorans and Vulcans weren't known to the crew of Voyager personally, but the human was. He was their captain and friend, Chakotay.

The comms panel chirped on queue, 9 am as it had done everyday for three weeks. Tom felt his insides knot again, and looked to see his apprehension reflected in Harry's face. Will Riker, captain of the lead ship of Voyager's expedition to Romulus, the Titan, nodded to Harry and the view screen shifted from the star fields to the familiar face of Attaché Toral.

" Toral," Will nodded a curt greeting.

The Romulan bowed. He was a young man, no older than Harry, and about as low as they came on the Romulan governmental food chain. The situation warranted contact with a senator or an ambassador at least. They had however been assigned Toral, fourth attaché to adjutant Marek, a clerk to the office of Praetor Tal'aura. If Tom and Will hadn't been burdened with finding the fate of their missing crewmen, they suspected that Federation would have lodged a diplomatic protest at the affront. Frankly Will didn't give a damn. He had five crewmen and a good friend missing and his patience for waiting was only so finite.

" Good Morning Captain, Commander," Toral replied.

" Any news this morning," Tom asked,

The paused that followed his question instead of the usual apologies and prevarications, warned both the officers that something was coming.

" The rescue teams were able to reach the blast point this morning," the attaché said gravely.

" Did they find survivors ?" Will asked.

Toral shook his head.

" Bodies," Tom offered, his gut knotting even further.

Toral shook his head again.

" Then what?"

" Nothing," the aide replied, " they found literally nothing. A crater measuring several dozen metres across was all that was visible."

" Could we talk to the team ?" Will asked, " perhaps we can reconstruct something from what they saw. Perhaps there were things that would seem more evident to Federation citizens than Romulan, something you might have missed."

" I am afraid that will not be possible," Toral apologised, looking away from the two officers on his screen.

" Look if it's about security issues or recompense, I'm sure Starfleet will make it worth the while of the Romulan government to aid us in this," Tom bargained.

" You misunderstand me, Commander Paris," Toral apologised again," I am afraid that it is not for security reasons that you cannot talk to the team. My superiors tell me that we would help in anyway possible if they could. I am afraid that you cannot speak to the team, because the last member succumbed to illness related to the radiation an hour ago. All the team are dead."

Silence had affected the crew of the bridge many times over the years, but Tom had never felt it this heavy. Chakotay had been more than just another crew member, he had been the glue that had held the crew together. He had prevailed where Janeway had succumbed to her own demons, held fast where others had weakened. He had been like a father to them all and Tom sighed, he had been his friend.

Paris was drawn from his reverie as he heard Will swallow hard.

" Thank you for informing us Toral," he said brokenly," On behalf of the Federation, will you please express our sympathies to the families of the rescue team for their loss. Without their sacrifice, we would not be able to put this chapter behind us."

Toral seemed taken aback by the sentiment, but bowed deeply in acceptance and promised to convey the condolences. Will promised not to let the incident impact in anyway upon the re-evaluation of the Treaty of Algeron or the Federations efforts to aid Romulan reconstruction, before he closed the channel and slumped deeply into the nearest chair.

" Damn," he muttered.

"So that's it?" Harry called out.

He looked from face to face. His look implored them all to feel as bereft as he was equally enraged. Finally his gaze settled on Paris, and he saw the same pleading look in his friend's eyes as he had the last time they thought they had lost Chakotay, marooned on the planet he and Janeway had called New Earth. Again as before, it was Tom who pleaded with him not to fight the inevitable

" Harry," Tom pleaded..

" We're just going to give up," Harry continued, ignoring Tom's plea.

" There's nothing to give up on. They're dead!" Tom suddenly barked, spinning all his own anger and frustration in Harry's direction.

" We should still bring back the bodies," Harry argued, unfazed by his friend outburst.

Will watched the interchange between the two men. He watched Paris swallow his temper down hard, work hard to muster up his professional demeanour. He was after all, the acting captain now. But Will remembered all too well the sense of hopelessness that followed the loss of a ship's captain. He had felt the rage and hurt himself when he thought he had lost Picard to the Borg, and again a few years later, when they had thought him killed in a bar fight. With all Harry and Tom had been through in the Delta Quadrant with Chakotay and survived, it must have seemed senseless now to lose him at home

" There's nothing to bring back," Tom replied hoarsely, but evenly, drawing Will back to the conversation at hand.

" He was my friend Harry," Tom continued, "He was as much family as you. If I could bring him home, believe me I would."

Harry's shoulders slumped in defeat, his eyes dampened. He couldn't remember a time when he hadn't been surrounded by all the people he cared the most deeply about. He had found it difficult when they had returned to Earth and that family had, for the most part, gone different ways. He was so used to having them around. Janeway's guidance, Seven's insight, Tuvok's logic, B'Elanna's passion….even Doc's whining. Chakotay had been like a father, teaching him, guiding him. Harry had most appreciated that Chakotay had let him make his own mistakes but had been there to pick him up after. The new lieutenant had dropped a more prestigious offer of an assignment at Engineering design to return to Voyager when he had heard that Chakotay was to command her again.

Eventually Harry nodded, slipping resignedly back into the chair by his station.

Tom returned his attention to Riker.

" A lot of us were very close to Captain Chakotay, " he offered as explanation and apology to Will.

" I know the feeling," Riker smiled weakly," When we thought we had lost Captain Picard once to a bunch of mercenaries, I was prepared to move heaven and hell to avenge his death. Some people impact our lives more deeply than others."

Tom nodded.

" I'm going to return to the Titan, make my report to Starfleet," Will continued," My wife is a counsellor, I'd be more than happy to assign her here temporarily if you think your crew could make use of her."

Tom glanced sideways at Harry.

" I think there are a few here who would appreciate Commander Troi's help, thank you sir," Tom sighed.

" Soon as she is ready, Deanna will be over. " Will replied, tapping his chest.

Before he could speak again, Tom cut in.

" Sir, can I ask a couple of favours," Tom asked.

Will nodded. " Anything,"

" Delay sending your report to Starfleet Command."

" Why ?" the elder captain asked.

" I would like to call my wife first," Tom replied.

" I know they were close, but I'm sure your wife would understand hearing second hand," Will argued gently. He eyed him curiously; surprised that Paris would ask a personal favour at such a time as this.

Tom smiled. Thinking about B'Elanna had been the only thing that had managed to make him smile in the last three weeks.

" Yes sir, she would understand," Tom agreed," But it's not B'Elanna I'm worried about. There is someone else who deserves to hear first……….. And who deserves to hear it from a friend and not over a comm."

Will nodded in sudden understanding.

" We're they close ?" he asked.

Tom nodded sadly.

" Very……. but not as close as they deserved."

Tom Paris hoped that of all people, Will Riker would understand what he meant. Chakotay had told Tom over dinner one evening with Riker and his wife, that Will had very nearly missed a good thing in his relationship with Deanna, caught up in boundaries and the like. No one had missed the sadness in Chakotay's voice as he toasted the couple's rediscovery of each other. Tom just hoped that Riker remembered now. He did.

" Done. Two hours okay ?"

Tom nodded gratefully.

" Any thing else?," Will asked.

" I need you to call in any favours you have. She will want to come here. She'll need transport," Tom informed him.

Will smiled. As a matter of fact, he knew just the man due to leave orbit.

" Done"

* * *

Kathryn Janeway watched the lights of the houses beside the bay dance across the water and tried to convince herself that they reminded her of stars. But the colours were wrong, the dance on the water unfamiliar. They were nothing but spots of light in a black evening.

Janeway turned away from the window and looked around her equally dark apartment. She hadn't bothered to turn the lights on when she had returned home, instead preferring to wander in a darkness that matched her mood. It wasn't hard. There was nothing here to say that this was Kathryn Janeway's home, not like aboard Voyager. On Voyager she had accumulated dozens of mementos and pieces of furniture. As much as she enjoyed her current assignment to the admiralty, she had decided after the difficulty of separating herself from her life and things aboard Voyager, not to mention some of the people, she would never get as attached to one place again. As a result her quarters were Spartan and utilitarian. There was a replicator in the kitchen (well programmed with coffee), a desk to work at, a bed to sleep in (when she wasn't camping out in her office on the couch) and a sofa. The last, the sofa, was a conciliatory effort to accommodate the many friends and family when they visited, both those from before she went away and those she made while away. It served her purposes, but it wasn't, and she doubted ever would be, home.

No, home, she realised now, was orbiting the Romulan home world. She looked again at the day's intelligence reports regarding the mission she had sent her former first officer there to do. She hadn't been surprised when she had read that Reman pro –Shinzon factions , still believed by Starfleet Intelligence to be collusion with Praetor Tal'aura, though no evidence could be found, had rioted at the conference talks. She had been even less surprised when one extremist had detonated a deuterium bomb that had all but destroyed the conference facility and most of the attendees, leaving the whole area bathed in quantum radiation. She had expressed her doubts on the veracity of Romulan peace talks to the admiralty even before she had ordered Picard to the Neutral Zone months before. She had doubted them even more after the Shinzon affair. Which was why, along with her personal reasons, she had sent Chakotay and Voyager to join the task force. Chakotay had no Alpha Quadrant bias in Federation/Romulan negotiations, and no agenda regarding the Treaty of Algeron. He would continue to be her eyes and ears there as he had been for years in the Delta Quadrant.

And he had, sending a written report at 21.00 hours each day. Until the day after the conference bombing. She had waited but nothing had arrived. She thought perhaps he had been busy with aid efforts and had waited patiently til the following evening, when again nothing had come. She had tried to contact Voyager to speak to Chakotay herself, but found herself denied by Starfleet Intelligence. Voyager was under a communications black out. After three days she had put a private call through to Tuvok on the Titan, hoping to get answers. It was Tuvok who had told her that Chakotay had been among the Federation delegation at the Conference. They had had no contact with him since the explosion.

Janeway had wanted to go there, but Tuvok had argued, with implacable, insurmountable logic, that she could do more at Command. She had stayed, rooted herself in command and waited for answers. The depression she had suffered from since her return to the Alpha Quadrant seemed to creep in on her further as she waited. Slowly, but surely she had started to refuse to see people, only speaking to a selected few. Finally, after three weeks living in her office, Owen Paris had ordered her home, with threats of doctors, demotion, exile and penal servitude if she didn't go. She had been home three hours and the walls were already starting to creep in on her in the darkness again.

Kathryn was contemplating the darkness, her foolishness for accepting promotion and giving up command of Voyager and her complicated relationship with Chakotay when the door chime sounded, echoing in the spartan darkness of the room. Kathryn considered ignoring it. Whoever it was would eventually give up and go away, she hoped. If it was about Voyager, command would have called her. She really had no interest in whoever stood there leaning on her door chime.

beep………..

beep………..

beep………..

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP……………

Anger flared in Kathryn as the final chime echoed on and on and on, carving chaos in her perfect dark solitude. As she stormed to the door, she remembered another time when she had buried herself in the darkness of her own quarters, against the world. It was only Chakotay who had saved her from herself. She ripped open the door, intent on hurling a creative combination of insults at whoever dared interrupt her reverie. But the words caught in her throat as she saw B'Elanna stood there, cradling infant Miral in her arms.

" B'Elanna ?" she whispered.

" I'm sorry to hang on your door chime...."

" That's okay. What on Earth are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

Janeway leaned out and took Miral from B'Elanna as she motioned her inside the apartment. B'Elanna slid off her coat and followed her former commander into the dark apartment.

" Lights," Kathryn called out. She settled herself onto the sofa, still cradling Miral, as if she were her sole link to her past life "It's a little late to be out with this little one isn't it ?"

" Owen is at headquarters, and Tom's mother is away on Vulcan. I had no choice," she apologised.

" What's so important that it couldn't wait til morning," Kathryn chided, fussing over the baby, all her earlier dark thoughts erased by the little ray of light in her arms.

B'Elanna watched her friend fuss. Tom had told her once, that Kathryn would always fuss over her god daughter as if she were the child she never had, that Miral meant more to her than just the first baby born on the return to the Alpha Quadrant, even if he could never really put into words why. He said that it might have something to do with sharing her duty as god parent with Chakotay, but had refused to elaborate further.

" Tom called," she finally muttered.

Kathryn's head shot up from her cooing over Miral, her smile gone, her sunken tired eyes examining B'Elanna for a clue.

" A Romulan rescue team made it to the site of the explosion," B'Elanna continued awkwardly. How many times had Janeway sat before her with some bad news of one type or another? B'Elanna had never realised just how much it had taken her to do it until now.

" And," Janeway pushed, her voice icily cold, as neutral as she could possibly muster, a barrier against her feelings. But the way she cradled Miral even closer, was enough to tell B'Elanna just how vulnerable her former captain really was feeling.

" The Romulans reported no survivors. Even there search team succumbed to radiation poisoning. There's no way that Chakotay could have survived".

Deep down, Kathryn had known what was coming. If it had been good news, B'Elanna would have just called. In fact Tom would have called Janeway himself. You only sent a friend when the news was bad. The signs Janeway had noted but refused to admit now glared at her, unmistakeable. The redness of B'Elanna's eyes, left over from her own expression of grief. The awkwardness with which her former engineer sat, even though Janeway's spartan apartment was like a second home for her since Tom had shipped out. Kathryn felt suddenly cold, a shiver racing through her. She felt like cradling Miral tighter, to share in the baby's fresh innocent warmth. Instead she handed her to her mother. She was shaking ever so slightly.

" He's dead ?"

B'Elanna nodded. She made a nest of pillows from the cushions on the sofa and laid the now slumbering Miral in it, returning to sit beside Kathryn.

" Tom thought you would rather hear it from one of us, than some adjutant," the former engineer replied as she sat down beside her friend.

Kathryn reached out, taking B'Elanna's had and squeezing it warmly as she forced a smile and nodded her agreement and understanding. Janeway reminded B'Elanna of Tom's rather sweet grandmother.

Kathryn stood to stare out of the window again. The lights across the bay had dimmed with the advancing evening. She remembered the evening of the welcome home ball.

_It had seemed to her that everyone from every inch of the Federation had wanted to speak to her that evening. No sooner had she finished answering some question or other for someone, than the next person appeared with another. She caught sight of Chakotay several times that evening, as besieged by dignitaries and officials as she was. She had expected Seven to be with him, but had been told by a rather gleeful EMH, that they had chosen to discontinue their relationship. She remembered part of her heart soaring as she was led away by yet another official._

_She had finally managed to escape later that evening, savouring the quiet cool breeze that washed in off the bay. She had spent so long being spoke to, spoken at and spoken about in the last few days, she had forgotten how wonderful silence was. She could hear the gentle lap of the waves against the pontoon that lay across the immaculately tended lawn in front of her and smiled to herself. It had been a long, long time since she had heard the lap of waves. It had been after another brush with death, on a replicated Lake Como with Chakotay……_

_" There you are," the familiar voice whispered from behind her, as eager to avoid drawing attention as she was. " You know your not supposed to escape unless your first officer gets to go too."_

_He grinned widely and she couldn't help but smile._

_"With that pack of vultures?" she countered, jutting her chin in the direction of the ball room, " hey its every man, woman and child for themselves."_

_He raised his glass to her, and both toasted the quiet moments, for however long they would likely last. They walked slowly together across the lawn towards the sound of the water, eventually sitting on the pontoon, their feet dangling just above the water. The breeze picked gently around them, and though she wasn't cold, Kathryn accepted Chakotay's dress uniform coat with a smile. _

_" I hate all this pomp and circumstance," she sighed._

_" Me too," he agreed._

_" I was surprised you were here," Kathryn noted._

_" Why?"_

_" You hate ceremonies. "_

_" I hate a lot of things, doesn't mean I don't do them," he chuckled. " Besides you were here. I wouldn't be much of a first officer, not to mention a best friend, if I weren't here to support my Captain in her darkest hour."_

_" Well your presence is greatly appreciated," she smiled," and thank you for rescuing me."_

_" From what ?" Chakotay asked nonchalantly_

_" You know as well as I do that you deliberately subjected yourself to some of those idiotic questions. Don't think I didn't see you deflecting some of those officials."_

_" What's a first officer for," Chakotay smiled back," but I have to admit, I think our situation tonight was inflicted on us by a bad decision you made."_

_Kathryn's face dropped suddenly as she stopped mid sip and turned to face the man beside her. Her decisions being called into question was rather a sore point with her at the moment._

_" Commander ?" she asked._

_Chakotay chuckled at the change in Kathryn's expression._

_" What I meant is that you brought this on us by allowing Neelix to leave the ship. He would have seen off those officials and whipped up a leola root stew while he was at it" he grinned. He only grinned wider when he saw the relieved expression wash over Kathryn and felt a friendly, but no less hefty punch on his shoulder._

_" Don't you ever do that to me again," she admonished him," I don't think I could get through any of this if I thought you were against me."_

_The bemused smile on Chakotay's face faded as he realised the import of Kathryn's words. He suddenly felt guilty for frightening her._

_" Kathryn, you will never be alone," he told her, his voice as full of commitment as it had ever been," I will always be here for you."_

_Kathryn smiled up at him, bringing her hand up to rest on the side of his face._

_" I know I've been hard on you the last few years," she whispered to him._

_" No you haven't…" he began, but a rather familiar glare from Kathryn melted any further words he might have had._

_" I have …. and I'm sorry," she cut in, and glared at him again as he opened his mouth to argue, promptly closing it again." But I couldn't have ever…ever…. done it without you………thank you."_

_Chakotay leaned in to her hand, sensing that perhaps now was the time to take advantage of the second chance offered to him. Once or twice he had come close to telling her outright what he had told her in his body language and his heart a thousand times before. She had always looked away, broken the link between them…….today her eyes never left him._

_" There you two are," the familiar laughing tones of Tom Paris called out._

_If Chakotay hadn't known better, he might have thought the Lieutenant planned this. Seven years ago, he would have laid odds on it. Now, all those years on, he would have laid odds on Paris waiting for moment he had just intruded on. He would have won the betting pool._

_" What can we do for you Mr Paris," Janeway replied, her hand slipping from her first officer's face._

_" Don't shoot the messenger, " Paris pleaded raising his hand in surrender, " but my dad is looking for you. Something about a speech to the troops….."_

_" Of for crying out loud….." Janeway muttered under her breath._

_" Sorry Captain," Tom apologised again as he took the hand the captain offered and helped her to her feet, not missing the look that shot from Chakotay." You know, I'm sure Dad won't mind a few more minutes. I always was lousy at finding the people he sent me after when I was a kid. He wouldn't be surprised if it took me a while to find you."_

_" Paris is right," Chakotay argued, grabbing hold of her other hand," Stay."_

_Tom nodded and suddenly felt the urge to agree with the EMH that he had an awful sense of shook her head and patted Tom's arm understandingly._

" _That's okay, Tom. Duty calls," she replied as she turned and looked back down at Chakotay, offering her hand to help him up._

_" I might just stay here a while," the commander murmured, looking away from Kathryn and out towards the dance of the city lights on the water across the bay. _

_" Thought you said you would see me through this," she chuckled, her hand still held out for him, but Chakotay didn't take it. He didn't even look round._

_" You don't need me. "_

_She had looked at Chakotay's back and smiled sadly, suddenly realising the separate paths that lay before the both of them now. It wasn't spoken, but she knew Chakotay. Nodding quietly, she turned and followed Paris, who had discreetly backed away from the moment before him. She would miss her friend…………_

"….I miss more than my friend," Kathryn whispered into the darkened room, pushing away the memory.

She sank to the floor, her body propped up against the glass before her, her thoughts lost in the years behind her. She didn't hear B'Elanna or the words that followed. She didn't hear her young friend tell her to try and get some sleep, that she would be back in the morning. She didn't hear the old fashioned door click quietly shut. She didn't see the rain beyond her window start to fall, San Francisco's echo to her falling tears.

* * *

Tom keyed off the comm link as Deanna Troi entered the ready room

" I'm sorry, am I interupting?" she asked, backing towards the door.

Tom stood up and swerved round the desk to greet the counsellor.

" Not at all. Just my wife. She went to see the Admiral."

" And?"

Tom sighed.

" Nothing. B'Elanna says she just shut down, zoned out. She sat with her for several hours, all she did was stare out the window. She's never seen Kathryn so desolate. "

Deanna nodded.

" I can imagine. Will's spoken to Captain Picard. He's beaming down to Earth in the morning."

Paris sighed, relieved. Noticing the counsellor stood awkwardly as he rolled his head around his shoulders and ran tired fingers through his hair, he stood and walked from behind the desk.

" So who sent you to make sure my marbles are all still in my bag," he asked, motioning the newcomer to take a seat on the sofa as he ordered up tea.

Deanna accepted gratefully, sitting on the couch and taking a long sip of the Tarkalian blend before she answered.

" No one thinks you're not up to the job, if that's what you mean," she smiled." I've just spoken to Lieutenant Kim and a few others. They mentioned that you and Captain Chakotay were close. I thought, given everything that's happened here, and with the Admiral arriving soon…… well I just thought you might like to clear the air."

" Clear the air ?" Paris echoed." About what ?"

" You tell me."

Paris sighed heavily, sipped his own tea in lieu of answering the question. It was a tactic Deanna knew well and she was very patient. Eventually Paris finished the sip, and smiling knowingly, relented.

" When I first met Chakotay," Tom began, " he was rightly suspicious of me. Second time I met him, he wanted to kill me."

" Rightly so?" Deanna teased.

" Probably," Tom smiled, but his story drifted off with old memories. But words failing a conversation was something else Deanna understood well. She had spent all afternoon getting people to talk about things they really didn't have the words for.

" As I understand, he fought hard to get you assigned as his first officer," she prompted.

" That's one thing I don't get. Why ?," Tom wondered, " Seven years ago he wanted to kill me."

Deanna smiled.

" People change. Given the right circumstances, often for the better. But 99 times out of a 100, its always the person we least suspect who sees it in us."

" You reckon?" Tom echoed disbelievingly.

" Absolutely. A few years ago, before I was married, I decided to make some changes in my life. I went for the bridge officers exam, passed after the….oh I can't remember how many times I sat watches and led missions. I expected Will to believe in me, I expected Captain Picard to believe in me. And they did. But although I made the changes in my life that I had planned, something still didn't feel right. "

" But someone changed that ?" Paris offered.

" Someone I had never spent time with, had very little in common with and whose life experiences and goals were as diametrically opposite to mine as could be possible, told me that he respected me, that he believed in me, and what I did."

" Bet it's Tuvok….he does that to everyone," Paris mocked.

" It was Worf actually," B'Elanna corrected, ignoring the first officer's attempts to dismiss the conversation at hand.

" Ok, wasn't expecting that one," Tom replied and in truth he hadn't. He had briefly come across the Klingon around Starfleet headquarters, but the commander's reputation preceded him. Tom could easily picture the Klingon charging head long into battle without a second thought. But he had a little trouble associating Worf with someone as genteel as Deanna Troi, someone as opposite in outlook on the world as seemed possible.

" One day he came to me and told me that he was impressed with who I was, what I had done and that he wanted to make me soh-chim to Alexander, his son."

" Surrogate mother, wow an honour indeed."

" You speak Klingon?" Deanna replied, impressed.

" My wife is half-klingon," Tom explained, smiling warmly, " you tend to pick the language up a little when she is hurling things at you on a bad day. "

Deanna grinned. She'd seen Worf on several bad days, and whilst he didn't throw things, he sometimes came pretty close.

" I found a basic grounding in the key phrases helps me know when to duck," Tom added.

" Captain Chakotay introduced you to your wife didn't he ?" Deanna asked.

" He asked her to shoot me once," Tom grinned at the now fond memory," I guess that's the same thing."

Before Deanna could reply, the comm beeped.

"Kim to Paris."

" Go ahead, Harry."

" Commander Tuvok has beamed aboard with the Romulan security tapes, sir."

Tom felt his stomach knot ever so slightly at the thought of seeing Chakotay being killed time and time again as they reviewed the tape. He doubted Harry or Tuvok wanted to either. But if there was any explanation of how and why Chakotay had died, he needed it soon to show to the Admiral

" Get working on an analysis with him. I want something more to tell Admiral Janeway when she gets here than her best friend died for nothing."

" Aye sir. Kim out."

Tom turned back to face his guest.

" You seem very sure that she will come," Deanna offered,

Paris nodded.

" Where Chakotay is concerned…..was concerned…. Kathryn is always predictable," he smiled fondly, and returned to quietly sipping his tea.

Deanna smiled.

" Tell me about her ."

* * *

Jean Luc Picard stood before the old brownstone building, mustering courage. He had been awake most of the evening considering the news that Will had told him. He had over the years lost many good officers and friends before their time, was well aquainted with loss and his own need to come to terms quickly. But not since he had brought Jack Crusher's body home to Beverly, had he been so caught up in another person's grief.

Part of his inner soul sighed. Here he was again; mustering courage and deep breaths to steel himself against the solemn duty he was charged with.

_" Tom Paris thinks the Admiral will want to come out here," Picard though back to the conversation last night when Will had informed him dourly of the situation. In recognising Janeway's grief, and the hole it left in the lives of Tom Paris and Harry Kim, Picard surmised that most had forgotten that Captain Chakotay had been a close friend of Riker's too._

_" He's probably right," Picard replied._

_" I was wondering…..well….if you didn't mind…"_

_Picard smiled and held his hand up to the monitor to silence Will._

_" Of course… I'll bring her."_

_He saw the weight of the favour slip with relief from Will's shoulders._

_" We'll be there in three days, " Picard advised his former XO._

" _Look forward to seeing you," Riker replied, and leaned towards the monitor to close the connection._

Picard had felt a profound sense of déjà vu all night, but here he was again. Taking one last breath, he mounted the steps into her building, and began the trudge up the stairs. Her apartment was on the top most floor, on the far side of the building. As soon as Picard had seen her building, the environs and its magnificent view across the bay, he had seen why she had taken the apartment.

He knocked her door, several times to no avail, and he was again gratified she had taken this apartment as he reached for the door handle, turned and pushed the door inwards.

" Admiral Janeway ?" he called from the threshold.

He heard nothing except the reply of the incessant beating of the rain against what he suspected to be the window with the view of the bay.

" Kathryn ?" he repeated moments later, his brow furrowing in concern as he stepped over the threshold and into the room.

He closed the door quietly behind him. The last thing she needed right now was for the press, who were sure to get wind of the incident before Starfleet did, traipsing all over the building, snapping shots of Janeway in her grief.

He stepped quietly along the cavernous hall way, glancing upwards to the mezzanine style upper floor. But the upper levels, like the lower, were shrouded in darkness.

" Kathryn, it's Jean-Luc ," he called out again, as he passed a large kitchen and breakfast room, sheathed only in the few weak rays of dawn sun.

He saw the makings of a coffee pot long abandoned before he passed by and into the main living room. And there, face still pressed onto the glass and the pouring rain, he found Kathryn huddled, her arms wrapped around her knees, her eyes blankly staring out into her past. In fact the tableau was much the same as Lt Torres had informed him of when he had contacted her a few moments before beaming down.

He picked up his pace over to her, kneeling before her gently and taking her hands into his own. They were cold, even in the maintained warmth of the apartment. Her eyes were ringed with soreness, her cheeks stained with the dry salty rivers her tears had left. Her grey blue eyes held a small spark of life to them, but only just. Picard had to gently take her chin to direct her face at him before she even acknowledged his presence. The emptiness in her eyes caught his breath; this was not the indominitable Kathryn Janeway of lore, the rock solid, impenetrable Captain who had battled everything and anything with her steely gaze, a thrust out chin and her hands jammed defiantly on her hips.

" Jean-Luc ?" she queried hoarsely, her parched lips stumbling over the words, the faintest recognition in her eyes as she pulled herself up to her feet.

Picard helped her gently up onto her shaking legs and was about to enquire as to why she has spent all night sat on the floor, but as he stepped forward he succeeded only in catching her. She slumped into his arms, unconscious.

" Picard to Crusher," he called out, tapping his combadge as he laid her gently on the sofa in her spartan living room.

" Go ahead. What's wrong Jean-Luc?"

Picard stood looking at Kathryn as he listened to the gentle tones of the woman he loved. He had been about to ask for an emergency beam out to sick bay, but the sound of Beverly's voice, caught the words in his throat. He knew Kathryn was bereft for the one she had loved. Would he, had it been Beverly who now lay dead, want his grief paraded around sick bay for everyone's edification. Kathryn was a private as he, one of the reasons their friendship had taken off and mattered to each of them so much. She would want to keep her feelings for Chakotay as hidden as they had always been. At least for a while.

" Beverly, can you beam to my coordinates with a medkit?"

He didn't receive an answer, only the sound of a familiar high pitched whine from the transporter beam. Beverly showed a spark of relief at seeing him well, before her attention turned to the patient he realised she had called him for.

" She collapsed as she stood up," he informed the doctor has she had moved to the sofa.

" She's severely dehydrated," Beverly replied as she ran her tricorder over the unconscious woman. She noted the tear stains and the soreness of Kathryn's eyes. Jean-Luc had told her the news over dinner. Beverly had offered to beam down with him for support, but he had told her he knew Kathryn, and her stubbornness, well.

" I found her curled up on the floor," Jean Luc added as Beverly, pressed a hypospray to Kathryn's neck.

" A kind of pick me up," Beverly answered her friend's confused and worried gaze." She's dehydrated, a little mal nourished. I suspect she hasn't been eating properly for several months. Her electrolytes are all over the place. Her blood pressure is up and down. She's exhausted. It caused her to pass out."

" Will she be ok?"

" Physically yes, " Beverly sighed as she returned the hypospray to her case, "While she deals with her grief, her body is going to respond like this until she begins to eat, drink and sleep normally. I can help with that, but emotionally….I don't know. That was always Deanna's territory."

Picard nodded.

"We should get her into bed. She will be asleep for a couple of hours," Beverly noted, motioning Picard over to one side to help her lift the woman.

Gently they carried her up to the mezzanine level, found her room, and tucked her into bed, leaving clothes as a matter to worry about another time. Now the Admiral just needed to sleep. As they backed out of Kathryn's room, Picard became suddenly aware of the nature of Beverly's undress. She stood before him in pale blue silk pyjamas, her hair down and partly brushed.

" I'm so sorry," he began to apologise as they descended down stairs and into Kathryn's kitchen, where Beverly ordered two tea's from the replicator." I should have realised what the time was. Did I wake you?"

" Don't worry, " Beverly placed a reassuring hand on his arm, "on all counts."

Picard gratefully accepted the tea she offered him and stepped back out into the living room, noticing now, in the bright lines of sun just rising across the bay, how barren and unlived in the room looked. Somehow, he didn't imagine that picture improving now.

"She was close to him then," Beverly asked, as she followed him out.

Picard nodded as his gaze crossed the empty room and back at the woman he had recently realised he was so very much in love with. She had turned up in his ready room only a few weeks earlier to rejoin his crew after another short spell at Starfleet Medical Headquarters. She had signed aboard to Worf, presented herself in the captain's ready room proceeded to passionately kiss him. He had suddenly felt so complete, with all those years of unspoken affection and missed opportunities now behind them. Kathryn would no longer have that chance.

" They were in love," Picard whispered hoarsely, reaching out protectively for Beverly's hand.

They finished tea silently together, both grateful for each other's love.

" I'd better beam back," Beverly finally sighed," before Worf creates hell over my emergency transport."

Picard nodded.

" Are you coming?" she asked.

He shook his head.

" Commander Paris seems to think she will want to go to Romulus, and I promised Will I would take her there," he replied," Besides I don't think she should wake up to an empty house."

Crusher smile in agreement.

" I remember you doing the same thing when Jack died," she said softly." I was so grateful. Especially when it came time to tell Wesley."

Picard's smile, tinged with a little pain at the memory, softened as she squeezed his hand gently.

" I'll arrange quarters for her," Beverly announced as she stood.

" Thank you," Picard replied gratefully," and would you please ask Worf to prepare for immediate departure as soon as we are aboard."

Beverly nodded, stood and tapped the combadge she had hastily slapped on to her pyjamas.

" Crusher to Enterprise."

" Worf here," the deep baritone thundered impatiently over the comm," Are you alright doctor? The computer reported an emergency beam out to the surface."

" I'm fine Worf. It's a long story," she sighed, and as she looked to Jean Luc he nodded almost imperceptibly. " I'll explain later. One to beam up."

" Very well. Standby."

Beverly disappeared again in the transporter whine, and Picard was left with the stark, quiet surroundings. He checked in on Kathryn, to see her sleeping in awkward fitfulness, before he entered the dressing room. If she was going to go to Romulus, she was going to need something to wear and he doubted she would be strong enough to pack the bag herself. He pulled several uniforms from the shelf and lay them neatly in the hold all. When he reached her under garments drawer, he really wished that he had thought to get Beverly to do this before she left.

" If you can battle the Borg, Jean-Luc, " he muttered resolutely to himself," then you can handle a drawer of smalls."

Taking a deep breath, he pulled the drawer from the unit, and upended the entire contents into the holdall. Sighing satisfactorily, he returned the drawer to the runner, secured the holdall shut, and placed the bag at the top of the mezzanine stairs. Grabbing the book that sat on the bedside table,a book entitled 'The Remains Of The Day' by an author named Ishigawa that Picard had never heard of, an uncharacteristically un-gothic Victorian read for Janeway. Leafing through the pages to find the opening chapter, Picard settled in the bedroom arm chair and waited for his friend to wake up.

* * *

Chakotay had already been startled awake by a feeling of Kathryn in pain that he couldn't place and he couldn't shake discomforting feeling of. Nevertheless he was still jolted in to full alert by the sounds at the door. The scream of rusted metal scraping backwards pierced through him. It felt like the loudest, most wrenching sound he had ever heard. He scrambled backwards in the dark, until he painfully hit the back wall of his cell. He jammed his hands over his ears as the screech seemed to go on and on, becoming ever louder and more painful to his ears. He could hear the blood rushing through his head.

When the door opened, searing light arced into the cell. Chakotay's hands left his ears and shielded his eyes. It felt like looking into the sun. His unguarded ears heard the door hinges stop there screeching, heard heavy boots crunch on the ground beside him as soldiers filed in. A heavy boot kicked him onto his side, pulling his hands away from his eyes. He blinked against the grit he found his face mashed into, as well as the light. He felt rough hands grab onto his collar and drag him forward, thrusting him face down onto the ground. He saw the blurred silhouettes of boots around him. His vision cleared, adapting the burning brightness just as the boots suddenly came to life, slamming into him. He felt ribs crack and bruises race to the surface. His vision blurred again as one connected with his jaw. His vision swam with redness and hot heat as he felt his jaw slam upwards against his teeth. Another kick impacted his jaw again and bounced up to crack against his nose. His body was so racked with pain he didn't feel one more break. Stars swam before him, and Chakotay felt his senses withdrawing, losing contact with the world around him.

He wasn't particularly bothered by the breaks and injuries inflicted on him. He had suffered from them and recovered from them before. This time however, he had the numbing feeling that he wasn't coming away from this one. He wouldn't be going home. But even that didn't bother him.

He was only saddened by the fact that he wouldn't see Kathryn again, wouldn't see her battle the universe around her with stubbornness alone. He wouldn't be able to lock her in her office as he had planned; not letting her out until she acknowledged that she was as in love with him as he was her.

An angry boot connected with the temple of Chakotay's head again, but this time his skull didn't bounce back again. The world swam around him and he lost the image of Kathryn in his mind as he sank into darkness.


	12. Chapter 12

_**DISCLAIMER: Everything of any worth belongs to Paramount.**_

_**AUTHOR: Riverhawk**_

_**NOTES: For Mab13j**_

_**Part 12 – Before the Dawn**_

Kathryn Janeway had slept for almost a full five hours, before she awoke in her bed, blinking at the brightness of the light in her room. She didn't remember getting to bed. The last thing she remembered was B'Elanna telling her the thing she had feared the most had actually happened to Chakotay. As she looked around the room, she hoped with desperation that it was all one of those awful bad dreams that she had been having of late. But as her eyes rested on the figure sat in the armchair across the room, embroiled in the battered copy of Ishigawa she had come across in her office after she had taken over from Admiral Reyner, she knew that it was true.

"Jean-Luc?" she croaked.

"Good morning," he replied as cheerily as he could muster, but the quietness of his voice told her that he didn't believe his own words. It was not a good morning.

"Is there a reason that you are sat in my bedroom," Janeway asked trying to push herself up to sit against the headboard. Exhaustion still pervaded in all of her muscles, and after a minute of letting the woman try herself, Picard placed the book on the dressing table and rose to help her. Part of Kathryn wanted to yell that she was perfectly capable of sitting herself up, but she knew in truth that she wasn't. She accepted the gentle help of her friend, and with relief, slumped back against the head board.

Picard sat on the edge of the bed and reached for the glass of water that he had placed on the night stand during his vigil and helped her take a few salving sips. Janeway held the glass between shaking hands, but didn't take it from Picard. He steadied the glass for her as she raised it again for another sip.

"It's true isn't it," she finally whispered as he placed the glass back down again.

He nodded quietly before he answered

"I didn't want you to wake up here alone," he offered.

If Kathryn heard his words, she didn't acknowledge them. The darkness she had felt last night crept through her again. She felt cold and empty. And very much alone.

Part of her didn't understand why she felt so lonely. It was she who had separated them, and she had not felt anything like the loneliness that she felt now.

"It's because you knew he was still around," Picard volunteered, and Kathryn suddenly realised that she must have mumbled her thoughts aloud.

Kathryn's gaze shot to Picard. He smiled and gently squeezed her hand.

"What am I supposed to do now without him," she whispered, a fresh round of tears welling in her eyes.

"Carry on. Make his sacrifice mean something," Jean –Luc offered, but he doubted very much that he could have believed his own words if he were in her place.

"I don't think I can," Kathryn cried, the tears now falling.

"You can," Picard smiled," if you can beat the Borg queen, you can beat this."

"That's just it," Kathryn argued, half dabbing at the tears that fell," I beat them because he was there. I would never have managed without him. Any of it."

Picard nodded understandingly. He knew that the battles he had fought in the past, both public and private had been survived purely because he had had the support of those closest to him, Will, Geordi, Worf, Deanna, Data and, of course, Beverly. He had no doubts that without each of them, he would not have won any of them. But he doubted that she would want to hear placations like that at the moment, so he settled for offering her some time alone.

"How about you take a bath, I'll fix some breakfast. Then we can talk if… you want ".

Kathryn tried to find support in his words; she did understand the intentions of them. But solace in a bath was the last thing she felt she wanted now. She was about to say no, and pull rank to enforce it if needs be, but she saw a look in Jean-Luc that reminded her so much of Chakotay's fussing over her, that she could not help but nod in agreement.

* * *

Tuvok sat watching the last of the security tapes for the dozenth time. The material on them was limited to the few surveillance cameras that watched over the talks, and limited to what little the cameras had uploaded to the main server in the capital city before the detonation. It showed Chakotay entering the building, leading a security detail that was assigned to the Federation envoy. He knew that Captain Riker had assigned Captain Chakotay specifically for his impartiality in the talks being undertaken, as well as his extensive set of diplomacy skills. Chakotay looked serious, but Tuvok had many years of personal experience to know that Chakotay always took his duties seriously. Although there had not been much friendship between them, and to an extent there had been open hostility when Chakotay has first learned of Tuvok's deception to the Maquis, they had fostered an effective working relationship, enough for the Vulcan to observe normal activity from Voyager's captain. The security team with Chakotay had arrived with the envoy, and Tuvok judged them to be competent if not especially noteworthy in their duties. He had been relieved though, when Chakotay had been assigned to the team. His skills, learned in Starfleet security training as well as maquis warfare, were unparalleled in Tuvok's opinion.

As before, Chakotay detailed a couple of the guards to the perimeter, as he and the rest followed the envoy in. The guards began their patrol and then the recording ended.

And now as before with every other viewing, Tuvok was convinced that something wasn't right. In a few days, the closest friend that he had ever known would be here, and her grief would demand a better answer. And he would move heaven and earth to get it for her. But it wasn't here, Tuvok noted to himself as he pushed away from the station he had been working at. Tuvok left the security office that had once been his sanctum, and was now swathed in Harry Kim's artefacts of cultural significance. He noted the Buster Kincaid pistol from Tom Paris' Captain Proton programmes and not for the first time, wondered what cultural significance that it could possibly have. It was however a matter for another time, he rationalised as he stepped into a turbolift that deposited him on the bridge.

He descended the familiar steps to the command well, to find Paris seated in the command chair. He looked tired, but he seemed every inch the captain he had become. He did not experience pride, but he knew that Kathryn Janeway did, and she had, in her own words, been prouder than hell when Tom had made first officer. Who was Tuvok to argue with that?

"Captain, if I may?" he asked, approaching Tom.

There was a time, Tom felt, that he would have loved superseding Tuvok in rank and inflicting all the reprimands and punishments that Tuvok had once visited on him. But those times had long gone. 65,000 light years of the Delta Quadrant had changed him, not to mention the support and love he had found in the crew that had travelled that quadrant.

"Of course," Tom said, indicating the empty seat at the first officer's position, that he realised he would soon have to look for a replacement for. Tuvok sat as stiffly as usual before continuing.

"I do not believe that we have received the entirety of the security tapes from the Romulans," he ventured.

"What makes you think that?" Tom asked, intrigued.

"They claim to only have three cameras monitoring the area from the outside."

"And….." Tom pushed, sensing the 'but'.

"Romulans are by nature a suspicious and paranoid. They would be looking for an upper hand in everything. And for that they would need information. Information they would not get from three external observation cameras."

"You think there are some they didn't give us the recordings for?" Tom summarised.

"A great many. I am sure that at least they would look at observing every delegation."

Tom nodded agreement, looked briefly away at the Romulan homeworld circling on the viewer, a thousand thoughts racing. He then stood decisively turning to Ayala.

"Find me Toral, Mike," he ordered and turned back to stand before the view screen. Toral's image appeared on it. The attaché looked flustered, as equally dishevelled and anxious as he had previously been the epitome of calm and good personal grooming.

"Commander Paris, may I help?" He asked, breath a little ragged as if he had rushed to answer the unexpected call.

" Yes you can Toral," Paris replied, his voice level and cool, yet laced with the unmistakable anger that vented his grief " you can get me those missing security tapes before I bring the wrath of god down on you."

"There are missing tapes?" Toral echoed. His eyes unmistakeably darted left once or twice. Neither Tuvok nor Paris missed it.

" Several, " Tuvok added, noting the glare Toral was receiving from Paris in repose to the Romulan's poor act of obfuscation " and I do believe there would be significant political damage done to the peace and reconstruction talks, if it were to come to light that full access was not given to resolve the murders of Captain Chakotay and the delegation."

Toral looked to one side again as Marek, Toral's senior officer entered view. Tuvok noted the anxiety wash from the attaché as his superior took over.

"That is a substantial allegation," Marek argued, seemingly nonplussed by the glare that Tom gave him, the anger that ebbed from the Captain's clenched fists.

"I'm prepared to debate it if you are," Tom argued back, swallowing his anger in a perfect mask of calm that impressed Tuvok. Tuvok watched as Tom turned to Ayala "hail the federation diplomatic corps, and ask them to include President Bacco in the call."

"You have no ear to the president," Marek chortled.

"Oh yeah," Tom feigned forgetfulness, "and add my father to that call list."

That seemed to get Marek's attention. He had no doubt reviewed the entire biographies of the command staff before he had allowed Toral to inform them of Chakotay's death.

"Very well."

Marek nodded curtly to Toral. Tuvok moved to the operations station, and confirmed the incoming data packet to Paris.

" Thanks," Tom informed Marek, not breaking eye contact as he spoke over his shoulder," Belay my previous order, Mike."

The screen went blank and the orbit of Romulus appeared below once more.

"See if you can make something out of those recordings," he smiled tiredly at Tuvok.

Tuvok nodded, turned to leave, but stopped and looked up at Paris again.

"An effective piece of negotiation," Tuvok noted, in as much as Vulcan's could note praise.

Tom smiled weakly before he turned and sat again in the command chair. He heard the turbolift door shut, and watched as the helmsman turned back to his station. And Tom noted to himself for the hundredth time that day, he would have given anything right now to be back at Conn, stranded in the delta quadrant.

* * *

Kathryn had stood limply in the shower, allowing her fresh tears to mix with the warm water. She had not been able to face a bath; her thoughts kept drifting to the one he had made for her. She had just pulled of her slept in clothes and entered the cubicle. The system was used to her settings. It was a good thing. She was too tired to give it instructions, so it had merely started on her usual settings. She let the water slide over her; she was too tired to lift the cloth to help it. The programme followed its cycle of water and soap solution unaided by her. She had been too tired to bother to wash her hair.

Hair……………………

She had remembered the last time Chakotay had held her hair. It seemed so long ago now. He had smoothed it between his hands before he had gently laid it over her shoulder. Kathryn's hand had come up to guide the hair, briefly touching his fingers. The charge from them had prickled the hairs on her neck, and she became minutely sensitive to the touch of his fingers when he began to knead her shoulders. The excitement the feel of his hands had elicited was only, barely, outweighed by the wonderful feeling of comfort and contentment that washed over her with each knot he worked out of her shoulders. She could have endured that for hours and was in no hurry for him to stop. But he did, his hands resting, trembling ever so faintly on her shoulders. It had taken her several seconds to notice that he had stopped, as lost as she had been in the moment. But as she did, she turned to look at him and saw such a look of love and desire in his eyes that it had momentarily frightened her in the depth of its desire. She had never been that wanted and her fight or flight reaction had caused her to flee, thanking him for his ministrations before making for the controllable sanctity of her bedroom. It was a moment in their tumultuous relationship that she had always regretted. Would it have been so bad if she had indulged?

She had asked herself the same question as she had lay in her bed. And the need for an answer had driven her out, several hours later, to the living area where he still worked, unable to sleep himself. He had told her that wonderful legend, fraudulent though it was, expressing his desire to make her burdens lighter. She had smiled, weaved her hand into his, and delighted at the bond that is had forged between them. When she had risen to go to bed again, he had too, encircling her in hug. This time her fight or flight had glued her feet soundly to the deck. She returned the embrace, kissed him gently on the cheek and had slept the soundest she had since they had arrived in the delta quadrant.

When Tuvok had returned for her and Chakotay, she had snapped so seriously back into the role of captain it had frightened her. She realised that those three months with Chakotay had allowed her to be Kathryn for a short while. But as soon as she had stepped aboard the ship, she had realised that although she accepted his support in her burdens, she could never be as free in her own life again if she were to get them home.

And so they had returned to their usual routine. She saw the sadness in his eyes at her decision, but also his understanding. He had, she realised, been quiet content to just be near her.

And that was when she had opened her eyes, wide and sudden. She climbed out of the shower, and thrown on a robe, not particularly cognizant of her state of undress as she thundered down the stairs in search of Picard.

Picard had made a pot of coffee, but he doubted Kathryn would have wanted breakfast, and he certainly wasn't hungry. He poured a mug as he heard her descend the stairs. She quietly walked into the kitchen, a smaller and frailer figure than Picard had ever known her. Her long hair, wet and barely towel dried, flowed down the back of the dressing gown she had thrown on when she had had exited the shower.

"I want to go to Romulus," she stated as soon as she entered the kitchen.

Picard said nothing, just smiled. The lack or argument, bluster or counter proposal stunned her into silence, dashing her hastily rehearsed speech.

"Why are you smiling?" she asked.

She didn't smile, but her eyes narrowed suspiciously. Her lips began to purse as she waited for a reply that was not forthcoming. Picard just smiled. He waited for the truth to dawn.

"That's why you're here, isn't it," she finally added.

"Commander Paris though you would want to go," Picard offered.

Janeway fashioned a faint smile for what seemed like the first time in weeks.

"Thank you, Tom," she muttered to herself as she sank back against the worktop. "When can we leave?"

"As soon as you are ready," Picard smiled, handing her a coffee.

She sipped some of the dark liquid, but it didn't seem to offer the sense of comfort and energy that it normally offered her. It has always been a prop to her daily routine. Now it seemed to have abandoned her too.

"Now then," she replied standing straight and putting down the coffee cup. She told herself that she owed it to Chakotay to attend the memorial service that would undoubtedly be held for him. She told herself that it was her responsibility to lead the commemoration of his years of strong and solid service to get them home. The truth was, she just needed to be near him. Correction, she told herself, she desperately needed to be near him, in any way possible.

Picard lifted the travel bag he had packed.

"You packed my things?" Janeway asked, a surprised eyebrow doing a fair impression of Tuvok.

"It seems Mr Paris thought you wouldn't want to hang around," Picard smiled.

Janeway smiled, and reached out to place a thankful palm on her friend's chest. Her breath caught as she did it. How many times had she done that to Chakotay?

"Two years ago I didn't think we would ever work together. Now I can't imagine a day without you," she remembered telling Chakotay as she had placed a palm on his chest. It had been the thing that had struck her most when they had separated after that night on the pontoon. She thought command had been a lonely venture when she was in the Delta Quadrant. Without her crew, and more importantly, Chakotay, she had found herself father from home in Headquarters than she had ever felt 65,000 light years away in the Delta Quadrant.

"Kathryn?" Picard nudged her gently.

Janeway returned to the present. She wiped a stray tear from the corner of her eye as she nodded. She couldn't help but smile at the look on Jean-Luc's face. It reminded her of Chakotay and those moments when he had looked at her and his eyes had said 'you can fall apart in grief soon, just hold on for five minutes to we get back to the ship.' Janeway took a deep breath.

"Picard to Enterprise," Jean-Luc called out as he tapped his combadge.

"Worf here,"

"Has Doctor Crusher conveyed my instructions?" Picard asked.

"She has. Everything is ready," Worf replied.

Picard smiled to himself.

"In that case, two to beam…," he took a quick look at Janeway and her state of dress, before adding " ….. to Admiral Janeway' quarters."

* * *

Tuvok studied the new transmission from the Romulans. This time the coverage seemed adequate for such paranoid people. They observed the entrances of all the delegates and their entourages. They observed all the confidential conversations between the teams seated around conference table. They had paid particular attention to the federation delegation, to Tuvok's relief. Chakotay had listened intently to the conversations between the envoys, but had always kept his eyes scanning the room. But despite the hours of footage, there was nothing to indicate anything that was already known. He noted the Reman delegation, the determined looks on their reptilian faces. The nervous glances the youngest Reman, a novice warrior perhaps no more than eighteen years of age. Tuvok had watched Chakotay's observations of the Remans, but Chakotay did not seem too concerned at the young Reman's behaviour. There was a time in the past, Tuvok would have criticised the Captain for his overriding faith in a world that seldom warranted it. But years together had changed his opinion of the Captain, as well as taught Tuvok the perfect nature of 20/20 hind sight.

Still, despite all the footage he had viewed, the seeming indisputable evidence of Reman sabotage, Tuvok felt a nagging sense of unease that there was still something that he was just missing.

Closing his eyes for a brief moment of meditation on the issue, Tuvok began the play of the tapes again.

* * *

The three day trip to Romulus had passed in a blur. Kathryn had watched the stars streak by. She didn't realise how much she had missed them being planet side for the last year or so. They had been such a part of her life for so many years, the measure of time and distance for all of them, that she had found it difficult at first to sleep in that spartan apartment of hers without the dance of fleeting light they had painted against the inner bulkheads of her quarters.

Janeway had eaten only when Picard or Dr Crusher had arrived at her quarters to badger, goad or order her into eating. Crusher had administered a regular dose of the cocktail of vitamins and electrolyte balancers that her patient needed to recover from the poor state of health she had descended herself into.

She had thought of Chakotay every minute, and willed the ship to go faster every time.

* * *

Tom Paris had been the one who, more than any other aboard, had believed in and hoped for a resolution of feelings for his former captain and commander. He had hoped, more than any other, that they would find as much happiness out there as he had with B'Elanna. He had never understood Janeway's preoccupation with parameters in her relationship with Chakotay. He didn't understand how it was possible to maintain parameters in a relationship that was as obviously perfect as it was. He doubted Chakotay would have followed orders, or failed to anticipate her every need any less if they had committed fully to a relationship. But that was the way Janeway had needed it in order to function, and given her success at getting them home, he couldn't argue with that.

He smiled warmly as her small and somehow frailer frame appeared before him on the transporter pad. She had stepped forward, and surprisingly drawn Paris into a hug.

"Permission to come aboard, Captain?" she asked as she hugged him.

"Granted, always," Tom smiled, returning the hug, albeit somewhat stiffly.

"Thank you, for everything" she whispered into his uniform jacket as he wrapped his arms around her.

They had separated after a brief moment, before Janeway had slipped her arm through Tom's and, linked, they had left the transporter room.

"We have your old quarters prepared for you. Chakotay kept his old room. Do you want to join me for lunch or freshen up first?"

Janeway looked up at him in an uncharacteristically shy and uncertain manner.

"Would it be possible for me to stay in Chakotay's quarters?" she asked Tom.

Funny as it sounded, it didn't seem a strange request to him.

"Are you sure that is what you want?" Tom asked.

"I don't know," she smiled," but it's what I need. I thought I might pack his things."

"OK, " Tom nodded.

And as the doors closed on the turbolift and a raincheck for dinner later issued, Tom called out for Deck Two.

* * *

No one was more surprised to wake up and find themselves alive, than Chakotay. He awoke back in his cell, bathed again in absolute darkness. He sat up against the wall, and was surprised to feel no pain. From what he remembered of the last time he had been conscious, he had fully expected to be aching from every inch of his body. But his ribs seemed re-knit already, and his jaw moved with no pain. Smiling at the rather thorough work of who ever had fixed him up, Chakotay slumped against the damp wall.

"What the hell is going on?" he whispered into the darkness.

He tried to conjure up the image of Kathryn in his head, but she wouldn't come. For the first time since had first seen her standing before him, he felt alone. And scared.

A glowing orb suddenly sprang to glaring life, and revealed to Chakotay a shadowed form sat in the corner. The form slowly stood, and stepped in to the light. It was a youngish woman, un-characteristically blond, with ice blue eyes. And she was Romulan. Suddenly things seemed to be making a lot more sense.

"I am Sub Commander Sela of the Tal-Shiar," she said icily.

Chakotay had a feeling by the insignia on her uniform that she was nothing of the sort. But he didn't feel that now was the time to bring it up.

"I thought I was in the captivity of the Remans," Chakotay replied, his voice hoarser than he thought. His mouth and throat dry. It had been a while he surmised, since he had had liquid then.

"Ah. Meet Jenzar…..and Herat, " she motioned, and two hulking Reman soldiers stepped from the other shadows. " My guards. The time seems to have passed where one could rely on the unfaltering loyalty of a fellow Romulan."

"I'm heartbroken," Chakotay sighed," What do you want with me?"

"You are unique here, Captain," Sela smiled, her grin somewhere between menacing and pure evil.

"How do you figure that?" Chakotay replied, looking from her to her guards. He sized them up and realised that he didn't have a chance in hell of getting out of here this way,

"You have been absent from events of this quadrant for some years. Your opinion is valued because of your neutrality,"

"I think you over rate the situation," Chakotay chuckled.

"Perhaps," Sela noted,"but I'm sure your death will greatly encourage Admiral Janeway to withdraw all federation voices from here and the border worlds.

"Kathryn?" he chuckled, "You did this to get at Kathryn. "

"Not exactly get at," Sela argued," influence perhaps."

"Then your information is very out of date," Chakotay sighed. "I haven't see Kathryn in months. We didn't exactly part on the best of terms. She probably won't have bothered to see if I am dead or alive after that explosion."

"Now I think it is you who over rate the situation," Sela noted. "I hope to influence the political situation in the long term to ensure breathing room for my people. But if I'm not successful at that, I will at least have gained the strategic plans of the federation and the access codes to your communications network. It will aid us in our invasion plans."

"From what I heard, the last invasion you tried to stage didn't go too well," Chakotay chuckled.

He saw Sela flinch with rage, and he smiled even more broadly. There was no doubt that he was not going to survive this. But he would be damned if he'd give them what they wanted before he died. It probably wasn't wise to aggravate this Sela, but he had reasoned that if he was going to die he would rather get it over with sooner rather than later, on his terms. He smiled again. He was sounding more like Kathryn by the day.

"I have read your file, Captain," Sela noted, coolly. "You are not an idiot. Some of your campaigns as a Maquis were the product of genius, Chakotay. Your strategic skills and your battle skills are worthy of the best Romulan generals."

"Oh insult me," he chuckled," That'll work."

He had been here before, seven or so years ago in the Delta Quadrant, with Seska trying to flatter him into providing him with the command codes for Voyager. It hadn't worked then and he would be damned if it would work now.

This was about the last thought he had before Sela rammed her foot between his legs into his lower torso, crunching the soft tissue there. Chakotay's gut knotted , turned inside out in sudden pain and the stars shot upwards, swimming in his head and vision and he slumped sideways, hands belatedly covering the area of damage. Chakotay's breath came in ragged gasps as he fought for control over the pain. When the white veil had dropped from his eyes again, he pushed himself up to sitting again.

"Thanks for that," he half chuckled, half winced," that got rid of that itch."

Sela considered kicking him again, but his blatant bravado, she realised, was just to antagonise her into giving him a quick death. She had no plans of fulfilling that wish. Yet.

"We'll talk again later, Captain," Sela almost hissed.

"Look forward to it," Chakotay smiled, but as soon as the door screeched shut again, he slid back over sideways and let the pain wash over him again. His eyes welled up with tears, and he felt he was beginning to cry when he felt a warm hand on his chest.

"Hey," his mirage of Kathryn smiled at him.

"Hey," he winced back.

"You've looked better," his mirage smiled at him.

"You look better than ever," he smiled.

"Charmer," she chuckled," get some sleep. I think tomorrow is going to be a long day."

"Kiss me," he smiled up at his mirage. His mirage's smile faded slightly.

"You know I can't do that," the mirage replied," there are parameters."

He half chuckled, half snorted at the response, but did as he was told. He turned over and his head span. Whether from the pain of Sela's kick, the remains of his beating earlier or his thirst and hunger, he wasn't sure. And as he drifted off to sleep, he decided he really didn't care.

* * *

Tom had stayed with her a while, as uneasy being uninvited in Chakotay quarters as she was. But the unease had faded as they had looked through Chakotay's sand pictures together. Much as the EMH had been snap happy with his holo-camera during those moments of note in their journey, it seemed Chakotay had painted. There were detail perfect paintings of Tom and B'Elanna, Neelix, Naomi and Sam, as well as Harry. He had used his photographic memory to capture some of the events, good and bad, that Voyager had endured over the years, some in perfect detail, others for impressionistic. Neither Tom nor Kathryn had any trouble deciphering the black impressions as the Borg, the red ones as the Hirogen. Part of Kathryn claimed victory in that there were no paintings of Seven, as much as she stilled cared deeply for her second reclamation project. She gripped the hand of her first reclamation project, as Tom had opened a box that contained Chakotay's paintings and memorise of Kathryn.

Squeezing the hand that had been thrust into his gently, Tom had promised to check back on her later. Kathryn looked into the box, and as she pulled one item out after the other, she unravelled the entire history of their relationship. She saw keepsakes from New Earth, small sand paintings he had made of their home there, the life they had just begun to carve out for themselves. Kathryn's breath was caught by one he had painted of her checking her traps for the insect that had infected them. Her face was the mask of concentration and determination. She had been so consumed in her work, that she hadn't even seen him there.

"That just about sums up our relationship," she muttered aloud," he was always there and I never saw him."

She felt tears well up again, and she dabbed the back of her hand to her eyes again. She continued to look through the box, humbled by the sheer depths of his love the emanated from the articles. He had kept every birthday present she had ever given him, except one. The last year of their journey, she had asked him what he had wanted for his birthday. He had told her nothing, he already had everything that he would ever want. He had, she thought back, meant her, but his birthday had fallen not long after the incident on Quarra, and she had missed his subtext in her dealings with her own loss. Nevertheless, she had gotten him a present. She had made the ultimate sacrifice, traded her coffee rations to replicate him a paper bag with a very specific recipe in side.

_"Jelly Bears?" he asked, a broad smile on his face._

_"My father asked me one year what I wanted for my birthday. I told him I had everything I needed," Kathryn smiled fondly._

_"Even though there was something you wanted?" Chakotay guessed._

_"Yes, and my father knew it. So he bought me jelly bears instead, to teach me we should always make our intentions clear, good and bad, and not just assume every one knows exactly what we want," she smiled._

_"Did you heed the lesson?" _

_Kathryn's smile broadened._

_"Absolutely!" she laughed, "I never made that mistake again. But….."_

_Her voice drifted away._

_"But what?" Chakotay pushed._

_"That was the birthday I enjoyed the most," she smiled wistfully," the best damn present I ever had."_

_Chakotay had smiled, opened the paper bag again and extracted two jelly bears. He popped one in his mouth and the other he gestured for Kathryn to open her mouth for. She did and he gently placed the bear between her teeth._

_"Then this will be the best birthday I have ever had," he smiled, grinning widely and reaching for another jelly bear._

Admiral Janeway smiled, and replaced the bag and his other things into the box. Exhausted, the streaks of tears once again lining her face, she stood and moved to Chakotay's bedroom. Ever the neatness lover compared to the clutter happy quarters she had formerly occupied next door, she was not surprised that he had made his bed and tidied his dirty uniforms to the refresher. Smiling, she lay down on top of the cover, mashing the pillows around her face. They smelt of Chakotay. She inhaled deeply, and this time made no efforts to stymie the tears that flowed. She let them fall, as if experiencing the depths of her grief for the first time. She willed herself to try and sleep. Tomorrow was the commemoration ceremony, the most closure they would all have until Starfleet officially declared Chakotay dead. And she still had much of his quarters to pack.

"Good night, Chakotay," she said into the darkness as the lights dimmed and then blinked out.

* * *

Chakotay had been sleeping when the doors screeched and Sela's guards barged in and kicked him awake. His ribs crunched yet again, and he felt a sharp pain on his left side when he breathed in. he was pretty sure his lung had been nicked by that rib, and as each intake of breath got harder and harder, he became doubly sure of it.

"I told you not to hurt him," Sela barked as she entered to see Chakotay clutching his left side and breathing raspingly.

"It was not our fault," Jenzar retorted, and he felt the full force of the back of Sela's hand across his chiselled jaw. He felt no physical pain at what was, to a Reman, an ineffectual blow. But his pride was well and truly beaten.

"His species is fragile," Herat offered. Sela didn't lash out at Herat.

"You shouldn't play favourites," Chakotay taunted Sela, his knowing tone trying to convey a deeper understanding of the situation than he actually had.

She was obviously fonder of Herat. He seemed to take no warning from Jenzar's beating, and he received no chastising blow from Sela at his defence of his friend. She merely glared at him, to which he didn't flinch. Chakotay didn't doubt that Sela was in command here, but he had a funny feeling that in private alone together, they were equals. Sela landed Chakotay with an icy glare, before she turned to Herat again.

"Go to Tarasyn, find another doctor," she ordered Herat," this had better be the last time we need one. Anymore and the disappearances will begin to alarm the local authorities. The provincial patrols are inept, but even they will not fail to notice the disappearance of four doctors now."

Herat nodded curtly, and followed Jenzar and Sela from the cell. Chakotay leaned awkwardly back against the cell wall again. He tried to take slower breaths, so as not tax his remaining lung. His injured one had collapsed as he had listened to Sela and Herat, but he had been intent on listening to the conversation, and loathe to give anything away.

So, he said as he took another breath, he was still on Romulus. Tarasyn was a small provincial town, a few hundred kilometres south of the Romulan capital. It was beyond the patrol regiments of the praetorians guards of the city, and far enough away from the major military facilities that it classified as the middle of nowhere by Romulan standards. He was miles from where Voyager expected him to be, so he had little chance of rescue, not that he had expected it anymore. And if, by pure miracle alone, he managed to escape from his cell, he would not find suitable help within a hundred kilometres.

The other fact he had depressingly learned was that his continued health had cost three Romulan doctor's their lives, as he had quickly surmised that after each tending to him, they executed the doctor so that he could not give information. Soon, he would be the cause of a fourth if Herat was successful in Tarasyn. Whatever Sela was up to, she obviously didn't have access to the normal resources for this kind of venture. That warmed Chakotay and chilled him at the same time. He was gratified that the Romulan government had nothing to do with this and that it would not undermine the talks that were sure begin again soon, despite what Sela thought Kathryn would do. It chilled him because the lack of government involvement meant that there would be no trail for anyone to follow if they still believed him alive.

"Positive thoughts, Chakotay," he chided himself as he sat and waited, hoping Herat would not find another doctor who would die because of him.

* * *

Kathryn had asked Tom to arrange the gathering in the mess hall. She had also asked that they come as his friends, not as his colleagues, eschewing uniforms, rank and in Kathryn's case, parameters. She has awoken that morning exhausted, but after looking through and packing a few more things, all of which celebrated Kathryn out of her uniform, she had decided that she owed it to say goodbye to him as Kathryn, not hidden behind the masks of the Captain and Admiral as he had been used to and hated.

She had gone through the bag Jean-Luc had packed for her, but he had kept it formal, just her uniforms, and, she discovered, the entire contents of her drawer.

"A bit overkill, "she had muttered, but smiled when she had realised that Jean-Luc had probably dumped the contents in a flurry of tactical, non contact manoeuvres.

She had sat, wondering what to wear now that she had given the order to abandon formality, when her eyes caught a painting Chakotay had painted of her in the garden. He seemed to have paid loving attention to the details of the pastel yellow dress that she had brought with her to New Earth. That was the inspiration she was looking for. Smiling, she programmed the details of the dress into Chakotay's replicator. Pleased with the result, she laid it carefully on the bed and returned to replicator, thirsty.

"Coffee, black, h-…," she began but stopped herself, "belay that. Tea, please."

"Please state blend," the replicator soullessly replied.

Kathryn rolled her eyes, wondering why it was only she who suffered so many problems with the replicator. She was considering calling this one another glorified toaster when the answer came to her.

"Darjeeling, with milk." Chakotay had always drunk it, especially when he lambasted her coffee intake. She took a sip, and found the taste pleasanter than the Earl Grey Jean-Luc drank.

_"You drink too much coffee."_

_Her thoughts drifted. She remembered Chakotay hopping up the steps to the couch in her ready room, grinning broadly._

_"Do want some or not," Kathryn had chuckled_

_Chakotay had relented, nodding._

_"Please," he replied," milk, two sugars."_

_"Two sugars!" Kathryn had half-cried half laughed aghast._

_Disgusted, she dropped the cubes into the black liquid, passing him the cup and the small milk jug._

"_Vile," she shuddered with chuckled as he took it._

"_Mine's vile?" he chuckled," yours looks….and tastes, I might add, like liquid deuterium."_

_Kathryn smiled._

"_Wonderful isn't it," she teased him mischievously._

"_I give up," he sighed, grinning._

"_Well you know what the Borg say, Commander. Resistance is futile."_

_Laughing she had returned to her liquid deuterium and they had quietly passed the morning with coffee and crew evaluations._

Kathryn pulled her thoughts back to the present.

"You win, Chakotay," she smiled, sadly, toasting the empty room with her cup of tea.

* * *

It had been nearly a week since Tuvok had slept. Although Tom knew that Vulcans could go an inordinate amount of time with no rest, he doubted it was very healthy to keep it up for very long. He had keyed the door chime several times to no avail before he used his override, entering the security office with his brow furrowed in concern.

"Tuvok?" he called as he entered.

Somehow he had expected to see Tuvok frantic, on the edge of sanity, the security office a hive of chaos and disorder. Instead it was as neat and tidy as he had seen it when Harry had moved in.

"I did knock," he noted as he approached the desk at which the Vulcan sat.

"My apologies, I was meditating."

Tom nodded.

"As long as you're ok," he added, hoping the leading question would encourage an update from Tuvok.

"I am perfectly, well. Thank you for your concern, sir," Tuvok replied. At the sign of Captain Paris rolling his eyes, Tuvok understood the prevarication of the question he had been asked and added "I was meditating on the information I have obtained from the security recordings. I am certain that there is something that I am missing."

"Like what?" Tom replied, a smile on his face, his interest piqued.

"I am unsure," Tuvok replied.

Tom sighed heavily. Back to square one. He had hoped that they would have a fuller answer for Janeway, but it seemed that sometimes things happened that were beyond their controls. Tom remembered his father calling them quirks of fate. Tom couldn't help feeling that this was one quirk they could have done without. He looked up at Tuvok again; saw his logic contemplating the situation.

"Sometimes you can see the wood for the trees, other times you can't," Tom said sagely," Sometimes neither appears and all you can hear is the wind. There may be no answer to find, Tuvok."

If Tuvok heard him, he didn't acknowledge Tom. Sighing heavily, tiredly, Tom turned to leave. Remembering why he had actually gone to security office, beyond his concern for Tuvok's health, he turned back to face the Vulcan.

"Admiral Janeway has asked for an informal gathering for Chakotay in the mess hall at 1300 hours," he advised the other man.

"I will be there," Tuvok noted.

With his job done here, Tom gave his friend one last look.

"Try and get some sleep before then, Tuvok," he advised before he left the room, trying to decide whether there was time for him to take his own advice.

Tuvok watched Paris leave, his mind still considering the situation at hand. Although he may have seemed distant to Tom, Tuvok had heard every word he had said. He had been pleasantly surprised by the younger man's wise words, even if Tuvok's vow to Janeway meant that he had no intention of following the advice.

_Sometimes all you can hear is the wind._

Tuvok's eyes, closed for meditation, flew open in wide eyed alarm.

_Hear the wind. _

_Hear the wind._

His mind raced as his fingers danced across the terminal, calling up those recordings he needed and depositing them in a new file. He knew he had been missing something, but he had had no idea what, and no amount of meditation had given him that answer. But Paris had.

"Computer, begin audio analysis of the recordings in file Tuvok nine Alpha. Limit scan to time index 31006 to 31009."

"Please state scan parameters for this time index," the computer replied.

"All known scanning parameters," his reply ordered.

"Requested analysis will take four standard hours," the computer informed.

Tuvok ignored the warning.

"Begin scan."

* * *

Much to Chakotay's chagrin, Herat had found another doctor. He tended Chakotay's wounds in silence, uttering nothing to his patient. Chakotay had wanted to say something, anything, to apologise for his part in the doctor's fate, but anything he said risked drawing more attention and he had no inclination to make things worse. Eventually with a curt nod, Talavek stood and faced Sela.

" I have fought wars since before the days you were born, child," he sighed at Sela," I know your Reman servant said I would be returned to Tarasyn, but I have no expectation to."

"I could keep you around," Sela taunted.

"But you won't," Talavek replied.

They were his last words. Sela pulled her disruptor and shot the doctor. She kicked the body harshly, to check he was dead.

"He'd done nothing to you!" Chakotay finally snapped, springing to his feet and standing over the man's body defensively to prevent further defilement. Rage surged in him, and he longed to vent it.

"He was a weak old man," Sela hissed," his time was nearly done anyway."

"You have no right to play god over his life," Chakotay argued back, bellowing loudly with his newly repaired and functioning lung. He knelt down to look at the body of the man who had saved his life.

"I have every right," Sela spat back at him, bringing her disruptor to bear down on Chakotay's temple." I suggest you consider that next time we meet."

And with that she was gone. Angrily, Chakotay kicked his foot against the cell wall, which he regretted immediately, before he lashed out to punch the wall, regretting that even more. Nursing his bleeding knuckles, he dragged the body of the doctor to the dark shadowed corners of his cell. He couldn't offer the man burial commensurate with his beliefs, but he could at least remove him from the sight and defilement of Sela and her Reman guards. His task finished, he sat, slumping against the cell wall. He could again feel the tears welling on his face, a mixture of anger, frustration, pain and longing. He longed mostly to be back aboard Voyager, setting course for home and Kathryn. But failing that option, right now, he longed to be fully dead.

* * *

Kathryn had felt like Kathryn for the first time ever aboard Voyager as she entered the mess hall in the pale pastel yellow dress Chakotay had loved.

She nodded to Harry as she entered, saw Tom break away from Picard and Beverly Crusher, Riker and his wife, Deanna to greet her. She was enormously humbled by the number of people who had squeezed in the not so tiny room. All those could attend who had called Chakotay a friend, Tom had announced for the department heads to relay at the morning briefing. She realised just how many lives he had touched enough among Voyager, Titan and Enterprise crews in the number who had gathered as his friends.

"You ok?" Tom asked as Janeway as he finally weaved his way through to her. He had abided by her wishes, and left rank at the door. But calling her by her given name was something that would take a little time.

Kathryn smiled, looked nervously down at the hands that fidgeted between one another.

"No," she smiled, her eyes watering again," but I have to do this. I owe it to him."

"You owe no one anything," Tom tried to council her.

"I do owe him. A lot. You're not blind Tom, none of the crew were blind to what he tried to do for me," she argued, "and what did I give him? Nothing,"

"You gave him all you could," Tom countered.

Kathryn didn't seem to hear his words.

"I loved him," she said, her breath coming out of her suddenly as if she had just purged a heavy burden. She seemed to shake again at the revelation to herself as well as to Tom, Picard and all those there.

"I know you did. I know you still do," Tom replied," And I know he loved you, more than life itself, Kathryn".

He wrapped his arms around her as she leaned into her former helmsman turned captain for comfort. Everyone noticed her grief being played out in Tom's supportive embrace. No one objected. Picard walked over to place a comforting hand on her back, to which she offered him a small smile. She relinquished her hug on Tom, sliding into the open one Picard gave her.

"Thank you, Jean-Luc," she whispered.

Harry was about to call the commemoration to order. He wanted to get the ceremony over and done with so that the healing could begin. He had received transmissions this morning from Doc and Seven, words they wanted him to say, and he knew Tom had some from B'Elanna. He wasn't looking forward to saying them. He didn't think he could do them justice. But before he could say anything the doors to the mess hall opened and Tuvok, with uncharacteristic speed and emotion bounded into the room.

"I said no uniforms," Tom raised his voice slightly.

Kathryn was making the tour, much as she had in the old days. She greeted Will Riker and Deanna Troi. She hadn't known them personally, but she knew that their tour here on Romulus had made Chakotay close to them. She smiled at Harry, Mike Ayala and Sam Wildman. Everyone still aboard Voyager who had travelled the Delta Quadrant with Chakotay nodded greeting to her. She was to them, she realised, every part his widow in their eyes. Her eyes dampened again at the sight of them all, many for the first time since the very welcome home ball she had parted ways with Chakotay at. But before she could break into a full flood of tears, she heard Tom calling out rather irritably and turned to see her old friend. Tom had told her he was aboard, but she hadn't quite gotten around to seeing him yet. Kathryn shushed Tom's protestations by laying her hand on his arm as she watched Tuvok approach. He was as close to frenzied as a Vulcan possibly could be. Picard stiffened in mild alarm, but Janeway placed a reassuring hand on his chest as she gently passed by him.

"What is it old friend?" she asked, brushing the well of tears from her eyes as she approached him.

Tuvok must have ran the entire way from the bowels of the ship, he gasped ever so gently for breath. Not that he was about to show it.

"I think Captain Chakotay is alive," he announced.

"What?" Janeway asked, not quite sure he had said what he had said.

"I think Captain Chakotay is alive," Tuvok repeated.

Janeway didn't say anything this time, her eyes widening in a combination of joy, disbelief and the shock horror that came with the realisation that she was about the eulogise him. She been told he was dead. How had she given up so quickly without a fight for him?

"How do you know that?" Tom asked urgently, taking over in Janeway's sudden dumbness. He never even considered the possibility that Tuvok was wrong or distraught. If Tuvok avowed something, time had taught all of those who had traversed the Delta Quadrant with him on Voyager that he was usually, nine tenths of the time, right.

" Captain," Tuvok turned to Paris," When you visited me earlier, I told you that there was something that I couldn't place, something that I was sure I missed," Tom nodded and Tuvok continued," I considered the words you imparted, about sometimes hearing only the wind."

"They were just words, Tuvok," Tom argued

"Indeed, but they bridged the gap between my logic and my beliefs," the vulcan continued," I realised that what my subconscious had heard, but I had not, was a sound. In particular this sound," he said as he thumbed his tricorder.

They all listened, but Harry was the first to hear it among the static and garble. A shrill, high pitched whine.

"A transporter beam?" he offered.

Tuvok nodded and the words struck home, finally dissolving the muteness that had besieged her voice.

"You're saying he was beamed away before the explosion," Janeway asked, her voice stronger.

"I believe the explosion was staged to hide his abduction," Tuvok added. He turned to face Janeway directly, to answer her unspoken question," you control and influence the military deployments in this sector, Admiral. No deaths, perceived or real, could alter your commitment, save one."

"Chakotay," Kathryn grinned. "If he's not dead, thank god, then where is he?"

"It's been a week since the bombing. He could be half way to the Delta Quadrant by now," Tom interjected.

" I think he is still here, on Romulus," Tuvok added," All traffic within the Empire has been strictly monitored, as the authorities think the bombers may have had accomplices that will try to flee the Empire. Logically, the safest place to hide Captain Chakotay would be Romulus. "

"Where?" Kathryn asked urgently.

"I believe that is something Mr Toral might know. He collated all the reports that followed after the incident".

Kathryn Janeway felt a strong knot twisting in her stomach. He was alive. The life she had thought left her, seemed to well up in her suddenly as she listened to Tuvok's theory and explanation. As he mentioned Toral, she looked expectantly to Paris.

"I doubt he will talk much after I threatened him last time," Tom sighed, and at Janeway's look, he added. "Long story. Tell you later."

Smiling, Kathryn Janeway stood up straight and headed for the exit and the bridge. Silently, the senior officers in the gathering followed her out.

"Then I think it's about time I made a house call to Mr Toral," Janeway demanded as she entered the turbolift.

* * *

Kathryn chuckled as she observed the motley bunch of rescuers who had assembled to help her., Tuvok, Picard and Crusher had materialised with her in a dark and dank back street of the Romulan capital city. In truth there had been more volunteers, but she had decided on a small team to avoid alerting the Romulan authorities. Janeway turned to face Jean-Luc.

"Are you sure you two want to do this?" she asked him.

"I know the Romulan capital streets. I came here a few years ago to find someone, "he replied in hush tones.

"And we have no idea the condition the Captain will be in," Beverly added with a smile. She had denied Kaz's request to join the team. She had told him they had work aboard the ship. When he had left sickbay, Beverly had broken her own order and added herself to the away team.

Janeway nodded her silent thanks, and Picard took point, guiding them through to the house they had determined Toral occupied. Tuvok scanned the house before they all slipped inside.

They found Toral sleeping. He lived alone, it seemed, because they found neither a wife nor children they would need to sedate. Grateful for that, Janeway motioned Tuvok and Picard to either side of the bed, before she sat on the bed itself and prodded the slumbering Romulan.

He woke slowly, at first not realising who was before him. As he jerked to full wakefulness, Tuvok clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle the screams the man prepared to elicit.

"I will remove my hand when you agree not to call for aid," Tuvok advised him calmly. Toral struggled a little more, before he finally relented, and gave a single nod of assignation.

Silently Toral looked around the room and the four gathered there. He had met the Vulcan before, and the others he knew by reputation alone, but none the less, they were an odd bunch to be attacking him in the middle of the night.

"What are you doing here "he whispered frantically, looking around all of the faces," How did you find me?"

"Not that many Toral's in the phone book," Kathryn quipped, causing Picard to grin wildly. Having spent time with Voyager's default captain, Picard now realised with a wide grin, at the quips generated by seven years in the Delta Quadrant with Tom Paris.

"Why are you here?" Toral hissed again.

"My name is Kathryn Janeway. I -," the Admiral began before Toral cut her off.

"Admiral Janeway?" he asked.

"Yes. Why?" she asked.

" It is not safe for you here," the young man told her," There are many Shinzon supporters nearby who will see you ," he indicated towards Janeway, before turning to Picard," and you as the cause of all of Romulus' problems at the moment."

"And you," Picard asked," do you think that?"

Toral slumped back into his bed.

"Of course not," the Romulan sighed," but there are some who think Marek and Tal'aura think that way though."

"Explains a lot," Beverly whispered.

Toral indicated to be let up from his restraints, and Janeway stood to allow the Romulan up from his bed. Toral padded out of his bedroom and down into his study, where he poured a large glass of Romulan ale.

"We have reason to believe Chakotay is alive," Janeway said as the entourage followed the Romulan into the room.

"How," Toral asked.

"We just do," Kathryn replied." We were wondering if you knew where we could find him."

Toral shook his head.

"I didn't even know he was alive, I'm sorry," he said.

He downed a large volume of the ale in a single gulp.

"When I spoke to you several days ago, you seemed extremely agitated," Tuvok noted, waiting patiently for the Romulan to stop drinking.

"There was a considerable amount of talk being conducted in the adjutants' office," Toral finally answered." Marek and some of the others had received intelligence as to who organised the bombing."

"Who?" Janeway asked.

Toral looked to Picard.

"Sela," he answered.

Beverly didn't gasp, but she breathed in sharply enough to draw attention. Janeway turned to look at Picard. Her look implored him for an answer to justify Crusher's response.

"We've run into her before. She is the daughter of a former crew member of mine," Jean-Luc confirmed, his voice tinged with wariness.

"Why would she take Chakotay?" Kathryn asked.

"Sela likes to manipulate from the sidelines," Picard offered," manipulate being the operative word."

Janeway turned back to Toral

"Where is she?"

"No one knows," the Romulan replied. "She has many supporters. She could be anywhere,"

Janeway slumped. She was so close to finding Chakotay, and yet at each step she seemed further away than ever.

"Do you know the names of any of her supporters," Tuvok enquired.

"I might be able to log into the main frame from here. Marek may have a file," Toral offered.

Tuvok followed the Romulan to his terminal. As he crossed, Toral keyed a terminal that sprang to life with news reports.

"I work better with noise, "he volunteered, "must come from working in that office."

He sat at the terminal with Tuvok and commenced his search.

Picard and Crusher sat tentatively on the room's only couch, Picard gently squeezing her hand.

"You ok?"she asked him.

"I'll be better when we get off Romulus," he admitted," I've had enough of Sela for one life time."

"Do you think she has Chakotay," Beverly asked.

Picard nodded.

"With anyone else I might have doubted it, but Sela?" he sighed heavily," no…she has him."

He smiled gently at Beverly and made a mental note to ask her, when they got back, to marry him. He never wanted to be like Kathryn, lamenting missed opportunities. He had enough of them already. Looking up at the Admiral he squeezed Beverly's hand again and stood to pace the room with Janeway. Beverly moved closer to the news reports Toral had put on. Kathryn smiled as Jean-Luc, watching Beverly move away, approached.

"You didn't tell me you had finally settled down," she smiled, a little mischievously.

"It's only been a couple of months," he corrected her.

"You didn't have problems with someone who served under your command?" Janeway asked.

Picard knew how much of a loaded question it was.

"At first I pushed her away," he admitted," then I reconsidered the whole issue of parameters and decided I was too old to start wondering what people thought."

Janeway smiled but before she could congratulate her friend on doing what she should have done as soon as she'd first realised she was in love with her first officer, Toral turned from his terminal.

"It's a very long list, but the most recent reports have come from the areas around Brenek, Vajhor, Isderene, Tarasyn, Havtok and the Capital," he offered.

"Tarasyn?" Beverly cut in, looking up from them news reports.

"Yes," Toral replied.

"What's so special about Tarasyn?" Kathryn asked.

"The news report just had a story about the murders of four doctors in Tarasyn in the last three weeks," Beverly replied.

Janeway's ears pricked up.

"What date was the first doctor found?"

"13th day of Jaeven. April 10th," Beverly translated for her. Picard looked at Beverly, his eyebrow raised quizzically at her fluent Romulan," What?" she smiled," You think I sit doing my nails on night shifts in sick bay?"

"Thought never crossed my mind," Picard grinned as he returned to the conversation Janeway was having with Toral.

"April 10th was the day of the bombing. If Chakotay was injured when he was beamed out," she was saying to the Romulan," then he would have needed medical attention. If Sela is operating as outside of her authority as Jean-Luc expects, then it's highly unlikely that she would have official access to doctors or medical facilities."

"It's possible," Toral conceded.

"And it would be like Sela to eliminate any connection to this operation," Jean-Luc added in.

"But that doesn't explain the deaths of the three other doctors?" Beverly noted.

Kathryn smiled.

" You don't know Chakotay," she smiled, and grinned wider as Tuvok nodded agreement," I'd bet you seven years back pay he's fought back and been hurt, and needed a doctor."

"I agree with the Admiral," Tuvok added. "It is not like Captain Chakotay to, as Mr Paris would say 'take it lying down'."

Janeway turned to Toral.

"Can you get me a list of the names of the sympathisers in Tarasyn?" she asked.

Toral nodded and returned to his terminal.

"Tuvok, get me the co-ordinates of the town square, or the nearest thing to a town square in Tarasyn," Janeway ordered, and the Vulcan moved over to Toral for the information.

" I hate to be the one to point out," Jean-Luc noted," but the whole point of doing this the hard way, was to avoid the authorities being alerted, and by extension, Sela. If we just beam into the middle of town, she'll know."

"I'm counting on it," Kathryn smiled.

* * *

Sela shrugged away from Herat as he tried to put his arms around her.

"What's wrong?" the Reman asked.

"Nothing," Sela spat.

Herat would have raised an eyebrow had he had one. Instead he settled for crossing his arms across his broad chest and waiting patiently in silence. The last year as Sela's consort had taught him that when she was in such a mood it was wiser, and safer, to just sit and wait. She inevitably ended up telling him anyway.

"We should have heard something now about whether Janeway is going to withdraw the federation ships," Sela muttered.

"The humans are probably still morning their dead," Herat noted. "If this Janeway was bond mate to the prisoner as you say, then she will still be caught in her own grief. It may take her time."

"Time is something that we don't have," Sela argued," I don't know where you dumped Talavek, but it has made the news cast. It won't be long before the provincial guards arrive. I do not want to be here when they do."

"Then don't be," Herat replied," let us kill the human now and be gone."

"He may have information," Sela countered.

"But if he was going to give it to us, he would have done so the first time we interrogated him. With that serum, he would never have been able to lie to us."

Sela seemed to be considering his words. She hated to admit that Herat had a point. Chakotay was an unusually unforthcoming prisoner. She had never had one like him. They usually succumbed quite quickly under Herat and Jenzar's tender ministrations. His unusual tolerance to pain and coercion, as well as his keen tactical mind, had intrigued Sela. She was tempted to keep him as a pet, but the repercussions if he was discovered would be too extreme to ride the wake of this time.

"Very well," she half sighed, half spat, "Kill hi-."

Before she could continue, the top door to the bunker burst open and the portly mild aged Romulan who owned the farm on the edge of town they hid beneath burst in and barrelled down the stairs.

"Starfleet!" he yelled as he bounded off the bottom stair towards Sela," they've beamed into the square and checking the houses of the rest of our faction. It won't be long before they discover this place."

"Damn," Sela muttered to herself as she span to face Herat," you have two minutes."

Herat didn't waste time on words. Beckoning Jenzar, they took off at speed into the network of tunnels that extended out from the farmhouse cellar and beneath the fields that sprawled beyond. They bounced of the chiselled rock as they hurtled round the many bends and junctions, but reached Chakotay's cell in moments.

Herat opened the door and stepped into the gloom. He was on Chakotay in seconds, but it didn't take long for the captain to realise what was going on and fight back. Chakotay pounded his already bloody fists into every available unguarded pieced of Herat's body. Jenzar looked as if he wanted to join in, but thought better of it, and returned to guard the door.

Herat successfully landed a blow to Chakotay's abdomen, and winded, the captain stumbled backwards, gasping for air and groping for a vantage point to support himself on. Herat pulled a long, sharply serrated knife from the sheath on his leg and lunged at the gasping human. Chakotay had survived many a fight in the past by being able to keep an eye on his perimeter even as he dealt with his own pain. The tactic didn't fail him now, and he managed to dodge sideways as Herat's lunged. Herat stumbled past Chakotay as he weaved away, tripping on the captain's leg and crashing into the wall. Chakotay took the opportunity of Herat's imbalance, and cupping one hand over his other fist, he brought both hands down hard on the Reman's neck, sending him with a thump down into the dirt floor. It didn't render the Reman unconscious, and he span on the ground, pulling Chakotay down. They rolled in the dirt, both fighting for room to be able to land a punch or blow. The tussle halted as Chakotay ended on his back, Herat astride him pushing with all his strength down on Chakotay's up stretched arms, the human desperately trying to hold back the Reman weapon in Herat's hands. Days of hunger and thirst had stripped the multitude of Chakotay's strength, and he felt his arms begin to shake violently as they tried to keep his attacker at bay. The edge of numbness in them was threatening, from which Chakotay would so lose all sense of the pressure applied to them. That would be the end of it then, he thought, as his arms would give away and the blade in Herat's hands would sink deeply into his chest. With one final push of all his remaining strength, Chakotay thrust Herat onto his side. Leaning on the knife with all his upper body had thrown Herat off balance, and he slumped hard as Chakotay twisted out from underneath the Reman and kicked his leg over to pin the man down. Overbalancing himself in the same manner as Herat had done was not something Chakotay would have liked to have done, but he was tiring quickly and he doubted that if they switched places again, he would survive another battle of wills and strength. So he leaned forward, putting pressure against the weaker joints in the Reman's hands, forcing his hands to turn in such a manner that the dagger now faced himself. Closing his eyes, momentarily seeing Kathryn as he did so, he pushed down with his last strength. He felt Herat's resistance stop sharply. Chakotay opened his eyes to see the Reman's eyes staring coldly back at him, and when Chakotay looked down further, he saw the knife had pierced the Reman's neck and he lay stabbed in the throat. He had bled out in quick, sure pulses, and now lay lifeless below the human. Exhausted, Chakotay limply kicked off with his leg until he slumped by the side of the dead man, his breath ragged, all his muscles burning. He opened his eyes to see Jenzar above him, his disruptor slowly rising to level with Chakotay's chest. Chakotay felt time slow as he watched the arc of green disruptor fire lance from the weapon. He seemed to be able to see it inch towards him, until his chest erupted in burning fire and pain. He felt himself bounce back against the dirt floor, and had the curious occasion to see drops of his blood spurt from his chest has he landed. Then time and reality seemed to blur and his vision swam as he looked around his cell. Funny, he thought, I was sure I was going to die here. His vision momentarily cleared and he saw Jenzar raise his weapon. But as he flexed his finger around the trigger, he suddenly flinched at a pain in his back, preceded by a high pitch electronic scream. Then, eyes widening in shock, he had slumped lifeless to the ground.

And Chakotay was certain his mirage of Kathryn was hovering over him, stepping over the fallen Jenzar. His vision swam again and he began to feel light headed.

"Kathryn?" he croaked, his hands unconsciously coming up to cover the bloody macerated wound on his chest. His fingers barely staunched the wound, and blood poured between the gaps in his fingers. He coughed, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth, trickles and rivulets sliding down his cheek and chin. It didn't hurt now as much as it had, and with the mirage of Kathryn in front of him, he found he wasn't so scared of dying anymore.

* * *

It hadn't taken long to search the few houses on Toral's list. The first two had been tiny town houses incapable of hiding someone for the time they had hidden Chakotay without someone hearing of seeing anything. The last on the list had been on the very perimeter of town. It had caught their attention as Tuvok had spotted someone exiting a tavern on the list and making for the edge of town. The address he had fled to was on their list.

The farm was darker than the other places they had visited, bereft of community lighting. Its prospects as the place they were looking for grew with each step. Picard noted ventilation ducts, small tiny funnels, with a rain deflecting cone cap on, peaking from the dirt as they traversed the fields to the main house. Kathryn was sure that tunnels ran beneath them, and the possibilities that threw up picked up her pace and she pushed forward.

It was Beverly who spotted two dark forms exiting the rear of the building that still lay a good five or six hundred feet before them. Kathryn, as sure now that Chakotay was here as she had been of anything in her life to date, had told her small team to let them go. They weren't in any position to put up a concerted fight anyway. They had sprinted to the house, found the rather innocuous door that led to a cellar. Descending the staircase had revealed a well equipped facility, communications observation equipment lining the walls. Several corridors had branched away, and splitting up in pairs, they had darted down two of them. The walks here were of very old stone, perhaps the relic of a much older facility that had once occupied the land. They weren't weather proof, and the wash off of yesterday's rain trickled across the stone and further nourishment to the slime that had grown their through years of such weather. Splashing through the odd puddle, they had run the length of the corridors, stopping only to check the rooms they came across. Most were deserted. As they rounded one corner, Kathryn and Beverly noted the obvious sounds of a fight. Kathryn seemed to know already that it was Chakotay. They heard a gurgled cry follow the unmistakeable sound of a disruptor fire as they approached the only open door in the corridor, and Kathryn felt herself go as cold as the rock around here. She stepped into the cell to see Chakotay bounce back against the dirt floor of his cell, blood staining the uniform through the wound ripped in his chest. Before she could think, she had drawn her phaser and shot the Reman standing over Chakotay. Stepping over him to reach Chakotay, she bent down to see the surprised look in his face.

"Kathryn?" he croaked.

But he didn't seem to wait around for her answer as he deliriously began looking round the room, his hands coming up to feel the wound in his chest.

"Chakotay !" Kathryn cried out as she dropped to his side, pushing Chakotay's bloodied hands aside and thrusting her own over the wound. "Beverly!"

Kathryn's shout told Beverly all she needed to know, and she darted from the other cell doors she had opened. Kathryn was pushing down hard on Chakotay's wounds. Flipping her tricorder open and reaching for a coagulant in her medical pouch, she applied the hypospray as the beeping tricorder readings confirmed what she had already surmised. She pulled another hypogun looking device from the satchel, and depressing the trigger, squirted controlled bursts of liquid medical wound sealant on the bleeding tissue. Chakotay's blood pressure stabled ever so slightly as Picard entered the cell.

"He's stable enough to move. I need to get him out of here, Jean-Luc," Beverly noted evenly, her gaze never leaving her ministrations of her patient.

Jean-Luc nodded.

"Picard to Enterprise," he called out, tapping the combadge on the dark civilian jumpsuit that he had worn.

"Worf here."

" Worf, beam Doctor Crusher and her patient to sick bay immediately," his captain answered.

"I'm not leaving him," Kathryn added, frantically rising to stand off against Picard.

Picard would have smiled at her diminutive frame squaring off to him, but he knew she could follow her implied threat through.

"Admiral Janeway as well, Worf," he added without question.

The three officers before home disappeared and Picard turned to see Tuvok behind him.

"The rest of the compound has been deserted," Tuvok informed his senior officer," there are three other occupied cells here."

Picard nodded.

"Let's get them and get the hell out of here," he ordered.

* * *

Chakotay awoke and felt the strange familiar feeling of something soft beneath him. Frowning ever so slightly, he looked around him. But instead of seeing the familiar darkness of his cell and feeling the damp hard floor beneath him, he saw the muted grey lines of bulkheads and what felt suspiciously like a biobed beneath him. Squinting and blinking as his eyes opened fully and pained him sharply at the brightness, he saw a familiar but blurred outline hove into view. Palming the fogginess from his eyes, he opened them again to see the most beautiful sight he had ever imagined.

"You're real?" his dry lips scraped out through his parched tongue.

"Last time I looked," she smiled back at him.

He had been so sure that the image he had seen before the world grew fuzzy around him had been his mirage. Kathryn placed a straw topped beaker to her friends lips, and awkwardly at first, he took a few salving sips of water. He watched as she carefully placed the beaker on the adjacent locker and turned back to him with a small wistful smile. And then she had leaned forward and placed her lips on his.

"You kissed me," Chakotay whispered, his mind racing between fiction and reality as she sat back.

"I know that," Kathryn smiled back. The disbelief she saw in him at her presence was at the same time laughable and deeply heart rendering. How much had he gone through, she thought, to feel this detached from himself. Chakotay reached up and traced his fingers down her face, felt the gentle smoothness of her cheeks. His smile broadened widely has he saw the fire and verve in her blue eyes he had thought painfully lost last time he had seen her in San Francisco. He pulled himself up, dangled his legs over the side. After so long living and sleeping on the ground, he found odd pleasure in dangling his legs over the side of the bed. His momentary diversion done with, he looked up into the amused eyes of Kathryn Janeway.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Some fool told me that you had gone and left me," she replied, her smile wide as she sidled between his wide spread legs, but her eyes momentarily flecked by the grief she had gone through. She placed her hands on his legs, revelling in the live warmth she thought she had lost. She watched the certainty that she had always relied on in Chakotay surge back into his eyes at her touch, his previous confusion gone.

"Never," Chakotay replied as he took her face between his hands," I'll never leave you."

The kiss he gave her this time carried the full weight of his love, his need for her and his relief that she was actually, really here. They were still locked together when Picard and Crusher bounded wandered from Beverly's office and into sickbay.

"I'd say he's doing well," Beverly teased as they approached.

Parting almost guiltily, Janeway unconsciously rubbing her hand over her lips as if she had been caught kissing her boyfriend by her parents, Chakotay turned to face the new comers.

" Do I have you to thank for being alive?," he asked, as Crusher, nodding with a broad smile,ran a tricorder over him. Taking a deep breath, he added " thank you."

" I'll send you the bill later," Crusher smiled in reply as the tricorder finished its scan," Well, you heal pretty quickly Captain. Nearly all you cellular damage has been repaired."

"At a cost," Chakotay noted, his thoughts drifting briefly to Talavek.

His head dropped momentarily and Kathryn reached her hand out to thread it into his. Chakotay squeezed it gently, grateful for the comfort it gave and the love it held.

"Any sign of Sela," Chakotay asked looking from Janeway to Picard

"No," Picard sighed, "we think she was one of the people we saw escaping. She could be anywhere by now but I have had many dealings with Sela in the past twenty years. She'll surface again."

"What was she hoping to achieve with all of us?" Chakotay asked, his mind trying to understand why he had spent a month here in the dark and alone. Kathryn slid her hand into his.

"Who knows," Picard answered resignedly," Sela has her father's suspicious nature, her mother's keen tactical mind and an unusual take on the universe. Perhaps she had plans similar to the ones Shinzon had for me, perhaps something else. I'm afraid it is one thing we will never know.

The gathering sank momentarily into silence as they considered Picard's rather chilling words.

"You might like to know that we found several other prisoners in the cells near you," Picard noted ending the silence.

Chakotay nodded.

"I heard them, but I never met any of them."

"Heard them?" Picard asked, surprised.

" Screaming, crying, calling out for people who weren't there," Chakotay explained," There were a few times when I thought that I was falling into their madness."

"I can imagine," Picard replied. He had had the dubious privilege of being a similar guest as Chakotay, but of the Cardassians. "Some of them have been there for several years."

"Years?" Chakotay shuddered at the concept.

"Captain De Cairno was reported missing in action at the outset of the Dominion War," Picard added.

Chakotay's eyes widened. It had been a goof few years since the Dominion War had finished, let alone started.

"Is he ok…..y'know," Chakotay asked Crusher, having a funny feeling it was De Cairno he had heard the most crying out. It was he who had frightened Chakotay's sanity the most.

"Better than to be expected. He's spending a little time with Deanna on the Titan at the moment, but eventually he will be fine. And so will you."

"I don't think I could have held on that long," Chakotay sighed.

Kathryn chuckled.

"Not the way you were going," she smiled," ever my angry warrior. You'd fight half the universe given half the chance."

Chakotay smiled at her, considering her words and the fact that it was only through her that he had ever known peace. He raised his hand to trace the line of her face. Picard smiled knowingly as he watched Kathryn lean into Chakotay's touch. He put a hand on the small of Beverly's back, and she reached up to hold his hand. They had shared moments like this in the past few months of their infant relationship. Like Kathryn and Chakotay theirs drew on a love forged through years of friendship. Picard knew that Chakotay was feeling disoriented not only by his return, but by the turn his relationship with Kathryn had taken. He had been there.

"Will you join Beverly and I for dinner tonight?" Picard asked, "you must be longing for a good meal."

Chakotay smiled, but didn't take his eyes from Kathryn. Neither did he answer.

"We'll take that as a yes," Beverly grinned as she shooed Chakotay of her biobed," Scoot…go on, out of my sickbay. You're discharged to light duties for 48 hours. Try and rest."

"He's ok?" Kathryn questioned again.

"He's fine. If he keeps himself out of this kind of trouble he will live a long and beautiful life," Crusher replied with her usual soothing voice and wide grin." But you," she said turning to Chakotay as he waited by the door for Kathryn," stay out of Romulan prison cells."

"Yes ma'am," he replied," I plan to."

* * *

"Captain, Admiral," Tuvok greeted the two officers as they entered the transporter room," I was just returning to the Titan."

"Something tells me I have you to thank for this," Chakotay posited as Tuvok approached them. Smiling gratefully at the man with whom his professional relationship with had been tumultuous at best, Chakotay extended a hand to shake Tuvok's. As the vulcan returned the gesture Chakotay added," thank you, my friend."

"I think it can safely be said that Mr Paris will never have be so pleased to be demoted," Tuvok noted as Chakotay stepped back to stand beside Kathryn.

"A joke, Tuvok?" Chakotay teased the Vulcan in time honoured fashion.

"If you choose to interpret it as such," Tuvok replied.

Chakotay smiled at Tuvok. Although he was emotionless on the outside, Chakotay like to believe that Tuvok was laughing on the inside

"I had return to the Titan, and make my report to Captain Riker," Tuvok noted as the conversation lapsed into silence.

"Ask Will to tell Paris not to get too comfy in my chair."

"Aye sir," Tuvok replied.

Tuvok stiffly accepted a hug from Kathryn as she reached out to hold him.

"Thank you for everything, old friend," she whispered into his chest.

Tuvok momentarily brought his arms up to return his friend's embrace, the only person to whom he had shown any, albeit fleeting, emotional connection to. As they parted, he extended his splayed fingers in traditional greeting.

" Live Long and Prosper, Admiral, Captain."

"You too," Chakotay replied, as he stood behind Kathryn, wrapping his arms around her as she watched Tuvok with teared eyes ascend the platform. And as the transporter activated, he could have sworn, that he saw the briefest smile of approval on the Vulcan's face before his disappeared in the beam

Chakotay turned to Kathryn, wiped the tears from her face as the transporter technician tried hard to look busy. He studied her face, the line of her hair, the angle, tint and brightness of her eyes. The faint freckles behind her ear. He couldn't believe how beautiful she was; the gentle sent of roses and the warmth of her in his arms the only connection to the fantastic turn their relationship had taken. His face grew suddenly serious.

" I thought you were a mirage," he sighed eventually," when I saw you appear above me and try to stop the bleeding, I thought I had finally gone mad, that the crazy gene had got me. I've seen you so many times in the last few weeks. You would sit there and talk me out of my depression. Or yell at me for getting into trouble…..."

His voice drifted off as his blurted words ran out. His head sank against her forehead as he hugged her tighter, revelling in the feel of her there.

"I hope you weren't falling in love with my doppelganger," Kathryn teased gently.

"Never," Chakotay smiled, and the heavy moment lifted, he added," All she kept on about was parameters."

" No more parameters, Chakotay," Kathryn replied hastily, making Chakotay regret teasing her as he saw the anxiousness in her eyes as she took his hands from her back and clasped them in her own against her chest, " I know I was obsessed with them in the Delta Quadrant, but I've seen too many examples lately of how wrong I was. Jean-Luc and Beverly, Will and Deanna. They are stronger because they're together. I was wrong; I should never have pushed you away. We would have been stronger together…."

Her voice drifted away.

" We've always been together, Kathryn," Chakotay smiled, and watched a smile burst to life on her lips in one of the most beautiful ways he had ever seen " but like everything else, you just do it a little differently than the rest of the human race."

She playfully slapped him on the arm.

"I still out rank you mister," she teased him, "remember that"

"Oh I will," he grinned as he leaned forward to kiss her, his thoughts wandering to how beautiful and yet how tired and worn she looked. And how even tired and worn, she was ten times more beautiful than her mirage. He was sorry for all the pain and grief he had caused her in his absence, and then during her vigil in sickbay, but also, oddly grateful for the relationship it had given birth to.

As they ascended the transporter platform and Kathryn signalled to the technician, Chakotay thanked the spirits of his ancestors, his father and his grandfather for looking over him, and for bringing Kathryn too him. He was so lost in his thoughts, that he didn't see the transporter room of the Enterprise dissolve in the matter stream, or the very familiar surroundings of his home on Voyager reappear. He didn't see the smile that beamed on Harry's face at the return of his friend. Instead, Chakotay had turned to face Kathryn, taking her hands in his.

"I love you Kathryn. I always have," he blurted, "I want to get married."

He was completely heedless of Harry's jaw dropping or the double take the technician with him did. The routine of the transporter room descended into hushed waiting silence.

"Married?" Kathryn echoed.

"Yes," Chakotay sighed with a grin," you know, the thing with the vows, an exchange of rings. Tom and B'Elanna did it once, remember."

Any other day, she would have rebuked him for his sarcasm, but Kathryn's mind was racing.

"Now?" she asked.

"Yes, now," Chakotay chuckled lovingly, "before anything else can go wrong!"

Harry waited with almost baited breath. His gut knotted to such a degree, it was as if it was he who was proffered the proposal and was considering the answer. But Kathryn didn't need time to consider his proposal.

"Yes,"

"Yes?" Chakotay echoed, almost taken aback by the answer.

"But…,"

"But?" he grinned apprehensively," Why is there always a 'but'?"

"A month "she continued, ignoring him," we get married in a month, when we get back to earth. My life - our life - won't be worth living if my mother finds out I got married without her, not to mention the crew. And then there is Starfleet to deal with"

He considered her words, nodded understanding and agreement. There was the small matter of Kathryn taking off without a 'by your leave to' Starfleet to deal with. And he didn't want to think about what B'Elanna would do to him if she found out he had gotten married with out her.

"I've waited nine years; I guess I can wait a month. Done," he agreed.

The exhale of held breaths in the transporter room was palpable, and Harry went a dark shade of crimson when Chakotay and Janeway, who had been drawn to his very loud sigh of relief, looked at his excited smile. Grinning widely at Harry as she turned back to Chakotay, Kathryn gently placed her hands on the sides of his face and pulled him in for a long and lingering kiss.

"I don't deserve you," she muttered as the broke apart.

"Other way round, "Chakotay corrected, "Actually a month gives me a little time to find it"

"Find what?" she asked arching her eyebrow in child like curiosity.

"You're wheedling again" he chuckled, as he stepped down from the transporter pad, helping her in turn. He exchanged a hand shake with Harry, clasping his hand gratefully on the Kim's shoulder as he turned back to Kathryn. He pulled her to him, feeling suddenly very tall; she tucked into his shoulder as he draped his arm over her shoulder gently

'Am not," she countered wrapping her arm round his waist as they left.

"Are"

"Am not,"

"Are....."

Chuckling to himself as the pair left the room, Harry Kim tapped a comm open to the bridge.

"Kim to Paris. The captain and admiral are aboard, sir."

"Good work Harry," the relieved voice of Paris replied.

" And Tom," Harry added," you are never going to believe this."

* * *

One month later……………….

"Ah….Finally! " Q exclaimed "This was getting to be like a bad soap opera."

"You mean like those ones that never end," Junior added.

"Exactly!"

Junior turned and looked at his father. With the ambient light of the supernova playing off his face, his father actually looked relieved that Aunt Kathy had finally jumped into the arms of Chuckles. He chuckled at his father.

"I think you've been watching too much humanity, Dad," Junior sighed.

They hovered there, waiting for the shock wave of the nova to reach the little, grey dust ball moon they stood on.

"I enjoy seeing the end of all the really good journeys," Q mused, "you should have seen Jean-Luc when he first set foot on the Enterprise. Now there was a man who was a walking talking definition of anal retentive."

Junior suddenly found his fingernails incredibly interesting as he silently muttered 'here we go again'.

"….and look at him now. He's practically horizontal he's so laid back now. Even Riker's managed to cut the apron strings and move out on his own….maybe we'll drop in on him next….he can't possibly want to spend all his time with doom and gloom Romulans…"

Junior sighed.

"Dad?" he yawned.

Q wasn't listening.

" Or maybe we should go and find that annoying whelp Wesley," Q mused, "he could give you a run for your money on the ethereal plain…..no better, Benjamin Sisko, where ever those prophets have him. Celestial Prophets my omnipotent backside! I'd lay money they were related to us!"

"Dad?"

Q still wasn't listening. The shockwave from the supernova entered the system, crashing through one spatial body after another. The wave blew right through the little innocuous moon they stood on. Junior delighting in surfing the eddies, but Q, lost in thought, barely noticed.

"Still," he mused, "It's nice to see one project finally pan out and get a happy ending. Even if she did choose Chuckles."

" Please don't tell me your sappiness is genetic ?" Junior called out as he surfed the last of the shockwaves.

"You should be so lucky!" Q called after him." And where were we when Picard finally managed to see the woman he loved right before him? I missed that. Crusher must be a saint."

Junior abandoned his shock wave surfing, and with a click of his fingers, reappeared next to his father.

"Please, please tell me I'm adopted?" Junior lamented.

"You should be so lucky "" Q repeated mischievously, and with a click of his fingers they both disappeared.

* * *

Chakotay stopped mid-kiss and looked around the bedroom.

"What?" the sultry voice came from below him.

Chakotay didn't hear her, instead he continued to look around the bedroom, scrutinising all the unfamiliar shadows of the cabin he had finally found hiding isolated in the Rockies. It was a mere hop to San Francisco, and it had resembled the one he had built in his head during his captivity perfectly. It had been perfect the moment Kathryn had fallen in love with it too, and had given her apartment up in the city and moved in with him before the day was out.

"Hello," the slightly annoyed clipped voice uttered again from beneath him." Down here remember?"

Vaguely hearing her this time, he looked down at the woman who lay beneath him.

"I know I'm new at this and all," Kathryn said with an amused frown." But I'm pretty sure this is not how the wedding night is supposed to go."

Chakotay looked at her as if he didn't really take her words in, and for a minute Kathryn wondered whether her words had even been in English.

"What?" she asked, this time pinching him in the ribs to get his attention.

"Did you hear something?" he asked.

"Only you whimpering in a minute if you don't keep your mind on the job mister," she teased.

She had expected an "Aye Admiral "and a return to what they had been enjoying, but he continued to look around distracted.

"I'm going to start taking this personally Chakotay," Kathryn growled.

"I could have sworn I heard a voice," Chakotay whispered.

"Why are you whispering," Kathryn chuckled in her own whisper," we're the only people for 10 miles around."

"I'm serious Kathryn," Chakotay retorted," I'd swear I heard a voice saying you should be so lucky and a laugh."

"You imagined it," she laughed at him, wriggling beneath him a little to try to regain his attention. It didn't seem to work.

"You don't think Paris bugged the room do you?" Chakotay asked.

Kathryn couldn't help chuckling. She called out loudly to the empty room.

" IF HE DID, HE HAD BETTER SAY GOODBYE TO HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER NOW BEFORE I POST HIM TO BACK OF BEYOND," she yelled, finally drawing an amused smile from her husband," besides, B'Elanna and I refused to tell him where we were going."

Chakotay sighed heavily, before he turned his attention back to the woman below him.

"I wouldn't put it past Paris," he muttered as he gently lowered himself down, his dimpled smile returning as he kissed Kathryn.

"Neither would I," his wife grinned mischievously," now where were we?"

* * *

End

* * *

For Mab13j – Persistence is not futile. Thank you for your support and gentle nudging. I hope it lives up to the wait.

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